Gary Bettman: Great Commissioner? Or GREATEST COMMISSIONER EVER?

The NHL owners are conducting one of their periodic performance reviews of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. Some observers speculate that, despite earning exceptional marks during his entire 15-year run, Bettman could be in for a rough ride this time around. Or not.

Craig Leipold: All right, everyone, take your seats please. It’s time to get this special meeting of the National Hockey League Robber Barons Owners Association started. Today’s sole agenda item: a resolution thanking Commissioner Gary Bettman for his years of dedicated service to the league.

Charles Wang: Does this mean we’re firing him?

Leipold: What? No. Why?

Wang: It’s just that sometimes you thank people for their service at the same time security is hauling them out the door. That’s what I did with Ted Nolan. It adds that personal touch, you know?

Leipold: Well, let the debate begin! The chair recognizes…himself! Continue reading

NHL Mascots: Exposed! (Volume IV)

Mascot Bukkake!

Mascot Bukkake!

Welcome to the fourth installment of MYFO’s NHL Mascots: Exposed! series. Today’s edition features only two mascots but what occurred between these once close friends but now bitter rivals deserved its own post as it fractured the tightly-knit NHL Mascot community so terribly, the extent of the damage may never fully be realized. Perhaps we can all learn something from this tragic tale.

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The Adventures of Olie the Goalie

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Chad Kroeger Ain’t Got Shit On Me

Dear Coach Lemaire and Mr. Risebrough,

I can’t believe what just happened. I thought we would be together forever. It was my dream to be back home. I guess some things just aren’t meant to work out but I just feel so damned stupid for believing all of your lies.

As you know, I am a huge fan of Arena Rock – you know, the good stuff. Especially Nickelback. I can put them on and just lose myself in their rockin’ jams.

There are so many things I want to say to you both but I can’t find the words to articulate how I am feeling right now. Instead, if you would indulge me, I have chosen to express the pain I am now feeling in song.

Hey, Harding, fire up that karaoke machine, will ya? Yeah, I know, you got next.

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Escape from Hockeytown, Part VI

Back by “popular” demand (and by “popular”, I mean a few of my fellow editors enjoy it – everyone else? Can’t say), we now continue with MYFO’s Classic Movie Adaptation of Escape from New York. As we move further into the story, Snake McCarty continues his quest to locate Gary Bettman after the Commissioner’s plane went down in Detroit. Also, in this installment, Snake meets someone from his past who may have an idea where the Commissioner may be located. Enjoy.

Part I of Escape from Hockeytown can be found here , Part II here, Part III here , Part IV is here and Part V? Well, click right here, dear reader.

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A MYFO Special Announcement: Gary Bettman Is…Retiring?

Gary Bettman, since he truly has little else to do, has been watching the Brett Favre retirement/unretirement debacle from afar with great interest. In his infinite idiocy, he has hatched a little idea in an attempt to generate some interest and much-needed sympathy relating to his tenure as Commissioner. And, as always, poor Gary is a day late and a dollar short on this one as well. 

In a moronic attempt at relevancy, Gary has misguidedly decided to retire as Commissioner of the National Hockey League. Not only that, but he has elected to pattern his retirement after Favre’s. We take you live to his press conference from NHL Headquarters.

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Back to Basics: Fuck you, Pittsburgh

Sorry I’ve been silent the past few weeks. An office move, a couple tragedies, lost furniture and files, and unfortunately, little time is left for overusage of curse words, beating comedy bits into the ground, and lots and lots of dick jokes.

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