Back to Basics: Fuck you, Pittsburgh

Sorry I’ve been silent the past few weeks. An office move, a couple tragedies, lost furniture and files, and unfortunately, little time is left for overusage of curse words, beating comedy bits into the ground, and lots and lots of dick jokes.

I’m back, now, and reverting to my favorite pastime: Hating Penguins.

A little over a year ago, I posted an article talking about Hockey Jesus’ contract extension. Granted my writing wasn’t the best (the blog had been open less than a week), but the premise remains the same. Crosby, and his sweater, took a paycut in order for the Penguins to sign some talent to hover around him so he can win a cup.

Of course, the Pensblog jackbags invaded and got into a tizzy, demanding my head because I neglected to re-iterate that “signing some talent” included re-signing the talent already on the team. So, a year later, let’s see what happened:

  • The Pens traded for Dupuis and Hossa, both of whom contributed to the Cup run, which ultimately failed.
  • The Pens lock up Malkin for the next five years.
  • Hossa bolts the team so fast he leaves skidmarks, because they couldn’t meet his price demand.
  • Fleury re-signs for seven years
  • a full third of the team bolts, most of them signing with the Bolts (See what I did there?)

Given all that, the Pens have eleven forwards signed, which is below the bare minimum, given four lines of three players each. They also have six D-Men making at least 2 million a year. Add in that Fleury’s only back-up had a whopping .904 Save % last year over 24 games.

Now let’s review: Staal remains unsigned, the team is below the bare minimums in key positions, overpaying D-Men left and right, and have no coverage if their goalie goes down (again).

Oh yeah, by the way? You’re less than three million under the cap. Good luck, fuck-os. The Lightning called to say thanks for half your team.

[Credit for rosters and salary cap hits to]



  1. Mark Eaton makes $2M a year?

    *head spins*

  2. I’m really looking forward to the demise of the Penguins. They should make a documentary about it. Get Morgan Freeman on that shit, you know?

    Recently I’ve hopped, with extreme enthusiasm, on to the Hating Penguins bandwagon. I’m enjoying myself profusely.

  3. Let’s hear it for the Tampa Bay Penguins!

  4. I love the picture for this story

  5. Don’t forget Detroit, or Penguins West as I like to call ’em…

  6. Can’t wait to see how the Pensblog babies respond to this one. They’re a sad little bunch.

  7. Oh no you’ve angered the Pensbloggers. Hide the women and children.

    Hockey Jesus can count as two players, can’t he? So there’s your 12 forwards.

  8. Don’t worry, RD. They’ll just go back to their old system — bomb every season for the next five years to get even MORE high draft picks! It worked before, right? Oh wait… it STILL failed to bring a cup to the Steel City AND now they’re having difficulty retaining any other player.

    Good plan, Pittsburgh!

  9. poke, poke, pokey poke the penguin!

  10. The Penguins make me want to punch real penguins, and penguin draft pics which I liked until they were drafted to the penguins (and maybe still secretly like because they are not real penguins yet). I bet when Alex Grant got drafted by the penguins he went back to his hotel room and punched himself in the face.

    If you find a child wearing a penguins jerseys may I recommend you punt it into the closest lake or harbour to put it out of its misery….also it preemptively saves us from having to deal with the penguins fans of the future.

    If you will excuse me now, I live in Halifax and there are a lot of spankin’ new Crosby/Penguins fans I have to hunt down and toss off of the McKay bridge.

  11. Q-girl for the win…

  12. “Given all that, the Pens have eleven forwards signed, which is below the bare minimum, given four lines of three players each.”

    dont want to rain on your parade sir countsalot but they have 14 forwards signed

    1. crosby
    2. malkin
    3. staal
    4. kennedy
    5. talbot
    6. dupuis
    7. satan
    8. fedotenko
    9. cooke
    10. godard
    11. beech
    12. taffe
    13. pessonen
    14. sykora

    as for overpaying defensemen, i think whitney is overpaid. however considering the deals guys like boyle and campbell got this year, orpik’s deal is possibly the biggest steal of the year. he was the best hitting defensemen on the market by far, and should easily be making 4.5 a year.

