I’Z LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE

BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Ovie: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ … no, noez more pie, mama … I’z gonna doodie allz over the seat …

Five minutes later

And that’z why, Mr. IneStine, energiez equalz number of Goosebumpz bookz times speed of Sandman squared …

Ovie wakes up

AHHHHHHH. Oh, shootz. Mathematikal therum forgot again. Maybe next timez I explainz univerz …

Looks at clock

GAHHHH!!!! OVERSLEPT!!!?? IZ ONLY FIVE MINUTEZ TIL’ MIDDLE SCHOOL SIGNINGS! KIDDIEZ NO GET MY HERBIE HANCOCK! GOTZ TO GOEZ!

Foodz! Needz foodz!

Grabs toaster, flips it over, and drops bagel crumbs on face

Done! Needz keyz! Shouldz I takez Beemer? NO! 266 kilometerz per hour not fast enough! Time for the OVIEMOBILE!

HELMET? CZECH! KEYZ? CZECH! NITE RUSS? DUBBLE CZECH!!!

Don’t wurry kiddiez! I’z on my way!

OVIE TIME!

SCUZE ME! COMING THRU! PARDONNE MAH FUMEZ!

Oh noez, the Colin Campbellz.

Policeman: Sir …

Ovie: Mister, I knowz howz fast I’z going … NOT FASTER THAN YOU GET RUN OUT OF DC IF YOU NOEZ LET ME GO!

Policeman: Uh, sir …

Ovie: I’Z HAVE TO SEE THE KIDZ! THEY NEEDZ ME LIKE JOSE THEODORE NEEDZ GOAL SUPPORT!

Policeman: That’s not …

Ovie: Oh ho! You wantz to play negotiatior? OK Chris Sabo! Don’t explodez your corkt bat on me! Five ticketz to opening night!

Policeman: Well …

Ovie: Seven ticketz!

Policeman: Um …

Ovie: Ten ticketz and tour of MCI Center by me on two-person bike!

Policeman: Sure!

Ovie: Greatz! Now letz me go!

Policeman: OK, but you weren’t in trouble. You dropped your wallet back there. Here you go.

Ovie takes the wallet and speeds off.

Ovie: No wonderz they callz me Roger Smith!

Ovie arrives at the middle school

WHERE’Z BIKE RACK? DIDZ EZPN TAKES IT? No time! Must save kiddiez!

Ma’am, I’z here for signing! Sorry I’z late. Ovie knowz he irresponsible. Me no want to treat school like defensive zone.

Secretary: Uh, Mr. Ovechkin, your appearance isn’t until tomorrow.

Ovie: WHAT? BUT TODAY IS 24TH!

Secretary: No sir, today is the 23rd. Perhaps your calendars are wrong.

Greeny: Yes, perhaps someone perpetrated a devious plan against you.

Ovie: GREENY!!!

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7 Comments

  1. This totally made my morning.

    There needs to be an Ovie action figure of him on the Segway.

  2. YES! For more fun, read it aloud like I do. But it would take much more than bagel crumbs to fill up Ovie.

    But forgetting mathematical stuff isn’t the worst–I had a dream where I went in for an SAT/GMAT/some such test and I realized I couldn’t read.

  3. Reading this is not helping my hangover.

  4. That was so funny! LOL

  5. Awesomeness. Made my evening.

    “I’Z HAVE TO SEE THE KIDZ! THEY NEEDZ ME LIKE JOSE THEODORE NEEDZ GOAL SUPPORT!” <- quite possibly the greatest quote ever

  6. “WHERE’Z BIKE RACK? DIDZ EZPN TAKES IT? No time! Must save kiddiez!

    Ma’am, I’z here for signing! Sorry I’z late. Ovie knowz he irresponsible. Me no want to treat school like defensive zone.” —> also golden

  7. “I’Z HAVE TO SEE THE KIDZ! THEY NEEDZ ME LIKE JOSE THEODORE NEEDZ GOAL SUPPORT!”

    As an Aves fan, it hurts because it’s true…


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