Isles Suffer from Internal Breeding

Breaking news out of Long Island: Ted Nolan has been relieved of his duties of the Head Coach of the New York Islanders.  While Nolan has remained quiet in this brief aftermath, General Manager Garth Snow has let the media know that it was “philosophical differences” that forced the team to part ways with their coach of two years.  When asked to elaborate, Snow informed MYFO:

Simply put, I contend that the metaphysical plane on which team leadership, penalty kill shift lengths, and the seemingly endless inertia of a hockey puck sliding towards the corner boards of like must exist harmoniously at a glorious crux in time and space, while Mr. Nolan contends that he would like to punch me in the mouth.  Which he then did.
With a roster full of new free agents and young prospects, Snow now faces the arduous task of finding a replacement who doesn’t insist on mouthpunching him.  Wait, – what’s that?  Hold on – we’re getting something over the wires.  They have?  It’s who?  Well, I’ll be damned.

It appears that the next Head Coach of the New York Islanders is Kyle Okposo.

“As you may know, I was an active player in the National Hockey League prior to my ascension to the post of Isles’ GM, and I feel that since I am awesome at my job, this was the only avenue to seek Nolan’s replacement,” Snow explained.  “We’ve had several discussions about the game of hockey, and Kyle will be an excellent bench general.”

Now while the 20-year old Okposo may only have 9 games of NHL experience, he’s very excited for the promotion.

“Does this mean I get my own key to the coaching staff liquor cabinet?”

Snow will no doubt assist his young protege in filling out his coaching staff, but the rumor is that Rick DiPietro has been tapped as goaltending coach, Mike Sillinger will accept an assistant coaching position (or be traded to Buffalo for the hell of it), Comrie’s girlfriend Hilary Duff will be the conditioning coach, and Freddy Meyer will become Okposo’s strategy expert, because he was “totally rad to me when I first joined the team out of college.”

Assistant Coach Dan Lacroix will remain with the team, as he has threatened to take legal action/punch the GM in the mouth should he be dismissed.

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