Season Preview: Buffalo Sabres

I hear this is what Ryan Miller uses

I hear this is what Ryan Miller uses

Another excruciatingly long summer is (almost) over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Your preview of the Sabres is brought to you by danielleia of Sabre Kallisions.

Mmm. Dani in the MYFO house. I don’t think these guys understand what they got themselves into. Clearly they’re closing up shop and wanted to decrease traffic. Anyway where was I? Oh, right, SABRES HOCKEY. They’re so shiny. Come sit on my lap as we embrace new cultural awesomeness by giving you a month-by-month Sabres season spoiler.

September: Ecstatic, drunken fans will relapse from hockey withdrawals and gather from all corners of the world as the pre-season kicks off with the unveiling of our newest and hottest third jersey – which will not contain any signs of slug [Note: If state of regional emergency occurs, fans will protest but continue to buy merchandise at unhealthy rates.]. Oh, and the long awaited Jason Peters Pominville contract will finally be signed for the next… forever.

October: Even more ecstatic fans gather for the first game of the season. Die-hard Sabre fans old enough to remember The Aud bid away hundreds of dollars of their children’s college tuition money on crusty, asbestos ridden seats circa the 1800’s. It’s cool. They’ll totally understand.

November: Darcy Regier confesses Rick Jeanerette is actually a robot controlled by the Sabre’s motherboard and has signed a lifetime contract with Buffalo making him the first non-human NHL employee. Because we are accepting fans, we rejoice. Also, Paul Gaustad is selected as Captain of the Month.

December: Tim Connolly’s long plagued hangnail tragically flares up and puts an end to his career. While recovering from extensive surgery, he is spotted putting the moves on Cindy the nail technician from Ohio. He settles down and has five children. Months later he’s found passed out drunk with two women on the second floor of the Holiday Inn Express.

January: Only nights before the Winter Classic (part deux), Brian Campbell drunkenly sings at a local bar about how they’re all “gonna freeze their asses off at the effing stupid ice bowl” (part duh) and warns the crowd of the dangers of excessive sweat. Present Sabre fans hiss at Campbell on game day as he spin-o-ramas off the ice crying, “I TOLD THEM NOT TO BOO!”

February: Ryan Miller spirals out of control celebrating a road win against the Maple Leafs by eating McDonald’s. Patrick Lalime starts in his first game after Millsie gets a nasty case of food poisoning. Damn you, Toronto. Andrew Peters scores his annual goal.

March-June: Max Afinogenov is not traded (He retires with a bang as a Sabre of course!). Buffalo makes the playoffs only proving that no one listens to local sports columnist antagonist (“Dbag” would also work here) Bucky Gleason, and his opinion matters only in a world where florescent green hippos eat plastic balls. Thomas Vanek scores more goals than OVIE TIME (!) following the All-Star break.

Yeah, I said it.

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10 Comments

  1. Nicely played, dani. Nicely done, especially the Hungry Hungry Hippos bit.

  2. Has Pommers been locked up yet?
    Errr yeah you know what I mean….

  3. Kudos. Not sure why, but “Andrew Peters scores his annual goal” made me literally laugh out loud.

  4. damn Wrap, I read that as “Has Pommers been KNOCKED up yet?” Damn.

  5. Dani, THAT was fucking spectacular!

    As for the Buffaslugs this year? Um…yeah. Sorry about all the sucking.

  6. awesome Dani!

  7. Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!! And NO POMMERS YET!

    I totally have that spray by the way. It keeps the Sean Avery’s in Texas.

  8. […] You might want to read Melt Your Face Off. They have a guest blogger… she’s kinda […]

  9. Haha great read Dani! Loved the Rick Jeanneret part. :)

    Le’ts GO BUFFALO!

  10. God I needed that. Well good fine madam. All I need now is a year long smack down of those shitty teams from Canuckistan in our division and I’ll be all set.


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