Philadelphia Prepares for the Coming of Yomommaween

Team sources recently revealed that the Flyers’ reserve netminder Antero Niittymaki will be out upwards of six weeks getting a repair on a torn hip labrum.  Excellent timing, Antero.  You spent all summer sitting on your couch in Helsinki playing XBox, and you’ve finally gotten around to healing the one part of you that allows lateral movement when you’re no doubt lying on the ice amidst a chaotic scene in the crease. 

So rather than call up a Phantom to play every seventh game (Marty Biron, you’re going to be busy), the Flyers have further put that cap in danger by signing a real-live NHL goaltender to fill the void.  That’s right, Jean-Sebastien Aubin is coming to town.

Oh, and he’s a heroin addict.

Ok, ok, I may not have actual proof that Aubin is a heroin addict, but hear me out.  As you may remember, last January Aubin appeared in an Amp Energy Drink spot with Sabres’ goalie Ryan Miller.  

Now with any underground, Fight Club basement momma fight that featured an overly-muscled Vietnamese midget as timekeeper, there must be a winner and there must be a loser.  I’m sure the ad guys at Amp didn’t think twice to determine that the American, Miller, would be the victor.  And yet, J-S Aubin agreed to do the spot, knowing well ahead of time that he was going to lose a MOMMA FIGHT.  And you thought playing for the Kings was degrading. 

Why, Jean-Sebastien??  Why?

Easy.  Because he’s a heroin addict.

I’m not going to lie to you.  Heroin is expensive.  I could Google you a chart of the rising price of heroin over the last decade, but I’d prefer to not have the ATF at my door when I get home because of it.  You’re going to have to trust me on this one.  Aubin’s hit a streaky part of his career.  Once the dual-first-named Pittsburgh netminder of choice (Damn you, Fleury!), Aubin never can be completely sure where his next paycheck is going to come from.  And when his most recent employer, the Ducks, decided all he was worth was a 7th-rounder, you have to think life on the streets can’t be far behind.  Nevermind supporting his chirpy Quebecois family.  How is this man going to get his next hit?

Easy.  You take a paycheck playing the patsy in an energy drink commercial.

So don’t be surprised, Philly fans, when Biron gets pulled in favor of Aubin and the PA system plays Under the Bridge.  Now you know why.  And it’s not like Aubin is alone in this struggle.  Need another example of a strung-out puckstopper?

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6 Comments

  1. a) that last comercial is just so wrong in so many ways
    b) damn it, leave helsinki alone when it is not guilty (ok, helsinki is guilty of a lot of crap but not this one)

  2. The Wikipedia page on Opium(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opium) has the street value, but not on the heroin page for some reason

  3. @ loser domi: And if you’re subscriber to Opium Trader Weekly, you can get the latest spot prices from dealers across North America, as well as the going rates for heroin futures contracts on the International Opium Exchange. Act now for special “insider” rates!

  4. @lenoceur: Opium Trader Weekly? Seriously? Their coverage is terrible. I find Opium World Monthly to be a much better read

  5. If he knows what’s good for him, he better not talk any smack in the locker room. If he does, he should expect to receive a lot of needling from his teammates.

  6. We lead the league in Francophonic netminders. Awesome! That’s the first goalie stat we’ve won since Garth Snow dreamed of one day running a franchise into the ground.

    If you’ll excuse me, my crepes are burning.


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