Teenage Angstclub

As Rask so eloquently pointed out, there’s not a whole lot going on right now in Puck World.  And without any logical tie-ins to the Olympics or NFL Training Camp, ice hockey beat writers are struggling with their August doldrum “PAY ATTENTION TO ME” pieces.  But thanks to a bunch of pre-teens swinging metal bats somewhere in Pennsylvania, there’s still hope.

Ah, the Little League World Series.

For those not important enough to get a Beijing press pass or a unlimited expense account to visit suburban collegiate gridirons, they are left to cover a nationally-televised children with He Kexin-esque aging issues.  Hey, hockey writers!  You’re not doing anything!  See if you can find an NHL tie-in at the LLWS!

Ah, Chris Drury.

As a few some all of you know, New York Rangers forward Chris Drury had a LLWS ring (he promptly traded it to Billy for a Todd Van Poppel rookie card).  NHL.com has desperately interviewed Drury, learning such ground breaking insights like how he “remembers what a good time it was” and “it was exciting.”  Get that guy a Pulitzer. 

(Or a Todd Van Poppel rookie card.)

After the jump, we give you what Chris Drury really thinks about his diamond days, assuming he’s got a bit of Truth Serum Lager and Ale in him.

Hextall454: Thanks for joining us, Chris.  Bartender, keep ’em coming.

Drury: A blogger?  Really?  The PR Department gets Gomez a recurring spot on Sabado Gigante and I’m stuck in this dive talking to you.  What?  Did Mom need the basement for a luau-themed party? (hiccups)

Hextall454: So, Chris.  Let’s talk about your old stomping grounds – Trumbull, Connecticut.  Quite the cultural mecca, I’m sure. 

Drury:  Whatever, man.  What’s your point?

Hex: The year was 1989.  Was baseball just an outlet for parents to send their kids to do so that they could avoid racy black movies like Ghost Dad?

Drury: Don’t make me flip this small, perpetually-full bowl of peanuts on yo’ head, blogger.

Hex: Easy, tough guy.  So…could you pick Bill Cosby out from a line-up consisting of solely Bill Cosby and the Wu-Tang Clan?

Drury:  Look, man.  I’ll admit.  My hometown is has more white bread than Subway, pre-Jared.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not culturally aware.  Perhaps you forgot in your fact checking that I rolled with Mike Grier for 14 games in Buffalo back in ’04.

Hex: Just because you were on the same team with a black guy-

Drury: You’re questioning me, cracker?

Hex: Look, we’re getting off-topic.  So.  Chris.  Little League World Series.  Your thoughts.

Drury: Greatest championship I’ve ever won, blogger.  Just read the NHL.com piece.  I was a just a fortunate Kid in King Baseball’s Court. 

Hex:  See, that’s what I’m getting at!  You just referenced a movie starring the kid from Rookie of the Year that wasn’t Rookie of the Year.  I get the similarities, sure.  That kid was a little league player.  You were a little league player.  But damn it, Drury, you had to have been 18 when that movie came out.  No wonder you’re not an enforcer.  You’re as threatening as fabric softener.

Drury:  I’d like to quote a passage from a real journalist, to show you, blogger, what type of writing can get you a job at a REAL hockey website.  From the .com piece:

Taiwan’s Little League teams were the equivalent of the NHL’s Montreal Canadiens and Major League Baseball’s New York Yankees in dominance. Drury shut them down.

You see that?  SHUT.  THEM.  DOWN.

Hex: Yeah, got it.  But wouldn’t you say he used some creative license?

Drury:  Creative what?

Hex: License.  Yea, you tossed a complete game.  But it was LITTLE LEAGUE.  There isn’t a bullpen in Little League.  No one brings in Johnny, whose pitching regimen has been designed to shut the door in the 6th or 7th or whatever the hell last inning is.  Besides, Johnny is probably your shortstop and your best fielder.  According to the stat line, you scatter five hits and two runs, striking out two and walking four.  Walking four?

Drury: Erm…

Hex:  Damn right, erm.  What, was your girlfriend Karen having trouble not flashing her training bra at you, forcing you to hand out bases on balls like it was some sort of raffle?  And two strike outs?  Hell, I could strike out the side with just my heater right now.

Drury:  But you’re not 12!

Hex:  Irrelevant.  Here’s my point, Chris.  In these interviews you’re giving, you’re allowing crapy beat writers to shower you with praise of the day when you took the mound and sent Taiwan packing.  But all in all, it was an unspectacular outing that got the job down.  You didn’t pitch an ace’s game, so don’t remember it as such.  You seem like a nice guy, and I can see why Buffalo cried for months when you left.  Just don’t be who you’re not.

Drury:  Wow, blogger.  That puts things into perspective.  Thanks.

Hex:  Oh, and you’re whiter than kickball.


1 Comment

  1. I’ve never heard Dru speak more than three words! I like that he calls you “blogger.” I feel that.

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