In Other News: Rich Guy Burns Money For Fun

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Amidst all of the Philadelphia Eagles are the Second Coming of..(well, whatever pick-up team Jesus picked at recess and used to smite the 4th grade) was the news that Eric Lindros has declined an invitation to join all of the Flyers’ other captains in a historic pre-season game to be held at the soon- to-be-demolished Spectrum.  Yes, this was Big E’s big chance to stand in front of his former fans and hope for his 2005 Buckner moment, when all is forgiven.  Way to stiff a fanbase, 88.  It’s pretty unlikely that’ll ever happen now-

WHOA WHOA WHOA HERE COMES SCOTT STEVENS WATCHOUT!!!

Just kidding.

You know who else has got to be pissed?  How about every teammate who donned the orange and black alongside him during his captaincy years (1994-2000)?  Clearly, one of the perks of being the captain was that someday they might knock down the arena your team once won the Cup in, and it’s possible they’d invite the captains to stand at center ice one last time as a tribute to the team’s legacy.  I can come up with a half-dozen deserving guys that would have gladly been captain because they wouldn’t turn down a fucking invitation to be remembered greatly.

So while you mourn a memorial service for someone who died weeks ago, we’ll all be after the jump offering invitations to your old teammates, one for each year you wore that C.

Welcome your 1994 Captain, CRAIG MACTAVISH!

Why Give Him the C: Captains need to be well-known, and studies show that a lack of helmet makes players more recognizable.  Proof?  Try picking Dmitri Yuskevitch out of a crowd.

Why He’ll Be There: Well, it’s either this or be back at Oilers training camp trying to figure out if Kevin Lowe is actually picking up the phone to sign free agents, or just yelling loudly in his office hoping that the free agents will overhear him.

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Welcome your 1995 Capitain, ROD BRIND’AMOUR!

Why Give Him the C:  Judging from appearance, he’d stand in front of a Mack Truck for his team.  Or maybe he already has.

Why He’ll Be There: They’re, um, playing the Hurricanes on the night in question. 

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Welcome your 1996 Captain, JOHN LECLAIR!

Why Give Him the C: First off, it’s to remind the Montreal Canadiens of their worst trade in franchise history (Desjardins, LeClair, Dionne for Recchi).  Secondly, to remind us he was the first American to record 3 straight 50-goal seasons.  In addition, he can bring all attending fans some delicious maple syrup from Vermont.  Fuck a foam finger – I want some waffle topping.

Why He’ll Be There: Open bar in the owners’ box.

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Welcome your 1997 Captain, PAT FALLOON!

Why Give Him the C: Because he was the second overall pick in the 1991 NHL Entry Draft, right after Lindros, and ahead of guys named Niedermayer, Forsberg, Kovalev, Naslund, and Rolston.  I don’t remember him well, but I’m sure he had to have the all-star caliber skills to be a captain.  Right?  Anyone?  No?  Damn.

Why He’ll Be There: To find out once and for all if the people were saying Boo or Fallooooooon.

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Welcome your 1998 Captain, JOEL OTTO!

Why Give Him the C: Because checking line forwards with limited scoring ability are always worthy of being the team leader.  Just ask the present-day Washington Capitals.

Why He’ll Be There: Because the Zamboni challenged him to a race, and Derian Hatcher likes his odds.

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Welcome your 1999 Captain, MIKAEL RENBERG!

Why Give Him the C: During the 1999 season, the Flyers and Lightning traded so many players they might as well joined forces.  The Flyers, in essence traded Colin Forbes, Petr Svoboda, Chris Gratton, Alexandre Daigle, and Mike Sillinger for Renberg, Mikael Andersson (you can never have too many Mikaels), Karl Dykhuis, Daymond Langkow, and Sandy McCarthy.  Having also been in Philly before, Renberg gets to be captain on the account he’s the only one who knows everybody’s name.

Why He’ll Be There: To introduce his new Legion of Broom cleaning products.

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Welcome your 2000 Captain, MARK RECCHI!

Why Give Him the C: To honor a player who has worked incredibly hard his entire career and to look back at his leadership abilities that he now takes into retirement.

Why He’ll Be There: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S STILL PLAYING HOCKEY?

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3 Comments

  1. “I’ll be at a funeral that day” is an iron-clad excuse that comes in handy on many occasions.
    “Sorry I never called you back, babe. I was at a funeral.”

    “Gee, honey, I can’t have dinner with your sister and her skeezy boyfriend. There’s this memorial service. No, no, you go and have fun.”

    Also, I think I would buy Legion of Broom cleaning products.

  2. As a teacher (okay, a TA), I’m always astounded how my students’ relatives drop like flies whenever there’s an exam. Incredible.

  3. WOOOO! JOHN LECLAIR!

    /Vermontas do what we wanta


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