Season Preview: Los Angeles Kings

The Kings...so bad it's not even funny

The Kings...so bad it's not even funny

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/ enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Your L.A. Kings Season Preview is brought to you by k.m. stiles of Purple Crushed Velvet. Additional color (photographic) commentary, courtesy of LeNoc.

Say what you want about the Kings, but there’s no way they’ll be worse than last year.

Ten Reasons Why the Kings Will Finish Better than 29th Place:
1. Even though Cloutier tried his damnedest to remain with the Kings organization and secure a spot on the ECHL team, Dean Lombardi still slammed the door in his tear-ridden face all the while cursing at himself for letting Crawford bribe him into signing Cloutier in the first place.

2. Speaking of Crow, the pink slip may have been delivered 6 months later than it should have, but Crow and his multimillion dollar lawsuit fiasco are finally gone, leaving the Kings one less thing to worry about.

3. The Kings may have a new coach and plenty of new faces but the young stars on this team will undoubtedly make it work, if only to do it for Doughty.   It still seems odd that a Canadian boy grew up wanting to ‘Play for LA’; too bad he wasn’t on the team last year, he could have been a walking advertisement.

4. Ladislav Nagy, Jeff Giuliano, and Kevin Dallman are not only no longer with the Kings, but all three decided to spend the ’08-’09 season slummin’ it in Russia.  Hahahha, take that Russia!  While the NHL takes players like Filatov, Voinov, and Loktionov, you have to take the broken ex-girlfriends who, after stalking you for weeks, finally got the hint that they’re useless and need to settle for the lesser being.

5.  Jack Johnson was a workout beast this summer and beefed up his 6′-1″ frame to 225lbs.  The testosterone high caused him to briefly consider legally changing his name to “JMFJ” but soon after he realized that he hasn’t gone lost his mind.

Not that Jack Johnson

Not that Jack Johnson

Oops! Not that one either

Oops! Not that one either

6. Dean Lombardi wants to win so freakin’ badly that he’s working 20-hour days fueled on 3 cases of Red Bull per day; he’s about 10 cases away from shitting straight caffeine.  He is so incredibly passionate about building this franchise the right way that he is adamant about not rushing things even if it means being in 28th place this coming season.  If this team actually places 30th next season I think he’s going to blow an artery and his death will lie in the hands of the players on the ice.  So, c’mon guys, keep Deano alive.

7.  Brian Willsie signed with Colorado.  I’m still trying to figure that one out but here’s a piece of advice for Avalanche fans: get your shotgun ready because you’re gonna want to use it when you see Willsie playing.

8. Mrs. Rachel Hunter signed for 4 years and everyone knows little boys like to impress the older ladies.

Can she skate?

Can she skate?

9. Kopitar’s confidence has quadrupled this off season after finding out that hockey fans outside of LA actually know about him.  He got a good laugh at the stupidity of the rumors that had him leaving LA in a completely lopsided trade but it still left him warm and fuzzy knowing that people really like him.

10. While the deal has yet to be finalized, it’s about 99.99% certain that Patrick O’Sullivan will be back with the Kings.  It’s likely he’ll sign a multi-million dollar per year contract thus enabling him to finally order those exclusive, limited edition Lil John grillz that he’s had his eye on for several years.  Hopefully the King of Crunk can inject some personality into Sully because it’s more fun to poke myself in the eye with a pencil than to listen to and watch him being interviewed.

About these ads

1 Comment

  1. The song “Hope has made me loathe Jack Johnson (the skater) almost as much as Jack Johnson (the Dave Matthews devil spawn). Seriously, it’s almost stabby territory.

    Just thought I’d mention it


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.