Some Blogger Guy From “The Hockey News” Has All The Answers

 

Mike Brophy, blogger extraordinaire for The Hockey News, took it upon himself in a post published on August 4th to be one of the few people the only person in the friggin’ world to try and attempt the impossible task of defending Gary Bettman. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have casually read Brophy’s work from time to time and usually his work his more than competent. That is what makes this post all the more puzzling.

Not Even Photoshopped

Not Even Photoshopped

First off, he begins by asking if “[we] know that dude who pops up on the Dr. Phil Show every now and then to administer lie detector tests…”

Um, no. And could Mr. Brophy please point out to me where “NHL Fans” and “People Who Watch Dr. Phil Religiously” would intersect on a Venn Diagram? I suppose in considering it, “unemployed” and “may be mentally handicapped” or “too cheap for cable” may be three such instances, but I digress.

The crux of his argument as to why we as fans need to allow Bettman more time is as follows:

Well, I am certain if he strapped me to his Polygraph and asked me if I like Gary Bettman, my answer – yes – would not be ruled as deceptive.

You see, I don’t think it’s easy running a league that has 30 teams with 30 different agendas. I don’t think hockey fans would be happy with Ghandi if he ran the league.

It’s a thankless job.

A thankless job? Perhaps it is, but whether a job is thankless or not, incompetence is incompetence and should not be tolerated even if someone believes they deserve a pat on the back, a cookie or a hand job when said job is somehow performed adequately.

Brophy hopes for the best for Bettman – he really really does. More than that, Brophy is a hands-on kind of guy – that’s just how he rolls. Not willing to simply stand idly on the sidelines and berate, mock and ridicule Mr. Bettman (although I highly recommend it, it’s quite enjoyable), Brophy offers the following suggestions:

So what can Bettman do to get back into people’s good books? Well, if I am his P.R. guy, I say:

• Do away with this phrase: In keeping with club policy, terms of the agreement will not be made public. Gary, tell your dopey GMs we live in a salary cap world and contract information must be made public.

• Turn down the damn music. I come from an era when just being at the game was good enough. Throw in a little organ music if you wish. If I wanted to go to an AC/DC concert, I’d go to an AC/DC concert.

• Speed up video replay. I can’t count the number of times when I have seen a call come into question and the geniuses watching tape keep on watching after a definitive view has been shown on TV.

• Have home teams wear their white jerseys so fans can see more color from the visitors. And while we’re on the subject, how about encouraging teams to get away from predominantly black uniforms. Bring back the purple and gold of the Kings and the baby blue of the Penguins.

Well, jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick! If only the Bettster were aware that to get the NHL back on track, benign moves such as turning down that blasted rock ‘n’ roll music at the arenas, forcing away teams to wear pretty colors and fine-tuning the semantics of how General Managers speak would be all that is necessary. According to his logic, solely on the virtue of those actions, the shitstorm that is the NHL would magically return to The Golden Era. I’m sure even this I.Q.-challenged Commish could have figured out these on his own. Great job, Brophy.

Mr. Brophy, I sure as shit hope this was written with your tongue planted firmly in your cheek. If not, I look forward to hearing your views on how to solve larger societal ills. I imagine they would go a little something like the following:

  • The Current Housing Crisis: Build more houses. That way, people who are having their homes foreclosed on have somewhere to move!
  • The Never-Ending Rise in the Cost of Gas: Less traffic lights. That way, everyone can get to where they are going much faster, therefore using less gas!
  • The War in Iraq: more colorful uniforms for the troops!
  • Asshole Stupidi taking gigantic dumps on women and human decency, otherwise known as the land of the Deadspin commenters: allow in more commenters with less stringent guidelines, thereby diluting the possibility of misogynistic comments. Wait.
  • The Brett Favre Situation: cut Brett Favre in two and allow both the Vikings and the Packers to have half. Then, whoever volunteers to let the other team have Favre whole, they will be the team that truly deserves him.

Actually, the Favre idea wasn’t half-bad – up until the second sentence.

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5 Comments

  1. “Asshole Stupidi taking gigantic dumps on women and human decency, otherwise known as the land of the Deadspin commenters: allow in more commenters with less stringent guidelines, thereby diluting the possibility of misogynistic comments. Wait.”

    I especially love how Iracane says that the real problem is that the comments aren’t funny. Well, no shit, Sherlock, then why the fuck were they there in the first place? If the Golden Rule is “though shalt not NOT be funny,” what were those shitstick comments doing there in the first place? Retard.

  2. Unemployment: get a job, you lazy bums!!

  3. Tim Gunn would not approve of those uniform suggestions.

    What does Tim have to do with hockey? Nothing.

  4. Hey asshole, Ghandi would be a shitty commissioner, too, because he also knows nothing about hockey (presumably)

  5. @ wrap: Tim Gunn is the reason hockey exists. I think that’s how it went…


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