Pay Us to Wear Purple

After a week of chaos, the dust has settled on the initial rush of the 2008 Free Agency period.  Nearly 100 players inked their names to new contracts in the past seven days, in an era where the owners may not have yet figured out the magic behind financially sound long-term planning.  But hey, who am I to say that 19 million to Mike Commodore may not be the best investment? 

Even more impressive, the guy behind nhlnumbers.com has gotten all of his masterful spreadsheets updated with the new numbers and each team’s cap stance.  And after a masterful analysis by the MYFO Audit Department, we’ve come to the following conclusion.

The Los Angeles Kings need to hire us.

And I’m not talking about blogging.  I’m talking about playing hockey.

According to the sheet, the Kings have 13 players signed for next year, having used 27.76 mil to lock up that baker’s dozen.  It’s admirable that in this age of the salary cap, they’re effectively managing their money.  However, it appears they’re doing the job a little too well. 

The Kings are 28.9 million under the cap.

So short on players on long on cash, I’d advise Dean Lombardi to look for some outward solutions.  The current free agent list is starting to dry up in quality, and since he’s actually yet to sign a single free agent, he must not think that highly of this year’s crop to begin with.  So listen up, Dean.  I’d like to propose a 5-for-1 signing.

The Los Angeles Kings will sign Weed Against Speed, Reasonable Doubt, LeNoceur, Raskolnikov, and Hextall454 to a joint one-year deal.  Terms are disclosed at 5 million dollars for the five players.

Why pay Rob Blake that amount when you can get ALL FIVE of us?

In addition, the contract will be incentive-laden, with performance bonuses for tasks including “not falling down for an entire game, getting Kings fans to purchase jerseys with any of the five names on them, and not dropping the Stanley Cup when we inevitably hoist it next June.

Hey, healthy scratches get to participate in the ceremonies.  Isn’t that right, Chelios?

In the comments, feel free to let us know what positions and line combinations make the most sense for a rebuilding Kings team with a newfound penchant for penalty killing taking and dick jokes.

(Note: Just because there’s a goalie in my name does not mean I want to be slap shot fodder.)

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9 Comments

  1. Note to self: purchase a Whizzinator.

  2. Locker room presence counts too. I see great things in your future with the kings organization!

  3. @ Wind: Ahhhh! The original Whizzinator! Outstanding!

  4. Just FYI, I do wear a full “fishbowl.” Not due to any facial injuries; it’s just that I’ve got a lot of money invested in dental work.

  5. I’ll take the goalie spot. I have bad knees, so I can’t skate up and down the ice all game. But I do have cat-like speed and reflexes.

    /Tommy Boy

  6. Now, this will not affect my amateur status and I will still be able to compete in the Cootie Amateur League, right? Because I’m not quite ready to compete with the pros yet.

  7. Weed, I am sure Tom Sizmore can recommend one for you.

    Ahw, but you five would make great Ice Girls.

  8. Throw me in for $500,000. I’d like to play D and be humiliated by NHL forwards all night.

  9. All you really need to know as a LA King is to: PASS THE PUCK TO KOPITAR!

    You’ll be fine as long as you follow that simple rule. :)


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