NHL Mascots: Exposed! (Volume V)

Welcome to another installment of MYFO’s NHL Mascots: Exposed! Series. I am confident that by now you all know the routine, so let’s just get to it, shall we?

One caveat: as has been the case with other volumes, we are dealing with mascots, so things can get a little hairy, literally and figuratively, so be forewarned.

Blades the Bruin – (Ursus Deliriumus Tremensus) – Boston Bruins: A notorious boozer, to Blades, every day is a party. Case in point: the photo above wasn’t even taken on St. Patrick’s Day, but on Arbor Day. Blades’ motto is “less thinkin’, more drinkin'” and he lives by that creed to the point of absurdity.

In fairness to our subject, it’s not like Blades really had a fair shot in life and becoming a raging alcoholic was nearly a foregone conclusion for him. His father was the famous Hamm’s Beer Bear, so his proclivity for the hooch should come as no surprise. His old man tried to be a good father, but all the time spent on the road for appearances at trade events and boat shows left Blades little time to truly bond with his dad, and when he did, it was over a case or two of beer – or when times were good, fermented salmon urine – or pisskey, as his old man liked to call it. Blades’ father died prematurely of cirrhosis of the liver, and at the age of 8, Blades was left caring for his mother, who, in Blades’ words, was a “coldhearted bitch of a bear” who would “go off and hibernate for weeks at a time”.

In his young adult years, Blades traveled the country trying to find himself, but what he mostly found were roadhouse brawls and back alley broads who found it hard to resist Blades’ now-legendary pickup line: “You ever had that ass mauled by a bear before?” 

Blades, in spite of his addiction, managed to hook-up with a traveling carnival, and he spent a few years entertaining small towns across the country with his inebriated shenanigans. He got his big break when an executive from the Boston Bruins caught his act, and the rest, as the say, is history.

Some other morsels of information:

  • hates black bears, but really can’t come up with a reason why
  • claims to have once kicked Gentle Ben’s ass in a bar brawl
  • claims to not remember the year 1986

  • finds it incredibly difficult to control himself around Ice Girls, or as he degradingly refers to them, “Snatch on the Rocks”

Spartacat – (Panthera Patchoulius) –  Ottawa Senators: Born to hippie parents on a commune in Southern California, Spartacat stays true to how he was raised and let’s his freak flag fly. Just take a look at the photo – his eyes are all pupils! A weed-smoking, ‘shroom-eating, acid-dropping burnout, Spartacat isn’t really sure how he ended up in Canada but he has certainly taken full advantage of their liberal marijuana laws.

A precocious cub, there was little that Spartacat didn’t get his mangy little paws into, including his parents’ stash at the age of 3. From that point on, you could say the path his life would take was already blazed.

After high school, Spartacat took classes part-time for a few semesters at a community college but spent a majority of his days skipping class, playing hacky sack outside the Student Center and listening to Phish. He bounced around from menial job to menial job until he managed to land a job at Scotiabank Place doing face painting, which he thought was “real far out”. He was continuously entertaining his co-workers with his wacky antics and gradually ingratiated himself to Senators management which ultimately resulted in him getting offered the mascot job. Unfortunately, on one occasion during a real bad trip, Spartacat viciously attacked Storm, the Carolina Hurricanes mascot, after he hallucinated that Storm was a giant orange that was trying to eat him.

Other nugs of wisdom:

  • was a session musician on Frank Zappa’s masterpiece Joe’s Garage.
  • once wrote a parody song of Ricky Martin’s Livin’ la Vida Loca called Tokin’ la Weeda Smoka
  • credits using only the finest organic hemp shampoo for the health and shine of his mane
  • Matt Millen once tried to trade for Spartacat by offering the Senators a first round draft pick and Charles Rogers

Howler the Coyote – Carnivora Simpletonus – Phoenix Coyotes: Not known as the sharpest knife in the drawer, Howler got to where he is today on sheer determination and his “aw-shucks” attitude. Born to high school dropout parents and raised in a trailer park outside of Tucson, neighbors realized that Howler was “different” from early on, primarily due to the time he got tangled up and nearly died during a spirited bout of tetherball with his imaginary friend, Saint Cool Dude Awesomeman. After that, his parents would not let him out of the house without wearing a helmet.

But Howler’s dreams reached far beyond the confines of the trailer park. His dream was to become the most famous prairie wolf since Wile E. Coyote, even though he could never understand why Wile E. would buy stuff from a place named after pimples.

Howler began his career in entertainment as an extra on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and his stock quickly rose after he peed on Jim Fowler during an episode about the Sonoran Desert.

Some other information to be picked over:

  • Janet Gretzky would frequently take advantage of Howler’s gullibility and convince him to make bets on NHL games on her behalf
  • believed to be the inspiration for the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ first single, “True Men Don’t Kill Coyotes” –  Howler claims Anthony Kiedis once came after him with a baseball bat after he accidentally misplaced the frontman’s heroin
  • thinks it is “recockulous” that coyotes are frequently made out to be buffoons in Native American folklore – he says that “If Native Americans are so smart, why does their name have something to do with not being smart?” – when informed that they are Native Americans, not Naive Americans, Howler says “exactly”
  • believes that pulling on his tail should be considered a hate crime

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4 Comments

  1. “You ever had that ass mauled by a bear before?”

    Greatest. Pickup line. Ever.

  2. “You ever had that ass mauled by a bear before?”
    ohhhhh – sign me up

  3. Even though Spatacat likes Phish (blek) at least he’s trying to save the world from ManBearPig in that photo.

  4. “You ever had that ass mauled by a bear before?”

    Bears don’t maul… they hug!


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