Denver Fences Are Plush and Comfortable

My name is Joe Sakic.  I’m about to take a deep breath.

Some people think that being the captain of an NHL franchise is more of an honor than a duty.  How much influence can one man have over 19 others in terms of how hard they play?  It’s not like I can withhold paychecks or anything.  For the last 16 years, I’ve donned the C on my sweater for the good people of Quebec and Denver, and I’ve served my post with distinction.  Captains are a misunderstood bunch.  Take Captain Ron, for example.  I know it may seem like he’s a slacker and a screw-up, but it took every ounce of his captaincy to not punch Martin Short in his annoying fucking face.  We captains are lucky to have guys like Ron to aspire towards.

My point is, captaining is harder than you think.

This is why I’m putting off deciding on my retirement until we’re well into the free agency period.  You would think a captain of 15 years would have earned a little time.  Stop pressuring me to decide whether or not I continue to play a game for an actual living.  I’m blogging from Croatia, for godsakes.  Svatos is getting married and I’m here, on my vacation, writing to you people about whether or not I may play hockey?  This is crap. 


I get to wear a nice suit, play a round of golf between the ceremony and reception, eat the finest in Croatian cuisine – err, goat something -, dance with the hot wives of all my teammates, and then convince my wife that this totally counts as our exotic vacation for the year.  It’s sweet.  And for Marek, we’ve bought him some crystal bowl from Tiffany’s that he will have no practical use for at any point in his marriage.

I figure this is a fine gift, since I will likely decide to not retire three weeks into July, thereby preventing his employer from getting him a passing center that can get him the puck, a goalie who won’t get pulled in the playoffs, or a defenseman with a less-ridiculous name than Jeff Finger.  Man, those would have been some nice wedding gifts.

Real nice.



  1. I hear croatian women are beautiful.

    In the episode “Family” Captain Picard goes to spend time with his brother Robert before deciding whether to return as Captain of the Enterprise following his encounter with the Borg. Channeling Gene Rodenberry, Robert basically tells Jean-Luc he’s a f$%#ing tool for even considering leaving the greatest gig in the galaxy.

    Get a clue Sakic.

  2. @Frank Costello: +1 Dilithium Crystal

  3. Do you actually know anything about Croatia?

  4. Die in a fire, pencilneck.

  5. Do I? Sure.

    Do I think Joe Sakic does? No.

  6. Needs more Nazi soccer fans.

  7. @ Raskolnikov: Is that soccer fans who are Nazis, or fans of Nazi soccer teams? Because that 1938 Euro champion team was a sight to behold, or so my grandpa always said.

  8. There;

    Everything you boyos needed to know about Croatia.


    Those women are all Elsa Schneiders.

  10. More aweseome captains:

    Captain Morgan
    Cap’n Crunch
    Captain America

  11. Captain Planet?

  12. Captain and Tennille?

  13. Captain Jack?
    Captain Hook?
    Captain Caveman (the cartoon or the blogger)?

  14. Thank you wraparoundcurl. Now that’s what I like to see.

  15. @ Rocco; no probs. Choose your nationality!

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