Season Preview: Columbus Blue Jackets

After every Columbus goal, the cannon fires Brittanie Cecil’s ashes.

Important Information

1. A team improved by trading for available talent? GET OUT!!!!

2. Manny Malhotra’s name describes what he is: a bad hotra.

3. Jason Chimera is neither a goat, nor a lion, nor a snake. HE’S ALL THREE!  Too bad all hockey players are descendants of Hercules and/or experts at Final Fantasy.

4. Raffi Torres is one of many Mexican immigrants traded by Mike Milbury for 5000 yards of fencing along the Rio Grande.

5. Remember this logo? Blue Jackets is a nickname for Union soldiers. I don’t remember Eddie Izzard’s friends fighting for Lincoln.

Possible MYFO Posts this Year

1. Ken Hitchcock is fat? GET OUT!!!

2. Ole-Kristian Tollefsen’s success in the biathlon.

3. R.J. Umberger only plays the Blackhawks 6 times this year. HOLY MACKEREL!

4. Duvie, duvie, doo.  Yes, I know he’s not on the team anymore, but I needed a video to piss off Reasonable Doubt.

 

Prediction: Fuck it, Columbus is sneaking into the Western Conference Playoffs. Yes, I have been drinking, but that goes without saying for my posts. Huselius, Umberger, and Commodore’s signings, another year under Leclaire’s belt, and Rick Nash equals enough to earn the eighth seed. It’s a good thing that most of Columbus is Christian as they’ll be eaten by the top-seeded lions.

Song Exemplifying the Blue Jackets 2008-2009 Season: “Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory” by …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

A majestic version of the Guided by Voices classic.  Unlike the original track, whose charm is partly based on the crackling hiss of the four-track recording device, the Trail of Dead cover is polished up to give a sense of grandeur that seems slightly out of place.  Similarly, the Blue Jackets’ signings and dealings this  offseason (Huselius, Umberger, Commodore, Fedor Tyutin, Christian Backman) demonstrated attempted improvement over last year’s team, but these deals won’t be enough to win the Stanley Cup.

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5 Comments

  1. I always saw Jason Chimera as more of a vain and idle fancy.

  2. …..god damn it, Rask.

  3. I (and my Uncle Gary), dream of the day when this great sport of ours has taken root in places such as “Columbus” or “Nashville” and that these “cities” will develop their own snarky bloggers to preview the season’s of the local 6. On that glorious day on the hill, we will turn and shout to the heavens, “Take that ESPN!! There are fans in non-traditional hockey markets even though the marketing data doesn’t support a franchise!!!”

    Or something to that effect, we’re working on the message.

    That is all.

  4. There are plenty of Nashville and Columbus bloggers. I just didn’t ask anyone else to write them because I would never slack off at MYFO.*

    *Not counting the first five months of MYFO’s existence or this past summer

  5. It’s an remarkable post for all the internet people; they will obtain benefit from it I am sure.


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