Jesus Marimba! Not Another Charity Hockey Game!

Here we go again. The inaugural Festival Cup charity hockey game will take place on September 5th at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. The event benefits the Right to Play, “an international humanitarian organization that uses sport and play programs to improve health, develop life skills, and foster peace for children and communities in some of the most disadvantaged areas of the world.”

In addition to the cavalcade of celebrities (which we will get to later), the event will boast the following Canadian NHLers:

“…including Joe Thornton (San Jose Sharks), Jason Spezza (Ottawa Senators), Curtis Joseph (Toronto Maple Leafs), Matt Stajan (Toronto Maple Leafs), Robyn Regehr (Calgary Flames), Mike Cammalleri (Calgary Flames), Sean Avery (Dallas Stars) and Andrew Ference (Boston Bruins).”

An admirable roster of players, to be sure. I just hadn’t realized up to this point that the Canuckistanians are such a xenophobic bunch. Right to Play is an international organization, so why no American or European players?

Anyhoo, the following Hollywood players will be strapping on the skates for charity:

“…along with Hollywood’s Tim Robbins, Alan Thicke, D.B. Sweeney, Cameron Bancroft and director Jason Reitman – head a list of more than 30 celebrities including team Captains Doug Gilmour and Luc Robitaille.”

Wow. Alan Thicke and D.B. Sweeney? Can you imagine the security detail necessary to protect these two? It will be mind-blowing!

Now, those of you who have been with MYFO since the beginning may recall a post I did way back in January regarding Luc Robitaille’s Celebrity Shootout. In keeping with that tradition (and since this offseason has officially reached mind-numbing status and I can’t come up with anything original), let’s take a hypothetical look at what might just occur at the Festival Cup.

Doug Gilmour

 

Okay, everyone, take a seat. First of all, I’d like to thank each you and every one of you for taking part in the Festival Cup. We, as I’m sure the kids we are helping, really appreciate it!

 

 

 

 

 

Luc Robitaille

 

Absolutely, Doug. I had a charity game earlier this year and let me tell you, we all had a great time – sort of. Now if we could just discuss a few of the ground rules…

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Blah, blah, blah. Hey old-timer, why don’t you grab some fucking bench before you fall down?

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Robbins

 

I truly do not believe such behavior should be tolerated. If the children cannot look to us as leaders to inspire them to chase their dreams…

 

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Hey, hippie, why don’t you just shut your piehole? Unless you want me to shut it for you…

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Robbins

 

I believe in the theory of non-violent resistance. Remember, an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.

 

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Well lookee here – looks like we got ourselves one of those Macuntma Gandhi motherfuckers.

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew Ference

 

Maybe everyone would cool down and relax a little bit if we all took off our shirts…I’ll start. Hey, have you seen my tats yet? Yeah, they’re pretty righteous.

 

 

 

 

Curtis Joseph

 

Have you guys heard? I can now speak dog! Grrrufff! Ruff! Ruff! Gruf Gruf! Grrufff! Gruf! Grruff! (snarls)

 

 

 

 

Luc Robitaille

 

Well, that clinches it. Cujo is now officially off his rocker. Hey Curtis – maybe you should go ahead and sit this one out? Um, good boy!

 

 

 

 

 

Curtis Joseph

 

Grrrrrrrrrr….grrrrrrr….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joe Thornton

 

ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!! COME ON!!! LET’S PLAY SOME HOCKEY!! WOO-HOO!! LET’S GO! ARRGGHHH!!

 

 

 

 

Alan Thicke

 

Now that’s the kind of passion I can get behind, baby. He’s throwing caution to the wind and just doin’ it, baby. Hey Reitman baby, you never answer my calls…what gives?

 

 

 

 

Jason Reitman

 

I must have misplaced your phone number…it’s Alan, right? Yeah, that’s the ticket.

 

 

 

 

  

D.B. Sweeney

 

But…but that’s what you said to me! What gives? Didn’t you see my six-episode arc on Jericho? It’s only my best stuff since Fire in the Sky. (raises hands up in the air) Remember that? Acting! If I could levitate it would complete the picture – hey guys, come over here and lift me up!

