NHL Mascots: Exposed! (Volume IV)

Mascot Bukkake!

Mascot Bukkake!

Welcome to the fourth installment of MYFO’s NHL Mascots: Exposed! series. Today’s edition features only two mascots but what occurred between these once close friends but now bitter rivals deserved its own post as it fractured the tightly-knit NHL Mascot community so terribly, the extent of the damage may never fully be realized. Perhaps we can all learn something from this tragic tale.

Hey hey hey!

Iceburgh – (Sphincterscidae Sensitivus) – Pittsburgh Penguins: Easily the most thin-skinned of the mascots, Iceburgh does not respond well to criticism, making him a terrific fit for Pittsburgh’s fan base. This oversensitivity began exhibiting itself early in life when he was frequently made fun of due to his flamboyant method of waddling – instead of keeping his wings close to his body, he would flamboyantly waved them about and referred to his playmates as “girlfriends”, much to the chagrin of his concerned parents.

Pictured here with his life partner Raul, Iceburgh’s family could never accept that he wasn’t into fertilizing eggs, as penguins put it, and was more interested in migrating to Fire Island.

Some other FABULOUS tidbits:

  • sent in an audition video for Carson Kressley’s How to Look Good Naked  television show but was promptly rejected, given the fact Iceburgh is neither female or human
  • considers krill an aphrodisiac
  • being huge Friends fans, Raul has allowed Iceburgh to have a “freebie list” of five celebrities Iceburgh would be allowed to sleep with. They are: George Clooney, Big Bird, Burgess Meredith (even though he is dead), Danny DeVito, and of course, Sidney Crosby

This poor girl was never the same

Thunderbug – (Thysanoptera Wretchius) – Tampa Bay Lightning: Given that he is a parasite, Thunderbug is perhaps the most despised NHL Mascot. In fact, it is surprising he is still allowed to practice his craft, given the litany of crimes and deplorable acts he has committed during his tenure. Sadistic and without shame, Thunderbug has no qualms using and abusing anyone in his path – even children – the very people he is supposed to entertain – sometimes for no reason whatsoever. I submit the below video as evidence:

One sick bastard, wouldn’t you agree? Having been served with multiple harassment restraining orders, the Tampa Bay Lightning have no choice but to keep Thunderbug on a short leash. I could go on and on about Thunderbug: the lies, the boozing, the total disregard for all things good and decent, but I think this photo speaks for itself:

Raul! How could you?

What the Hell? How could this happen?

Unfortunately, things were never the same between Iceburgh and Thunderbug after Iceburgh discovered this photo hidden in Raul’s Speedo drawer. Raul claims to not even remember the incident, leading to speculation that Thunderbug slipped Raul a roofie in his Pina Colada at the annual Mascot Retreat in Puerto Vallarta. The only evidence of the evening is the horrible case of scabies Raul was forced to endure. Of course, Iceburgh took Raul back, but he never forgave Thunderbug. And the thing is Thunderbug isn’t even gay! He did it just to hurt Iceburgh. That’s just wrong.

So there you have it, folks. Two mascots, one homosexual Latino (which at first surprised me, given the clip-on cell phone – I imagine the Fashion Police are hot on his tail as we speak) and plenty of hurt feelings.

If the Mascot community cannot get along, what hope is there for us? Hopefully, our next installment of Mascots Exposed will help restore our faith in humanity and the Furries that are paid entertain us. Until then, Bob Uecker help us all.

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9 Comments

  1. iceburgh is a terrorist and folds in the face of van damme

  2. Iceburgh has chicken legs.

  3. That for seriously is the Lightning mascot? Am I being punk’d?

  4. Thunderbug needs to hit the gym, yo.

    And the mental images of Big Bird and Iceburgh getting it on were, well, disturbing. But thank you.

  5. Wrap
    …yes, and if Toka does not make the team as goalie he can always make the team as a mascot. It will make him seem taller.

  6. To steal from Snoop:

    I got Big Bird and Iceburgh getting it on
    And they ain’t leaving til 6 in the morning

  7. Q-Girl, don’t even joke about that…

  8. That’s such a love triangle. Spanish soap opera, y/y?

  9. At least we don’t have Tommy Hawk anymore…

    http://hockeenight.com/2008/07/23/fans-roast-tommy-hawk-say-he-tastes-like-chicken-2.aspx


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