As many of you know, there is a big to-do scheduled for October 9th in Detroit to kick-off the 2008-09 NHL season. It has been dubbed the “NHL Face-Off Rocks 2008” and hoo boy, is it ever going to rule. The reason? The event will be headlined by none other than Def Leppard, “the greatest arena rock band of all-time” (the NHL’s words, not mine). For those readers too young to have experienced the awesomeness that is Def Leppard the first time around, not only did you miss out on glam rock greatness, you also missed the band that penned the most popular strip club song in history perform in their heyday.
There is no doubt that the Puck Daddy himself, Greg Wyshynski, said it best when in response to the news, he pointed out, “Hysteria was released in 1987; if we’re going that far back for talent, Puck Daddy demands Rick Astley.”
Good point, sir. And just so you know, we here at MYFO are never gonna give Puck Daddy up. We also are never gonna let you down, either, for that matter.
But fear not, little ones; the powers-that-be in the NHL have decided to track down the gone-but-not-forgotten British rockers and drag them up on to the stage (using a combination of pulleys, ropes and barbituates) to perform their “arena-inspired hit (?) song, ‘C’mon, c’mon'” at the NHL Face-Off Rocks 2008 gala. Because, you know, nothing captures the excitement and drama of NHL hockey like, um, washed-up British hair metal bands.
“When Sav (bassist Rick Savage) first played me ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ I remember saying to him, ‘I can hear this being played in every hockey arena all over the Untied States and Canada,” said lead singer Joe Elliott. “Once we recorded it, I was even more convinced.”
Yes. I am sure that’s exactly how it went. Only a few minor changes to the story are necessary: replace “Sav” with “A&R Rep” and “Joe Elliot” with “Moronic NHL Corporate Douchenozzle” and insert “forcibly overplayed at decibel levels that will make your ears bleed” for “played” and there you have it.
Possibly the two most shocking revelations regarding Def Leppard playing a concert in conjunction with the NHL season opener is that it will be going on at the same time as the game and that the game between the Red Wings and the Maple Leafs is sold out. That means Detroit will have already eclipsed last season’s number of sellouts of zero. Well done, residents of the greater Detroit area. Well done.
Said Don Renzulli, Senior VP of Events and Entertainment (now that’s a job title you can set your watch to):
“The game is sold out, but this gives us the ability to pull those fans that couldn’t go to the game downtown. We’ll simulcast the game inside the Fox. Those people also will get the benefit of the Def Leppard concert.”
I’m sorry, but to call attending a Def Leppard concert a “benefit” is like calling being diagnosed with cancer a “blessing in disguise” because it’s a good way to lose a few pounds.
Nevertheless, you may be wondering, “Weed, despite all of this, why the crude title to the post?” The answer, dear readers, is nauseatingly simple. The geriatric musicians (and I am using the term “musician” as loosely as Gary Bettman’s diminishing stranglehold on reality) in Def Leppard are so out of touch, so dumb, so…English, one of them opens up their mouth to unleash this drivel:
“Hockey has always been ‘Rock And Roll Part 2’ by Gary Glitter, every hockey game you hear that,” said Phil Collen, who plays guitar for the band. “When we did that song (‘C’Mon, C’Mon’), it was done in the sprit of that song.”
Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo, Phil. Just so you know it’s generally considered a bad idea to invoke the name of a convicted child molester, no matter the circumstances. In writing this song in that spirit, did you then download so much porn onto your personal computer that it would have made Pete Townshend blush?
Personally, Phil, I would have went with “If we would have released ‘C’mon, C’mon’ in the late ‘80’s, I like to think Jeffrey Dahmer would have loved to rock out to this song as he sexually violated corpses of young men he lured to his apartment from Milwaukee-area gay bars only to play it again and again as he dismembered them. It just seems it would have really pumped him up and got the juices flowing.” That may have come across a bit better. Plus, it ingratiates the band to hockey fans who may also be necrophiliac cannibals, so it’s a win-win.
To make matters worse, Lep’s new album is called “Songs From the Sparkle Lounge,” which I’m pretty sure is the name of the “parlor” where Gary Glitter first discovered his insatiable thirst for committing deplorable pedophilic acts. For shame, Def Leppard, for shame.
The one possible bright spot of their performance is I have heard that during the concert, Def Leppard will be playing their 1981 classic, “Bringin’ On The Heartbreak” and dedicating the performance to Toronto Maple Leafs fans everywhere. That’s awfully nice.
You know, perhaps I’m going a little over the top here – which would be the first, maybe second occasion of it occurring on MYFO. But seriously, NHL, what gives? First you hold your annual awards ceremony but neglect to properly publicize it, now this?
C’mon, NHL. C’mon.
By the way, if the NHL was trying to go for the whole English Metal angle, I would have definitely gone with Iron Maiden.
Now, that would have been a concert that would have literally rocked your face off. Who among us wouldn’t have been willing to give their left arm to see that show?
Oops. There may have been a better way to illustrate my point. Apologies.
I’m so embarrassed right now I think I should pop a few Valium, have a drink or two and and just think about what I just did.
Jesus. You have got to be kidding me.
(Backs away slowly)