Season Preview: Phoenix Coyotes

Thank your own personal deity, hockey season is right around the corner (personally, I attend the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). I have eschewed previewing my beloved Blues, for the simple reason that I can’t find anything funny to say about them anymore. Losing Doug Weight again was harder on me than I thought it would be.

The Coyotes. The Dogs of the Desert. The Grinders from Glendale. The Team Formerly Known as the Jets (Little known fact: Mikkel Boedker has “Slave” tattooed on his left ass cheek). Why are the Coyotes first, you ask? Because they were the first one done. In this post, to help you understand what the 2008-09 NHL season has in store for the Coyotes, I will tell you absolutely everything I know about the current state of the franchise.

1) My wife is from Arizona. It’s true!

2) I have personally been to Arizona on several occasions. See No. 1 for explanation. I even went to a Coyotes game, once. Pretty sure they lost. It was at the old America West Arena. If you’ve never seen a hockey rink shoehorned into a basketball arena, it was a fine place to watch a game. Now they play at some place called the Arena. You know, when you’re selling naming rights to a building, sometimes the highest bid isn’t the one you should take.

3) I own a Phoenix Coyotes golf shirt. A gift from my brother-in-law. May also have had a T-shirt at some point, but probably used it as a rag to clean up some nasty goo. You’d be surprised how many T-shirts I’ve lost that way. Or maybe you wouldn’t.

4) Daniel Carcillo is a bad little man. I would say it’s a virtual certainty that Danny will be a Goon of the Week at least once this season. The following clip, in which he rapidly annihilates Darcy Tucker, earns him major points, and the fact that he will have Todd Fedoruk to run around with will make Coyotes games entertainingly bloody, at least.

5) Is Ilya Bryzyzyzygalov for real? OK, technically that’s a question and not a statement of knowledge on my part. Got me! But Ilya went 28-25-6 for a team that went 38-37-7, with a 2.44 GAA and .920 SV%. I think it’s fair to say that with a little more offense, the Coyotes could conceivably have made the playoffs.

6) His name sounds like an Indigo Girls song. Yes, I’ve seen Rask’s professed fandom of the Goo Goo Dolls and raised him with the darlings of Lilith Fair. But adding Olli Jokinen to the Peter Mueller-Shane Doan line may actually give the Coyotes their most dynamic offensive trio since Roenick-Tkachuk-Tocchet. Even if Doan is now 58 years old. Enjoy some of Amy and Emily, won’t you?

7) Who are these guys on D? OK, Ed Jovanovski I recognize. Keith Yandle? Kurt Sauer? Matt Jones? I’m pretty sure I went to high school with at least two of those guys. I’m not naming names, but one of them used to jerk off to National Geographic in the library. This was very pre-Carl Monday, and pre-Internet porn, you understand. Publicly jackin’ it was punishable only by the ridicule of one’s peers.

8) Darren Pang is their TV analyst. Holy jumpin! is a goofy expression, even for a goaltender.

Prediction Time: The Coyotes finished with 83 points in 2007-08, leaving them 12th in the West and 8 points out of the playoffs. Jokkinen will probably win a couple games for them. I checked with one source familiar with the team, who shall remain nameless (coughhe’saformerassistantcoachcough), who said he would give me an over/under line of 86 1/2 points.  I’ll take $200 on the under, Rick.



  1. Hmmm…Things I know about the Coyotes:
    1. They play in AZ
    2. Their logo looks like a cat choking on a hairball
    3. Wayne Gretzky is somehow involved
    4. They suck

  2. FSM represent!

    Thinga I know about Arizona;
    There should never be a hockey team there.

  3. W/o a replay of the HBO series “Oz”, how exactly did you discover the tattoo factoid?

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