When the Cats are Down, the Rats Run Town

Jacques Martin: Yes, Mr. Cohen, with the Bouwmeester situation handled, we’re well on our way back to relevancy in this league … well, er, sir, I think you’ll still need to, um, siphon some more money away from the horses … no, I don’t think it’ll be much ..


Martin: Sir, I’m sorry, but I have an important meeting right now I’llcallyoubackKbye.


Martin: Yes, we signed Bouwmeester to a one-year deal. But he’ll be gone next year, don’t you worry, little white rat! We’ll get on fine without him!


Martin: Yessir, we’ll be fine. Then, two years from now, we’ll get rid of Nathan Horton! Is that good enough?


Martin: NO? Uh, what if we sign Cloutier and send Vokoun to Washington?


Martin: STILL NOT ENOUGH? What if we sign Jassen Cullimore?


Martin: I KNOW WE ALREADY DID THAT! What more do you want from me? I can only be so stupid without the rest of the league knowing! You go back to your stupid master, and tell him he can go fuck himself!

Socrates: THK! THK! THK!

Martin: Don’t get uppity with me, you plague-carrier!

Crispin Glover: Is there a problem, Mr. Martin?

Martin: Oh no, no problem, Wil, er, Mr. Glover.

Crispin Glover: Good, I’d hate to think that our non-negotiable lifetime contract would be in any danger of being broken by you.

Martin breaks down.


Crispin Glover: My dear Jacques, do we have to go through this every time? Tell your problems to that dead rat lying somewhere in the Miami Arena. Can’t you hear his squeaks? They are a constant death knell for your franchise as long as we are here. Keenan didn’t seem to have a problem with it. Then again, he left right after I made him trade Luongo.

Martin: Why don’t you go after Mellanby? He’s the one who turned the rat into maggot hors d’oeuvres!

Crispin Glover: But did he profit off that poor rat’s death? Perhaps a namedrop in the hundreds of papers that covered your run to the Stanley Cup Finals! That’s the only positive aspect about this pathetic franchise! You’re everything wrong about the NHL! Bumbling ownership, a warm-weather town, and trades that make the Louisiana Purchase seem fair!

Did one innocent creature have to die for the NHL to become relevant in southern Florida? Wait, don’t answer that, Karamazov, I’ll tell you: NO. You will continue to dwindle in obscurity and mediocrity until I say so. Until then, I hope you have room for Manute Bol, because he’s your new first-line center.

Martin: Why are you even doing this, Crispin? Willard wasn’t even released until 2003! I’d thank your agent for giving you shitty roles if you didn’t spend so much goddamn time around here!

Crispin Glover: Oh, that was a low blow, sir. I’ll make you pay for that. You see all of my minions? I can make them do whatever I want.

Martin: Then tell them to get the fuck out of my office!

Crispin Glover: No, I think we’ll stick around for awhile. Rizzo!

Rizzo: Yes, boss?

Crispin Glover: Serve Mr. Martin some breakfast!

Rizzo: You got it!

Martin: No! No! Enough!

Crispin Glover: Ratbert!

Ratbert: Yessir, Mr. Glover sir, what can I do for you?

Crispin Glover: Lace up a pair of skates and get some gear. You’re going to be Florida’s #1 defenseman this year. I’m sure Mr. Bouwmeester can’t wait to go to Toronto.

Ratbert: Oh boy! I’m gonna make the big time! Mr. Martin, don’t you worry! I’ve been lifting cheeseblocks everyday. Of course, I’ve been in a BALCO lab as a test subject for years, but Mr. Conte gave me some great masking agents! You won’t have to worry about me pulling a Sean Hill!

Martin: No, no, no …

Crispin Glover: I believe you have one more thing to do, Mr. Martin. Remember, we’ll be watching … until filming for Epic Movie 2 starts.

Crispin Glover and his army leave the room.

Martin picks up the phone.

Martin: Hello, Indianapolis Ice? Do you have Manute Bol’s address?


  1. I don’t know what just happened there.

  2. You’ve never seen Willard?

  3. Or read The Brothers Karamazov? Or watched Muppets take Manhattan?

    I make the readers work too damn hard. I’m the Mike Keenan of allusions.

  4. @ Raskolnikov: Maybe “Secrets of NIMH” is more Rocco’s speed

  5. I had nightmares about Willard last night. Thanks, Rask. Thanks a lot.

  6. I’d been so busy with work and school I didn’t realize they’d traded Olli. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go eat a gun.

  7. If you’re going to put Ratbert in as part of Florida’s #1 defensive pairing, you should do something with making Catbert, The Evil HR Director, part of the NHL’s front offices.

  8. This would actually explain a lot…

    “Bumbling ownership, a warm-weather town, and trades that make the Louisiana Purchase seem fair!”

    And that’s why this franchise lost me years ago. Well, that along with the moving to Assfuck, Nowhere and being next to impossible to find on TV when I was young shit.

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