Picture this scenario.
Last summer, you went to the beach. Since beaches tend to be fantastic places to misplace your valuables in the sand, you left your wallet in the car and chose to pocket ten bucks in your board shorts. Why, might you ask? Because beaches also tend to be fantastic places for the sun to kick your ass. And it’s only a matter of time before the ice cream truck comes to your rescue. You sprint over the scorched sand, cash in hand, ready to feast on Water Ice colder than the Blues’ power play.
Only to find they’re fresh out of Water Ice. Fuck.
Flash forward to this summer. It’s time to go to the beach. And you’ve just found last year’s ten bucks still in your shorts. FREE MONEY. How will you spend it?
This is the dilemma Scott Niedermayer currently faces.
The New York Post is reporting that after nearly a year of preventing accrued interest, the NHL has decided to lift the sanction that Scott Niedermayer shalt not be paid by the Anaheim Ducks for skipping out on training camp. All year, Niedermayer and the Ducks have been in agreement that because he was granted permission follwing Anaheim’s 07 Cup, he was not in violation of any league-wide rule.
Apparently, the NHL’s Attendance Nazi countered with sticking his fingers in his ears and repeatedly singing the phrase, “LA-LA-LA.” Classy.
The paperwork has been cleared up, and the money that the Ducks were ordered to withhold from Grizzly Adams’ paycheck – only $490,909.08 – must be paid to the mountain man within 10 days. Suddenly, someone’s got some FREE MONEY to spend. But before we can get to what Scott could buy with his newfound windfall, let’s take care of business first.
Cancel his wife Lisa’s subscription to the New York Post.
Cancel the Internal Revenue Service’s subsciption to the New York Post.
(So as to not allow marriage or taxes to ruin the shopping spree. Wait, one more thing.)
Arrange hush money to prevent MYFO from tipping off Lisa Niedermayer or the IRS.
You’re welcome, Scott. We’ve made sure that you can now sneak off to Best Buy and purchase whatever you damn well please without your wife or government getting in the way. What shall we buy today?
- 55 Ducks’ season tickets on the glass.
- 4,900 of these ridiculous things
- a townhouse in the DC Metropolitan area
- or 80 acres in central Oregon
- A full-year’s indentured salaried service of Alexandre Burrows.
Your suggestions in the comments.