Season Preview: St. Louis Blues

Eero Saarinen modeled the Gateway Arch after his facial expression while watching the Blues play last year.

Important Information

1. The addition of Chris Mason to the goaltending corps will provide a solid veteran presence between the pipes not seen since Manny Legace in 2007-2008. Mason’s signing means goodbye to the Finnish Flop Hannu Toivonen. That isn’t a goalie’s name; it’s a Professor Frink exclamation.

2. Play-by-play man John Kelly provided commentary during last season’s playoffs for the Avalanche when Altitude broadcaster Michael Haynes had a brain aneurysm in April. Kelly then developed a severe case of gastroenteritis while watching José Théodore protect Colorado’s net against the Red Wings.

3. Unlike that greedy bastard LeNoceur, I bought a Blues T-Shirt for my aunt to celebrate her birthday. Then, I downed a six-pack of Schlafly’s Pale Ale and a couple glasses of Norton at the party. I’m so giving.

4. Hockey’s Future ranks the Blues’ prospects as the best in the NHL. Too bad the Blues aren’t playing for the Calder Cup.

5. Andy McDonald is the lovechild of Kenny Albert and Steve Levy.

6. In order to reduce crime, the St. Louis Police Department has hired Cam Janssen to fight every thug on Delmar Avenue east of Skinker Boulevard.

Possible MYFO Posts During the Season

1. TJ Oshie’s long tongue.

2. Roman Polak’s nationality: Czech. However, if you cut off one of his arms, place him in a tree and wave at him, he will fall.

3. Andy Murray’s inability to capture Castle Grayskull.

4. Yan Stastny’s inferiority complex due to his younger brother’s success.

5. Keith Tkachuk’s moobs. If Sarah Palin uses him as a babysitter, she won’t have to provide Keith with breastmilk.

Prediction: Once again, the Blues will fail to score goals. The defensemen are solid with Erik Johnson and Jay Mckee, but where’s the offense besides Brad Boyes? David Perron and Oshie, a pre-season candidate for the Calder Trophy, will add some firepower, but most of this team’s talent is still in the minors. Can Lee Stempniak bounce back from a bad year, or is this just a further slide into oblivion? Paul Kariya’s scored fewer than 0.8 points per game last year, the lowest of his career. The Blues will be fighting the Kings for the John Tavares Sweepstakes.

Song Exemplifying the Blues 2008-2009 Season: Duh.

Having sex with your dead playoff streak? HAWT.

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5 Comments

  1. Now I am doubly glad I didn’t write this. It would have featured much more whining and much less funny.

  2. I had a bad case of Stempniak once. Some Gold Bond Medicated ointment did the trick though.

  3. You make emo arch cry

  4. Only a St. Louis resident would know where to find the criminals on Delmar. How the hell did the city allow this Blackhawks bastard into the city limits? I hope he’s here for something worthwhile and not something shitty, like studying philosophy or something.

  5. Only a St. Louis resident would know where to find the criminals on Delmar.

    The people east of Skinker are nothing compared to the fucksticks at the University City Church of Scientology. Who do you think Cam Janssen is, Al Macinnis’ slapshot?


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