5 Ways We’d Steal PD’s Bit

  1. Over the course of August, the Internets’ most prominent hockey blogger, Greg Wyshynysykyi, ran a series of posts where he asked various people in the community de puck what five ways they would improve the sport.  Three things happened:
  2. 1. We pissed off Ted Leonsis something fierce.
  3. 2. We beat the topics of contraction, division naming, and shootouts to the point of exhaustion.
  4. 3. We were appeased by free photos of Ice Girls.

Oh, yeah, one other thing happened.  Wyshynynysykyi took one of the best ideas of August before anyone of us other jokers could use it.  So instead, we spend the month scouring the wires for other ideas, which meant we gave Stu Barnes more attention in one afternoon than he got in his whole 47-year career.  Copycats of the idea ensued, and we, lacking creativity and shame, are ready to jump the boards and take our shift.

To our readers who stuck with us in fucking August – we thank you.  September’s around the corner, and for those of you ready to join us after a three-day weekend bender, will find that things will perk up around here in the coming month.  But we close August with MYFO’s 5 Ways We’d Change the NHL.

  • You see, when there are five of us, we each only have to put 20% effort in.
  • Regarding the picture above, Weed has extremely feminine hands.
  • Wait a minute.  WHY ARE THERE SIX HANDS?  This blog is haunted.

1. RASK — Invest in Futurama technology to allow the heads of Pat Foley and Rick Jeanerette to broadcast games for the rest of eternity.

Are there any other announcers who are synonymous with each’s respective teams?  The Blackhawks’ decision to let him go in 2006, after 26 seasons as the team’s head broadcaster, was the worst free agent move in the past ten years (Yes, that includes signing Theo Fleury’s scarred liver).  He’s back and sounds as if he’s missed the place.  Alexander Karpovtsev is the only person against this move.

Jeanneret started his NHL career as the Sabres radio play-by-play man in 1971, then moved to the television booth in 1995 after Ted Darling’s health declined.  Some people may be put off by Jeanneret’s voice when he becomes excited, but most hockey fans appreciate his intensity and craft for gaining viewers’ attentions.  If he lives forever, every hockey player in the history of time will have a great nickname.  RJ Umberger hates this idea.

If Professor Farnsworth becomes too involved in sending chalky candies to Omicron Persei 8 to work on this technology, then NBC should add Foley and Jeanneret to their national coverage team.

2. RD — Slim down the goalie pads. Every time I look at a damned goalie these days, he looks big enough to be a sumo wrestler in net. Of course, Ray Emery looks that way off the ice, but that’s not the point. When goalies have leg pads the size of a movie theater screen, it detracts from the skill a goalie must have and cuts down on the action, since it’s harder to get a shot in than it is for anyone not a Jonas Brother to fuck Miley Cyrus in the ass.

3. HEX — My simple solution will 1) increase scoring, 2) improve skating, 3) increase checking, 4) reduce diving, and 5) minimize pucks to the groin.  My God – why hasn’t anyone else thought of this?

My proposed new rule: Any player who falls to the ice during the course of play must remain down on the ice until the next stoppage in play.

I call it the Freeze Tag Rule.  If you’re on the ice – it’s probably because you did something wrong.  You either got your ass handed to you in a check, fell because you can’t skate, or dove because you’re Sidney Crosby.  With this new rule, your team will be punished for your poor choice of action or inaction.  The other team goes on a mini power play, gets off a shot, and enjoys a brief advantage for the 40 seconds before your goalie can desperately cover the puck.  Just imagine if multiple people are knocked down.  WIDE OPEN HOCKEY.

This will emphasize good, hard checking, as a grind liner now can have as big an impact knocking down the other team’s blueliners as a scoring winger.  Plus, in opposing arenas, failed skaters have to sit there and get openly mocked by the fans while the play continues to the other end of the ice. 

In addition, arenas will strive to create better ice surfaces so as to not bout their boys at a disadvantage.  And finally, male fans everywhere will not have to wince while the Patrick Thoreson’s of the world put off procreation by going down and taking a laser to the groin.  Everybody wins!

4. LENOC —  One radical idea: non-standard rink designs. Baseball has created an endlessly entertaining game called “guess the ground rules” with hills constructed in center field, outfield walls that randomly jut out at odd angles, and ball-swallowing ivy. How much more fun would it be if, say, the Sharks had a jagged “jaw” at one end of the rink to gobble up pucks? Or the Panthers had some kudzu dangling from the safety netting? All of those identical ovals are boring.

5. WEED — What I would suggest should be done to improve the NHL is certainly not original: fire Gary Bettman. However, what is unique is what I believe the NHL should replace him with:   

The NHL could simply alternate between summoning the spirits of former NHL Presidents Frank Calder, Red Dutton, Clarence Campbell and John Ziegler and see what their thoughts are on particular issues.  

What? John Ziegler is still alive, you say? Huh. Well, he ended up resigning in 1992 to end a player strike. Fuck him.  

Alternatively, the NHL could always make final decisions that are ultimately left up to the Commissioner by playing Cootie Catcher with former League President Gil Stein. He seems like an alright guy and he can’t be any worse than Bettman, right?   No shit? He served as League President for only one year and actually tried to manipulate his way into the Hall of Fame? Alright, just to be clear, the last two leaders of the National Hockey League before Bettman were summarily disgraced, humiliated and forced out of office? Wow. The NHL really knows how to pick its leaders.   Hey, does anyone know how to read Tarot Cards?

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9 Comments

  1. Oh sure, perhaps my hands do appear extremely feminine – but that is only due to the fact that I had to have extensive plastic surgery after my hands sustained devastating burns by repeatedly reaching into a burning bus to rescue quadriplegic orphans who were on their way to a Wiggles concert.

  2. more suggestions:
    * losing captain gets pied in the face
    *after a debilitaing hit (like needs a strecher), the hitter must write an esay about what they did, why it was wrong, and how sorry they are (if applicable)

  3. after a debilitaing hit (like needs a strecher), the hitter must write an esay

    But first he must know how to spell “essay.”

  4. Amen, Gentlemen.

  5. …”harder to get a shot in than it is for anyone not a Jonas Brother to fuck Miley Cyrus in the ass…”

    You, sirrah, are a poet.

  6. Yessss best ideas. And I think I want to marry Rask.

  7. nah Dubs, he’d just have to learn how to type and to proofread stuff before hitting Submit. Learn to type, Loser.

  8. #3 might be the best idea I’ve ever heard.

    My God – why hasn’t anyone else thought of this?

    I don’t know, because now that I’ve read your explanation, it seems incredibly obvious. They should start testing this in the AHL right away.

  9. And we get Harry Neale too.


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