Jeremy Jacobs Remakes the Bruins Part II

Jeremy Jacobs: Beautiful morning, isn’t it, Quincy?

Quincy: Sir.

Jacobs: The kind of day that you want to grasp in your iron mitts, hide from your adoring fans, and on which you hope to gain some interest at a ten percent rate.

Quincy: Sure, sir.

Jacobs: Well, I’ve allotted you well over a week to contact some hip, cool bands. What have you got for me?

Quincy: Well …

Jacobs: Who’s taking Lawrence Welk to wunnerful school?

Quincy: Excuse me, sir?

Jacobs: Any future Big Bopper’s I’ll have to shoot down and claim that I was protecting our city from Moonmen?

Quincy: Uh, here’s the list of artists and the numbers where you can contact them, sir.

Jacobs: Perfect! Quincy, you’ve outdone yourself! Let’s see, first on the list is … See Bay Do?

Quincy: Sebadoh, sir.

Jacobs: Don’t correct me, Quincy! I can read hipster just fine!

Dials number

Hello, may I speak to Mr. Barlouie?

Lou Barlow: Lou speaking.

Jacobs: This is Jeremy Jacobs.

Barlow: Who?

Jacobs: Jeremy Jacobs! The hippest cat in town! The buzz of Beantown! The boss of the hoss!

Barlow: What?

Jacobs: The Boston Bruins want you, yes YOU, to write a song glorifying Bruins hockey!

Barlow: Dude, have you ever heard our music?

Jacobs: Of, of course!

Snaps at Quincy

Gimme a song!

Quincy: Uh, Freed Pig.

Jacobs: Freed Pig is a classic, Mr. Barlouie.

Barlow: How’s it go?

Jacobs: Uh, sooey, sooey …

Click

Next number.

Dials number

Hello, Mr. Miller?

Roger Miller: Yes?

Jacobs: Jeremy Jacobs, here. The hip …

Miller: We ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT interested!

Click. Jacobs redials.

Jacobs: Sir, that was eight negatives. You are interested?

Click.

Next number.

Dials number

Hello, Mr. Dando? Jeremy Jacobs, here.

Evan Dando: Hello, sir. How are you?

Jacobs: Just teeming with energy! I’m in a go-getting’ mood, Mr. Dandabulous, and I’d like to offer you the honor of writin’ a song about the Bruins!

Dando: We’d be honored, sir! We’ve already got one ready!

Jacobs hangs up.

Jacobs: That’s gonna cost you, Quincy. You had better hope this last number pays off.

Dials number.

Hello, Mr. … BARLOUIE?

Barlow: Oh, fuck off.

Jacobs: You’re the leader of two big bands? How do you have the time?

Barlow: I’m not the leader of this one, but I’m the only one who speaks English.

Jacobs: I don’t care, my good man! Let me talk with the big cheese, the head honcho!

Barlow: Your choice, sir.

J Mascis: HALLO? Mwister Jaycubs? This wiz J. Wit’s swo nice to twalk to ywu.

Jacobs: Excuse me?

Mascis: W’I’m a bwig Bwuins fan. Ever swince Bwobby Whore.

Jacobs: Son, you’re gonna have to stop slurring …

Mascis: Whadinesar junywer’d bwe whonered to wite a song about the Bwuins.

Jacobs: Well, thank you, Jay. I’m …

Mascis: Don’t sway another word, sir! I’m alweady on it!

Click

Jacobs: Well, Quincy, this is quite a conundrum you’ve put me in! The men creating this song either hate me or have forty-four chromosomes!

Quincy: Sir …

Jacobs: How many bandmates does this Jay have?

Quincy: Three, sir.

Jacobs: THREE?! Does each bandmember play 5 instruments at a time?

Quincy: Sir, you told me to find a hipster, Boston band. This isn’t the forties. Hipster has a completely different meaning today.

Jacobs: Well, this is a fine mess you’ve put me in Quincy! Looks like we’ll have to let this Jay and his mediocre bandmates write this song!

Quincy: You won’t be disappointed, sir.

Jacobs: You had better hope not! Otherwise, I’ll send you off to fight the Gooks!

Quincy: Sir, that war ended over fifty years ago.

Jacobs: Bullfeathers! I saw Hawkeye fighting them last night.

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1 Comment

  1. No idea what just happened.


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