Dear God, How Can Three Months Seem So Long?

Ah, the doldrums of an NHL blogger during the summer. No reports of Mike Keenan making players cry, Chris Chelios is regenerating in Jaye Davidson’s sarcophagus, and Marty Turco’s gender solidifies off the ice. What am I supposed to mock?

Other morons’ crazy ideas, of course! Doug Karda compared heavy metal music to hockey in an NHL.com article. Besides the obvious connection of the former being played ad nauseum at the latter’s matches, Karda notes three other connections between the genres: talent, unity, and intensity. Let’s break down the arguments for each of them:

Talent

“You will never find a Milli Vanilli in the world of metal.”

No, but you will find Stryper, Linkin Park, and a disemboweled Metallica among its ranks!

Unity

“It is synergy and team play that differentiates the truly great band or team from all the pretenders to the throne.”

Yes! The Smashing Pumpkins’ greatest album, Siamese Dream, was a masterpiece where all four members contributed equally to the droning, gossamer hooks. What? You mean James Iha and D’Arcy were too busy crying over their broken relationship to record? And Jimmy Chamberlain was in a Lindrosian state? So, Billy Corgan and Butch Vig recorded and mixed the record completely on their own?

Well, My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless, an even better album than Siamese Dream, must have been a collaborative effort. Colm O’Ciosig’s great drumming was … present on two of the tracks. Debbie Googe showed up when Kevin Shields permitted her to record when her skills didn’t interfere with the vision in his head. Shields even told Belinda Butcher when to sing!

These albums really suffered due to the lack of synergy and team play, Paul. They’re nothing compared to The Great Southern Trendkill.

Intensity

“This is the fuel that propels both heavy-metal music and the sport of hockey. It is required to fashion a meaningful performance in either arena.”

That statement’s fairly accurate. Jaromir Jagr’s lethargic play in Washington, despite his world-class talent, forced Washington to get rid of him after two seasons. Alexander Karpovtsev could never find a team because of his lackadaisical work ethic.

Still, is intensity required only in heavy metal? You can’t tell me that Phil Anselmo was any more intense than Ian Curtis because the former screamed into the microphone whereas the latter preferred to lower his voice below his normal range.

I fail to see the link between the two genres. Oh, wait, Karda admits this fact as well:

“When you scratch the surface, hockey and heavy-metal music — heck, any kind of music — have more similarities than you might think.”

Great job on debasing your argument five sentences into your piece! Thanks for playing, Paul!

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3 Comments

  1. Another difference: a hockey Cinderella story is much, much better than actually listening to Cinderella.

  2. Ahh Linkin Park, or as a friend of mine syays, “The Backstreet Boys of Metal”

  3. So wait, who in the NHL is trying to get 12 year olds to give a crap about saving the planet?


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