Jeremy Jacobs Remakes the Bruins Part I

Jeremy Jacobs: Quincy, where’s my coffee? I can’t make snap decisions without a fresh cup of joe!

Quincy: On its way, sir.

Phone rings

Jacobs: Hello? Mr. Henry? By Jove it’s nice to talk to you! Oh yes, I see your dazzling Red Sox are putting up the good fight with Tampa Bay! My good man, I don’t know how those plucky upstarts are competing with your group of old hands! I’m sure you can find another well-furrowed chap to compete with those whippersnappers!

What are we doing, sir? Well, we’ve signed Michael Ryder to a multi-year deal. He lit the red lamp 30 times 2 years ago! And, um, you remember the great prospect Blake Wheeler? He’ll provide that offense for which we’ve desperately searched for years to come! And … and … I … er, well my famous client the Earl of Rochester has just entered to discuss biscuits and tea! Good day, chap!

Slams phone

Quincy, where is my thinking juice?

Quincy: Coming, sir.

Jacobs: Mr. Henry was boasting about his beloved Red Sox again, Quincy. How will we ever compete with that juggernaut?

Quincy: I’m not sure, sir. I’m just an intern. Making money is your deal.

Jacobs: We must appeal to the younger crowd. The cool kids, the hipsters! Quincy, you’re a cool, hip kid! Name something you do!

Quincy: Get stoned.

Jacobs: Stoned? Like St. Stephen? I will not play Saul in the stoning of Bruins fans. I don’t want to change my name to Paul! It’s Jeremy, consarnit!

Quincy: Well, I listen to music …

Jacobs: Of course! That’s it, Quincy! I’ll create a new Bruins team song! Catchy and edgy, valorous and accessible, and cheaper than a day at Woolworth’s! We’ll need a Boston band, though. Any suggestions?

Quincy: Uh, Boston?

Jacobs: No, no, no! Those sub-par crooners boil my blood and cost more than Zdeno Chara’s sweater!

Quincy: Aerosmith?

Jacobs: Quincy, you buffoon! They’re all over sports highlights! No one in their right mind would listen to Toys in the Attic anyway! I need some hipster music!

Quincy: Hipster music …

Jacobs: I need you to find me the Artie Shaw of Amherst! The Bing Crosby of Boston! The Harry Gibson of Hanover!

Quincy: Who?

Jacobs: Report back to me in a week with your findings! I want to bring the big band back to Beantown!

Quincy: Uh, ok sir.

Quincy leaves the room, sits at his desk, and picks up the phone

Hi, Matador Records, please …

Part II coming soon


1 Comment

  1. says all you need to know about the Jacobs regime

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