 

 

 

 

Jason Reitman

 

No, no – that won’t be necessary. It was brilliant, um, sir. Simply brilliant. I’ll have my people get in touch with your people. Now, can we get back to talking about the game? I can’t wait to play.

 

 

 

 

 

Joe Thornton

 

FUCKIN’ A RIGHT!! YEARGHHH!! HOCKEY!! HOCKEY!! HOCKEY!!! YEAHRGHHOOOOARRRGHS!!

 

 

 

 

 

Doug Gilmour

 

Alright. Alright. Everyone just settle down a little bit. Remember, this is about the children. Hey, has anyone seen Regehr around?

 

 

 

 

 

Jason Spezza

 

Ya mean Dumbo?  Don’t worry. If he’s within 10 miles of the arena, he’s already heard that you are looking for him.

 

 

 

Robyn Regehr

 

(running into locker room) I really wish people would stop making fun of my ears.

 

 

 

 

 

Jason Spezza

 

See? Told you so.

 

 

 

 

Robyn Regehr

 

It’s not funny. Now cut it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Your ears are almost as big as my nuts, ya freak of nature.

 

 

 

   

 

Luc Robitaille

 

That’s enough out of you, Mr. Avery. C’mon, we are here for a very important event! Let’s focus!

 

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Why should I give a flying fuck whether some kid in South Bumblefuck Africa with flies buzzing around his face gets to play a game of fucking basketball? Fuck ’em. Not my problemo, ya dig?

 

 

 

 

Matt Stajan

 

Hey, eh. That’s just uncalled for. This is aboot some very disadvantaged children who have had no chance in life. Have a heart, will ya, for Pete’s sake?

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

If they ain’t reading Vogue, buying one of my jerseys or are a young starlet that’s all wet and ready to do some power-fucking, I could give a rip. Sorry, that’s just how I roll.

 

 

 

 

Tim Robbins

 

I would like to take a moment and defend my young friend here. We have become so disillusioned by the corporate greed, corrupt leaders and the governments that they run to satisfy their own needs to feed their own power-warped minds that most people believe they are powerless to change the world. I felt the same way myself until I met my stepmom…er, girlfriend, Susan Sarandon.

 

 

Jason Spezza

 

Total MILF man. Sweet tittays. I’d hit it.

 

 

 

 

Mike Cammalleri

 

Now that’s-a two-a spicy a-meatballs! Bellissima! Que bella!

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew Ference

 

Maybe so, but how does she look with her shirt off? Not as good as me, that’s for sure!

 

 

 

 

Cameron Bancroft

 

Hey! Why isn’t anyone talking to me? I was on Beverly Hills 90210 for a couple of seasons, you know.

 

 

 

 

Sean Avery

 

Homo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matt Stajan

 

Hoser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robyn Regehr

 

Sweet! Someone else is getting made fun of! This is awesome!

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew Ference

 

Why isn’t anyone taking their shirts off? (puts on Right Said Fred – begins to strut)

 

 

 

 

 

Luc Robitaille

 

God dammit. When will I ever learn? And for Christ’s sake, Cujo, stop sniffing Avery’s ass!

 

 

 

 

 

Curtis Joseph

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike Cammalleri

 

Mama mia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason Spezza

 

Hoo-boy, that’s gay.

 

 

 

 

Tim Robbins

 

Completely reprehensible behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doug Gilmour

 

Alright, guys! Let’s hit the ice. And most of all, let’s have some fun out there!

 

 

 

 

 

Joe Thornton

 

YAAAAEEEERRRRRRGGHHH!!!  LET’S DO THIS!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luc Robitaille

 

(Sighs) Fuck me running.

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7 Comments

  1. There is no way Sean Avery doesn’t talk exactly like that.

  2. A slow clap is in order.

    Well done, sir.

  3. You’ve got Spetz down to a T.

  4. Good stuff, but I have re-written Stajan’s Dialougue to make it more accurate with regards to how he speaks:

    Hey, eh. That’s uhhhhhhh just ummmmmmm uncalled for. This is uhhhhhh aboot some uhhhhh very disadvantaged ummmmmm children who haveuhhhh had no chance in ummmmmm life. Have a uhhhhhhh heart, will ya,ummmmmm for Pete’s sake?

    /fixed

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