MYFO Open Letter Series: The One Where Weed Against Speed Goes America All Over the Wild’s Ass

As you may or may not have heard, the Wild and dickmuncher agent Ron Salcer are currently locked in a battle over the Wild’s attempts to sign Marian Gaborik to a long-term contract. Gabby will be an unrestricted free agent after this season so it is imperative that the Wild either sign him before the start of the season or be forced to deal with the day-to-day distractions that the “will they or won’t they trade him” situations always undoubtedly cause (I’m looking at you, Mats Sundin, you assclown).

Alternatively, the Wild could ship Gaborik’s goldbricking ass to some other team before the start of the season. I’m not saying it’s the best option, but it may come to that.

What it all boils down to is this: GET THE FUCKING THING DONE ALREADY!

To lay everything out, there are three major players in this drama: the player (Gaborik), the agent (Salcer) and management (Risebrough). Of course, you could include additional factors (i.e. the coach, other contracts currently being offered to players, etc.), but more or less what happens from this point will be determined by these three people. Let’s knock these arrogant bastards down a peg or two.

THE PLAYER: Marian Gaborik

Hey Groiny McDickbag, listen up because I’m only going to tell you this once: you are getting offered upwards of $8.5 million per year. That’s a lot of fucking ching, dude – especially for a guy who has been injury prone his entire career. And it is being reported that you are unsure of the direction the team is going in – here’s the deal, Gabby – you shit the bed in last season’s playoff series against the Avalanche (0 Goals, 1 Assist, 25 SOG in six games) – perhaps as team leader and most dangerous offensive threat you might want to put some pucks in the back of the net during crunch time and lead your team on an extended playoff run before you even try to insinuate that $8.5 million per is somehow not fair. Evgeni Malkin makes $8.7 million and at least he waited until the Stanley Cup Finals to become a non-factor. (zing!)

Oh, and you believe that playing in Jacques Lemaire’s system is dragging you down, huh? It seems to me that you are putting up pretty good numbers in spite of it. Maybe you could score five to ten extra goals in a place like Long Island, but is it worth it? Are you that arrogant?

THE AGENT: Ron Salcer

I think the above photo speaks for itself, but here’s a quote:

Salcer said it “doesn’t only come down to dollars and cents. It’s, ‘Do you want to become an unrestricted free agent and see what else is out there, or are you willing to stay because you believe in the future where you are?'”

Sure, that quote is totally believable. It’s never about the money for an agent. Fucktard.

THE MANAGEMENT: Doug Risebrough

Okay, Dougie. Your turn. You have had a nice little run overseeing the Wild. Nothing too flashy. Not too many lows, but not too many highs, either. I know I’m not the first one to mention this, but the honeymoon period is fast-approaching its end stages. Wild fans have been putting asses in the seats and money in the organization’s pockets since they blew into town, but even we kind-hearted Minnesotans can grow impatient with incompetence and the “we’re building a winner” mentality (just ask Brad Childress, that fucking fuck of a fuck). For Christ’s sake, Doug, the Wild were in the thick of it last season and the best you could do was Chris Fucking Simon?

Well, here is your chance, Doug. Sign Gaborik, continue to let the young guys (Burns, Koivu, etc.) develop and for crying out loud, try to land someone at the trading deadline since you pretty much did jack shit during the offseason.

Or trade Gaborik and start from scratch. It’s up to you.

In summary:

Whew. I feel much better now. Thanks.




  2. Hmmm, while I could care less what the Wild do as a Philly guy, I appreciate the “blog-as-anger-management technique.

    And speaking of Philly, your first pic with the citizen exercising his constitutional right to look like clown shoes with a bandanna on his nap, appears to be standing in Love Park with Philly’s City Hall as the backdrop.

    Certainly Minneapolis does not have a climate that supports being out of doors in only a denim jacket (no matter how stylish).

    That is all.

  3. mcscott, while I do appreciate your support of my blogging techniques despite the fact that you read things you could care less about, there are a few things I would like to point out.

    First, the pic is from the television show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia so your observation is spot-on.

    Secondly, if you would refer to a map, Minneapolis is only approximately 200 miles North of Philadelphia latitudinally so the weather patterns are not incredibly different.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, the igloo isn’t going to build itself, there is whale blubber to harvest and I think a polar bear might be attacking my sled dogs.

    Thank you for your continued support of MYFO. That is all.

  4. Dear Notorious W.A.S,

    I’ve come to enjoy the poetical musings found here at MYFO Incorporated.

    I am not as cartographically challenged as you imply. I know for instance, Minn is “pretty freaking far” from the ocean. I also know that outside of Orlando, whales live in oceans.

    I have had the misfor,er, opportunity of visiting the Twin Cities previously. As it was mid-January, it was “pretty freaking cold”. I have been sentenc…,er, asked to visit that lovely area again next month. I look forward to being surprised.

    That is all.

  5. Alright, you got me. I wasn’t going outside to harvest whale blubber. I thought I could sneak that one by you.

    However, the igloo and sled dogs – so very real.

    I hope your stay in our fine state is a good one. We usually don’t get visitors up this way very often other than roaming bands of Scandinavian marauders and the occasional moose. In any event, keep on keepin’ on.

  6. But I can still have a wide stance in the airport bathroom, right?

  7. I heard that there are eskimos in Minny and the snow is eight feet deep in July.

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