Sometime last week, at 3:00 a.m., somewhere in Ontario, a telephone rings…
Todd: That’s what they call me at the nightclubs! Oh my, look at the time. Who is this?
Marc: It’s me, Marc. How are you?
Todd: I’m super, thanks for asking! Wait. Marc Jacobs? It’s about time you called. When are you going to get me my Louis Vuitton Beaubourg bag that you promised me? It’s supremely glorious, you know.
Marc: Um no, Marc Crawford.
Todd: Oh. So are you going to get me that fabulous bag?
Marc: No. Todd, we have problems. We need to talk.
Todd: I am not saying one more word unless I get my Beaubourg bag!
Marc: Fine. I’ll get you one post-haste. Jesus Christ, I need to tell you something, Todd.
Todd: Okay okay. Don’t have a hissy fit, silly goose! As if…
Marc: I want to let you know that I am going to testify that I did not order you to take out Steve Moore. In fact, I am going to say that you directly disobeyed orders to return to the bench.
Todd: But you did tell me to do that, silly buns! (pulls phone away) Dig? Dig, come here you marvelous little puppy. Who’s your favorite Daddy-waddy? Who? Who? Who loves you? (making slobbery kissing noises)
Marc: I’m afraid you do not understand the significance of what I am telling you.
Todd: Of course I understand. Pinky swear!
Marc: Todd, I’m selling you out. You are going to be on your own from this point on in this one.
Todd: But…but why? I thought we were in this together. Like Thelma & Louise!
Marc: I’m truly sorry, Todd, but you have to understand – my stock as a coach is at an all-time low. I’m working for the goddamn CBC as an analyst! Do you understand how that makes me feel? I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to take this one on the chin…
Todd: Not the first time that will happen. Hmmmm-mmmmm. Oh my! What a little slut I am!
Marc: Todd, listen to me! I have to do this. My reputation and my career are at stake. But I just want to let you know that I will always remember this and respect you for the honorable soldier that you are.
Todd: It’s almost like “Don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, isn’t it?
Marc: Kind of. I guess.
Todd: So we’re still on for Manhattans and the Lipstick Jungle season premiere, right?
Marc: Of course we are, Toddy…
Todd: Oh, you’re such a sweet-talker. How could I ever say no to you?
Marc: You never have.