Just in case you haven’t flipped your NHL-approved calendar, today is Sidney Crosby’s 21st birthday. Given that MYFO is by far the most friendly (and funniest, and best, and most outrageous, and sexiest, and most congenial – need I continue?) hockey blog on these here internets, we took it upon ourselves to show Hockey Jesus a good time on his milestone birthday.
Of course, Sid was more than happy to spend an evening out on the town with a bunch of bloggers he’s never met before. Drinks were drunk, laws and hearts were broken (as well as an incredibly valuable Hummel figurine collection, but we don’t need to get into that right now), but overall, we had a rip-roaring good time.
So follow me after the jump and follow along on our night of drunken debauchery.
The limo pulls up to a palatial estate in a Pittsburgh suburb. Sid, a bit overdressed in a tuxedo, hops in . We, of course, are seated inside, sipping on champagne coolies…
MYFO: Happy Birthday!!
Sid: Hey, you are the MYFO guys, right?
LeNoc: We sure are. I’m LeNoc, that’s Hex over there, this is Reasonable, Weed just stepped out to burn one and we’ll be picking up Rask at a pharmacy downtown. He had some business to attend to.
Sid: Gosh, I just want to start off by saying I love your blog…
Reasonable: Cut the bullshit, Sid, you don’t need to kiss our asses…
Sid: No, I really do. I love how you guys are always screwing around with those Pensblog goofballs. Those guys need to get a grip.
Hex: You’re not kidding. In fact, I was just mentioning that to my wingman Ted Leonsis, have you heard of him?
Sid: Of course.
Weed climbs back into limo
Weed: Hey, what’d I miss?
LeNoc: Nothing, Weed. Are we ready to go?
Weed: Sure thing. Hey Sid, have you ever met Derek Boogaard?
Limo departs, heads for downtown…
Sid: Wow, sweet limo! Which one of you guys own it?
LeNoc: Own it?
Sid: Yeah, dude! I just figured that being famous hockey bloggers like yourselves, you signed a lucrative long-term deal and bought it. It’s so choice. (Note: When Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was released, Crosby wasn’t born yet.)
Hex: You’re on the right track, I suppose. Right, RD?
Reasonable: (cackles maniacally)
(somewhere in suburban Pittsburgh, Evgeni Malkin’ is tied up in his storm cellar with a limo-sized hole in his garage door)
Limo pulls up to a Eckerd Pharmacy in downtown Pittsburgh. Rask hops in.
Rask: Guys, I hit the fucking mother lode. We’re set. Let’s get going. Hey Sid – happy birthday, I guess. Have a Percocet on me.
Sid: OOOOOOOOH! Is this candy?
Rask: It’s sweet to me.
Sid: Blech! Tastes like my gym bag! I don’t want it!
Rask: A longer en bloc blackout for me!
Sid: Is everyone ready to PAR-TAYYYYYY?
Weed: Sure thing, boss.
Sid: Where do you guys want to go first? How about Applebee’s? I’ve always wanted to have one of their Mocha Martinis!
Hex: It’s your night, dude.
Reasonable: Fucking Applebee’s? Are you kidding me? Yeah, whatever. Sure.
LeNoc: Applebee’s it is. Driver, please take us to the nearest Applebee’s and step on it. I’m as dry as dirt.
The gang shuffles into Applebee’s and grab a high top table.
Sid: Guys, this is so awesome!! Woooo!
Reasonable: Easy there, Tiger. We’re at a family restaurant.
Sid: Oops. My bad!
Rask: Is this guy serious?
Hex: Alright, how about a round of shots?
Sid: Ohhh, I dunno. I’ve never had one before…
LeNoc: You’ll do fine. We’ll take it easy on you. (to server) Six Scooby Snacks, please.
Sid: A Scooby Snack?? No way! That is so bitchin! But I can still have one of those Mocha Martinis, right?
Weed: Man, like we said already, it’s your night. Do whatever the hell you want.
Sid: SA-WEEEEET! Server, can I have a Mocha Martini? Actually, make it two. You only live once, right?
Applebee’s Server: Sir, unfortunately it is against our policy to over-serve our customers. Since only an obviously intoxicated person would think to order two drinks at once, we are going to have to cut you off…and your friends, too.
Rask: This is total bullshit!
Rask knocks table over, throws a salt shaker at the bartender
Hex: Let’s get the hell outta here! Move it!
The crew jumps in and the limo hightails it out of the Applebee’s parking lot
Sid: Guys that totally ruled! I love being 21! It’s the neatest!
Weed: Where to next, kid?
Sid: Gosh, I don’t know. What do you guys think?
Reasonable: I heard there is some bar that is having a Sidney Crosby look-alike contest tonight. Let’s go there.
The gang heads into the Carson City Saloon…
LeNoc: Alright Sid, it’s time to get some drinking done. What do you want?
Sid: Something fruity.
Hex: Good lord. Fine. Get him a Fuzzy Navel.
Sid: The names they come up with for drinks!
Rask: Look. They have a mechanical bull. I’m going to ride it.
Reasonable: You think that’s a good idea, Rask? Are you sure you’re in the right condition to do that?
Rask: Ahh, fuck it, then.
Weed: I think you should do it. It would be fucking hilarious…
A few hours later, back in the limo…
Reasonable: No friggin’ way did that just happen. The real Sidney Crosby didn’t win the Sidney Crosby Look-Alike Contest.
Hex: It probably didn’t help that he chuffed on the bouncer.
Sid: I don’t feel so good. Those Fuzzy Navels are strong. How many did I have? Eight?
LeNoc: Two. You had two. In fact, you didn’t even finish the second one – you spilled half of it down the front of that cougar’s dress…
Sid: She looked like my mom. She seemed nice.
LeNoc: I can’t believe she was the only decent-looking woman in that bar…Pittsburgh women are fucking ugly.
Reasonable: You got that right. It was like a god damn leper colony in there. Soooo, Weed, how was your conversation with Kordell Stewart?
Weed: It’s not fucking funny, dude. Piss off. I can’t believe he followed me into the bathroom…
Rask: I can’t believe I won the mechanical bull riding contest. 49 seconds, motherfuckers!
Hex: How in the hell did you do that?
Rask: Couldn’t tell you. It was all a blur. I think I blacked out for awhile there.
Sid: There was a mechanical bull in there?
Weed: You were dry-humping it at one point, Sid. Not awkward at all.
Reasonable: Only slightly less awkward than the big “gambling” junket. Seriously, bingo in a VFW hall in Wheeling, W.Va.?
Sid: Sorry about that. Gary Roberts swore that’s where he had his bachelor party.
LeNoc: I don’t know. It kind of felt like home. The beer selection spanned from Bud all the way to Bud Light.
Sid: I don’t think I like drinking so much.
LeNoc: You’ll get the hang of it, kid.