    sabourin sucks an INCREDIBLE amount of cock, ill give you that. however their two wbs goalies who are fleurys age and younger were both hobey baker finalists in 2007, curry carried that team when conklin came up last year and had a hell of a rookie season. chances are he will be the backup as soon as sabourin shits the bed. aka, the morning after sabourins first start.

    staal will get locked up soon, thats naturally going to be a more difficult deal when he had a drop in goal production (albeit an increase in defensive play).

    theres no way sydor is still on this roster come opening day, and the cap is going to go up again next year and with their three best players locked up long term for deals less than the market value, that is going to free up more cap room down the line.

  13. tl;dr

  14. Weed

    Do you remember 91? When Doug McCloud used to openly rip on the Penguins while calling the finals (pre network coverage). It was THE BEST! They had this “Elvis has left the building scthick” and he would just shit all over them. I miss watching the Stanley Cup Finals on local TV (and of course having to do pay per view for the home games).

  15. “he was the best hitting defensemen on the market by far”

    Mike Komisarek is on the phone… he would like a word.

  16. Wow.
    I havent seen this big of a whine blog in years.
    And I am a Flyers fan!

    Keep crying, douchenozzles.

  17. Heh heh. Nice. Let’s see..unless any of you Joke’s are Wings fans.. THE PENS DID BETTER THAN YOUR TEAM. Ha ha..jealous pack of boob-sucking whiny toddlers.

    ps Allow me to edit

    Hossa got the same money offer from Pittsburgh as he got from Detroit, dope. He went to the Wings because he was starstruck and he admitted it.

    Malkin and Crosby for 8.7 a year each? They saved about 5 million a year minimum on that pair. (and only Ovechkin aside.. those two scored more points the last two years than any of whatever-stooge-players you have on your teams) Again..breast feeding jealousy from you.

    A few D-men making more than I would like, agreed. But guess what..they GOT THE PENS TO THE FINALS and they are all still there for the most part. Pens fans can’t complain about that. THAT WOULD BE WHINING LIKE YOU.

    Lost some role players. More fan-favorite losses than a talent losses.

    Yuk yuk Bolts Burgh South Yuk Yuk. Dope. They got Malone (OVERPAID) Hall, Roberts and Recci. Roberts kicks ass as a lead-by-example guy. Recci has degenerated into a cantanerous locker room pisser. Hall is what he is.. a decent pickup. By the way, Bolt-humpers.. Roberts+Recci= 80+ YEARS OLD. Too slow to formulate a Florida Old People Joke? Yuk yuk. Hack.

    Wait until April 09′ to see how the season goes..then IF your team does better than the Pens..then and only then can you OPEN YOUR YAP. UNTIL THEN:


    (on a side note, us Pens fans are still wondering, o great fountain of Hockey Smarts, who the hell is Colby Anderson? You said we signed him last year..must still be in the minors somewhere)


  18. This is a pretty poorly written article….

    1) If getting Malkin and Fleury locked up for 5+ years between the two is failure…then I’m happy the pens failed

    2) Hossa didn’t leave because of a “price demand”…whatever the fuck that is. He left be because, as he stated, “wanted to win, and felt DET has the best chance”. Thats fine…the pens only offered roughly 500k less, but DID offer the longer term deal, which any agent would say take since it is guarantee…Hossa didn’t, proving he’s not about the money in this case.

    3) I don’t see where the Pens are over paying for D-men…Gonchar @ 5 mil is a steal, Whitney and Orpik and solid at their prices……ask Chicago about Campbell.

    4) Dustin Brown is doing fine in the AHL and Sabourin did spot a few decent games last season – so goaltending, while not great, will work.

    All in all this article is just garbage…hopefully MYFO dumps you from their staff. Looks like this was written by a high-school aged kid. Its pretty obvious you “spent your time beating your comedy bits into the ground” because there were NONE to be found in this article.

  19. Sorry we used our draft picks on good players and built from within…..

    Are you really TBL fans? You act like you got all our great players. I just don’t see who that may be?

  20. “Hossa bolts the team so fast he leaves skidmarks, because they couldn’t meet his price demand.”

