Todd Bertuzzi’s Exciting Business Opportunity – Hurry!

TSN.com reported yesterday that veteran Todd Bertuzzi has cleared waivers, giving the Ducks the ability to buy out the last year of his contract. The Ducks are on the hook to pay two-thirds of the remaining $4 million they owe Bertuzzi, which can be spread over two years to lessen the cap hit. Bertuzzi will now become an unrestricted free agent when free agency officially begins July 1st.

One would think that this should be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, but as we all have grown accustomed to, some team or another will take a flyer on Bertuzzi. Shit, the Wild traded for psychopath Chris Simon at the trade deadline last year.

As MYFO further entrenches itself into NHL culture as every day passes, with more and more frequency we are becoming inundated with e-mails from people throughout professional hockey – people hoping to utilize MYFO as a conduit through which they hope to achieve whatever their respective individual aims may be.

Case in point: late last evening, we received an e-mail from none other than Pat Morris, Bertuzzi’s agent, asking us to assist him in drumming up some interest in his client. Of course, being the people pleasers that we are, were more than happy to oblige.

What follows is the e-mail transmission from Morris.

From: Pat Morris [mailto:patmorris@professionalparasite.com]

Sent: June 29, 2008 11:30 p.m.

To: Melt Your Face Off [meltyourfacoff@gmail.com]

Re:   Exciting Opportunity – Todd Bertuzzi

Dear MYFO,

Please post the following message on your web site. I will make all efforts to repay you in some way, shape or form.

Regards,

Pat Morris

Dear very successful and intelligent NHL General Manager,

FIRSTLY I MUST FIRST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION; THIS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEEN INTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET THOUGH KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WILL MAKE SOMEONE APPREHENSIVE AND ELATED BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU DUE TO THE URGENCY OF THIS TRANSACTION AS WE HAVE BEEN RELIABLY INFORMED OF YOU DISCRETNESS AND ABILITY TO HANDLE TRANSACTION OF THIS NATURE.

LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF PROPERLY, I AM MR. PAT MORRIS, PROFESSIONAL AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE FOR PLAYERS IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE, I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY PRIVATE SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE THIS MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES YOU SIGNING MY CLIENT TO A MULTI-YEAR DEAL, REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

THE PREPOSITION:

A CANADIAN, TODD BERTUZZI, A HOCKEY PLAYER IN NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE, UNTIL HIS WAIVER OVER WEEKEND FROM THE DUCKS OF ANAHEIM CALIFORNIA, WORKED WITH US AT PAT MORRIS AGENCY OF SPORT ATHLETES  HAD A CLOSING BALANCE AS AT THE END OF JUNE 2008 WORTH TWO-THRID $4,000,000USD , TODD NOW EXPECTS A GENERAL MANAGER TO SHOW INTEREST. VALUABLE EFFORT HAVE BEEN MADE BY THIS AGENT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ANY OF THE HOCKEY LEAGUE TEAM HAVE BEEN UNSUCESSFUL. IT IS BECAUSE OF THE PERCEIVED POSIBILITY OF NOT BEEN ABLE TO LOCATE ANY OF TODD BERTUZZI FORMER TEAMS (HE HAD NO COMMUNICATION WITH ANYONE IN NHL THAT IS KNOWN TO US).

THE MANAGEMENT AGENCY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF OUR CHAIRMAN AND MEMBERS OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN MADE FOR TODD BERTUZZI TO BE DECLARED “UNCLAIMED” AND SUBSEQUENTLY BE DECLARED UNRESTRICTED FREE AGENT THIS WILL FURTHER ENHANCE THE CAUSE OF GOONERY IN THE NHL AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL.

IN OTHER TO AVERT THIS NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT OF NO HOCKEY FOR MR. BERTUZZI SOME OF MY TRUSTED COLLEAGUES AND I NOW SEEK YOUR PERMISSION TO HAVE YOU STAND AS NEW EMPLOYER TO MR. TODD BERTUZZI SO THAT HE WILL PLAY ON TEAM OF YOUR EMPLOYMENT AND PAID FROM YOUR ACCOUNT TO THE BENEFIT OF MR. BERTUZZI, ALL DOCUMENT AND PROOFS TO ENABLE YOU GET THIS PLAYER WILL BE CAREFULLY WORKED OUT. WE HAVE BEEN MANDATED BY THE AGENCY TO OFFICIALY DECLARE THE TEAM WHO BENEFIT WITHIN THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE TIME, THAT IS WHY WE HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU AND MORE SO WE ARE ASSURING YOU THAT YOU THAT THE SIGNING IS 100% RISK FREE INVOLVEMENT.

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE IN ACCEPTANCE OF OUR MUTUAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL WE WOULD FURNISH YOU WITH THE NECESSARY MODALITIES AND TERM OF CONTRACT TO SUIT BOTH PARTIES WITHOUT ANY CONFUSION.

IF THIS PROPOSAL IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU DO NOT TAKE DUE ADVANTAGE OF THE OPPORTUNITY BESTOWED ON YOU ,KINDLY RESPOND IMMEDIATELY WITH THE E-MAIL ADDRESS FURNISHING ME WITH YOUR MOST CONFIDENTIAL TELEPHONE, FAX NUMBER AND YOUR EXCLUSIVE BANK ACCOUNT PARTICULARS SO THAT WE CAN USE THIS INFORMATION TO APPLY FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER OF FUNDS IN OUR CLIENT, MR. BERTUZZI FAVOUR.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCED FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION

BEST REGARDS

MR. PAT MORRIS

Boy, that looks like a helluva deal to me! What could possibly go wrong?

I think Morris should have played up Bertuzzi’s good-time demeanor and attitude a little more. I think this photo illustrates that fact and speaks volumes regarding the benefits Bertuzzi brings to the table:

Now ain’t that the cutest thing you ever did see?

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