Mike Keenan’s Enforcer

Gather ‘round, sorry excuse for embers!

You turd-suckin’, responsibility-buckin’, tube sock-fuckin’ chumps blew it last year! Biggest group of whiners, slackers, and duchbags couldn’t cut it against the San Jose Sphincters? Joe Thornton would’ve rather been butterin’ 10 pounds of toast for breakfast than skatin’! Denis Savard’s retarded son rotated so many times in his own zone I thought he’d change his name to Pete Burns! And Nabokov was writin’ about zombie porn half the time in the net !

I blame myself for not pushin’ you hard enough in practice. Only 30 gassers to end 5 hours of sprinting?  Ol’ Iron Mike’s gettin’ soft in his old age. I’m turnin’ into Darryl Sutter. That’s why I’m bringin’ in an old friend to toughen up you chumps.

The only way this situation could have been better is if I could’ve traded that fat turd in net.

Anyway, Todd’s gonna get on all of our asses when we’re not hustling. He’s been studyin’ chiropractolology or some voodoo shit. You miss a pass, Todd adjusts your first lumbar vertebra. You shank a one-timer, Todd shatters your sacrum. And if you’re late on a sprint, Todd’ll employ the surgery that’s made him famous.

Of course, seeing as Todd’s been stuck in quicksand for the past 4 years, he won’t be able to move to punish correct you. I trust that we’ve got a group of players who want to improve, and what better way to demonstrate this improvement than spending a month on IR?

Oh-ho, you guys are fucked! Iron Mike’s ready for practice!

Assist to Sportsnet.ca for the Bertuzzi pic

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