    …because they couldn’t meet his price demand.”???? That is funny, thanks for doing the research on why Hossa’ bolted’

    But while we are on that subject of not meeting his price demand;
    here is a newsflash, Malone ‘ bolted ‘for a seven-year contract worth $31.5 million, which pays him over $7 million for each of the first two seasons.
    Talk about a head spin.

    Perhaps the “research” You did was one of the things you lost on the files,maybe its time to go back to the basics.


    word of the day=bolted.

    PS. I can almost imagine you getting giddy with excitement as you typed out this statement.

    “# Hossa bolts the team so fast he leaves skidmarks, because they couldn’t meet his price demand.
    # Fleury re-signs for seven years
    # a full third of the team bolts, most of them signing with the Bolts (See what I did there?)


    Hey boys & girls look at what i did there. I made a funny!

    Go Pens.

  21. ReasonableDoubt – Joke. Can’t even count to 14.
    GO PENS!

  22. ReasonableDoubt, bro, if you want to keep making yourself look like a 14 year old, then, by all means, continue with your uneducated posts, but, you might want to take the time to get a clue about the subjects you write about if you’re interested in avoiding doing something more than proclaiming your ignorance about hockey.

    Gaborik picture guy, you want to clear up how losing in Game 6 of the SCF is a complete and final failure to the Crosby/Malkin era? I mean, I can see what you are saying since they are 21 and 22 years old. I’m sure the plan was to face bankruptcy and be forced into maintaining an uncompetitively low team salary so that the Pens could get a few high picks and hang it all on Crosby’s third and Malkin’s second season.

  23. This is the funniest, and dumbest post of the year. Proof that any moron with net cable can start a blog, regardless of the limitless stupidity of the subject matter.

    Not a Pens fan but, frankly, no team in the East can complete with them. All these haters are just jealous pussies.

  24. edit: no team in the East can compete with them.

    Or, no team in the East is as complete as them.

    Take your pick, douchebags.

  25. yeah you’re a fucking moron.

  26. Stanley Cup run > not making playoffs… jaggoff

  27. The single greatest piece of journalism I have ever laid eyes on. WOW!

  28. Just a quick question. What team do you all root for? And why pick on the Penguins? Unless you’re a detroit fan you have to at least admit that they have talent on the team. They made it to the stanley cup finals. Forget Hossa. The pens offered him 7.3 mil for 5, 6, and 7 years. He turned them down for slightly (a few hundred thou) for one year. No there was no price war. He just decided he could with the cup next year with detroit. Hockey Jesus? Crosby is talented but he’s no Lemieux or Gretzky. I hate blogs like this. You hate on a team because they were 2nd place. Where was “your” team? Pensblog doesn’t claim to be factual or news. They tell it how they see it. They’re a good source of entertainment for pens fans all over the country. And just because a few guys think one way doens’t mean that every pens fan thinks the same. I have my own opinions, I talk my own shit. Have a nice day!

  29. Do people not realize that the whole Gary Roberts thing was kind of a joke and that nobody really cares if the Lightning snatched him up? Or Malone for that price? They can be Pittsburgh south for all I care. I used to like the Lightning, but people are really making me wish ill upon them this year and for no good reason.

  30. lol absolute trash. half the team? you must be out of your mind. I’m glad tampa decided to pick up all of our garbage, they’re still gonna finish out of the playoffs. Oh yeah, the person who wrote this is an absolute fucking moron. Who is gonna challenge the Pens next year, or the next two years in the east? They also have fourteen forwards signed dumbass, and how can you justify overpaying defensemen? Our defense was top three in the league last year and only going to get better.

  31. Uhm I know there is that saying “better late than never…” That works for cocktail parties. Gotta be on the ball, kittens!

  32. […] invading MYFO because, I don’t know, they’re bored. Choose your side or run and hide. This one may […]

  33. there is nothing i can say that previous people haven’t. you are a moron, and you should be spoonfed your own feces.

  34. Too long. Didn’t read.

  35. The Pensblog dudettes were a little bit behind the curve on this one. Bad form.

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