MYFO Open Letter Series: Sean Avery gets the Sean Avery Treatment

Yanno, I’m a pretty patient guy. I bide my time. I wait my turn. I give people plenty of room on the interstate when they decide to cut me off.

Which is why when I spent months building Sean Avery into hockey’s badass every chance I could (and I beat that motherfucking horse to death over and over), I didn’t fly off the handle when he decided to intern at Vogue this summer. Hell, I didn’t even do a post on it. But some things, even I cannot stand.

Dear Effete Wingers Who Are Getting Too Big For Their Own Gimmick:

Bro, what the fuck. I spent seven months extolling your virtues on this site, on Deadspin, on the radio, through Versus, and in person. I taxed my one true journalistic source with the Lightning trying to get your happy ass signed down here. I built your gimmick up from fucking scratch, from November through the playoffs. I even fucking liveblogged your injury. I bit my tongue when you decided to be a little bitch and intern for Vogue this summer. I didn’t say a word when you wore this bullshit. But this? Seriously, you little fucking punk? You’re going to pull this shit? Well, fine. If I have to burn the village to save it, so be it.

First, your pussy-ass play in the second round of the playoffs. You played the last game with a lacerated spleen, but what about the games before that, you fucking cock hound? HIT SOMEONE FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Did you think the Penguins were going to be so honored to job out to your stupid fucking ass that they wouldn’t try to score goals? You’re supposed to be an agitator! AGITATE SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME!

Second, your dumbass idea to intern at Vogue. Are you fucking trying to ruin your reputation as a badass? Did your agent give you a buzz and say, “Hey, Sean, people see you as too manly. We can’t have that. You need to do something really out of the mainstream for hockey players to make people question whether you’re an adult male. How would you feel about dating Miley Cyrus? Oh, you already got the herp from Cuthbert? Well, you can’t get it twice! Fine….then, how about interning for Vogue? It’ll be like the Devil Wears Prada!” Credibility: 0, turd burglar. I’ve eaten Gushers less fruitier than this.

Next, this photo. Dude….what the shit. I don’t even have words for this. Between looking at that shit and having to listen to the fucking Sklar brothers on ESPN, I may have gone blind with rage.

Finally, this…dude, why? You probably don’t know this, but we here at MYFO have taken great care in portraying you as a badass. Fucking a cougar just to conquer the turf is one thing, but if this shit is true? A “relationship”? I could have worked around you being a fiend for trannies….but not a fiend for grannies. Now I have to spend next season doing Carey Price imitations, you cock muncher.

Hey Sean….knock, knock.

…..go fuck yourself.

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8 Comments

  1. This is tagged “Being Serious for a Change” ?

  2. Hold on, you were portraying him as a badass? I thought he was a 12 year old boy with Tourette’s.

  3. Mainstream thought process doesn’t see a difference.

  4. Yes, I was led to believe you didn’t like Mr. Avery, his style of play, or his general all-around douchebaggery.

  5. He could date me for publicity. Or something.

  6. I could have worked around you being a fiend for trannies….but not a fiend for grannies.

    I laughed so hard I spotted.

  7. perhaps a fiend for trannie grannies?

    /applauds RD

  8. My fake facebook profile (Dikembe Turdburglar) wonders why you had to use his name in vain.

    Oh, and “cock hound”? Literary. Fucking. Genius.


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