Season Preview: Vancouver Canucks

 Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today, previewing the Vancouver Canucks, one of the Alpha Soldiers in the MYFO Army, the one and only Wrap Around Curl.

I know what you are thinking “what the hell is Wrap doing writing about the Canucks? I mean, didn’t she proclaim that the Canucks were no longer hers and she was shopping around for a new team? Was it all just a publicity stunt?”

No kittens. I just am a masochist I suppose. It’s the only explanation I have for why I will sit through hours of America’s Next Top Model in my pajamas eating a box of Wheat Thins.

The thing about talking about the ‘Couv, is it turns me into the angry German kid and you should see me when I lose a game of air hockey.  I think they have what is needed to make it work, but they seem to phone it in and fall apart at the last second. There is a lot of potential to be somewhat better than decent and it just goes no where.

Hope You Had A Kick-Ass Summer! So what have the Canucks been up to on summer vacation? Well, Markus Naslund said “peace out, ciabatta” and is now kicking it Rangers-style. Trevor Linden, the quintessential Canuck, retired. Curtis Sanford held a contest to see who can come up with the best design for his doorman’s helmet, I mean goalie mask. I’d write an Ahab joke but I am just too lazy to be English Lit witty. Oh, there was that whole Dave Nonis being fired and Mike Gillis was named GM thing. Oh the dramz!

Gunga Luongo:The Canucks have Roberto Luongo minding the pipes which is a very good thing. He is brilliant netminder and I really am a sucker for goalies. However, you cannot expect the success of a team to rely on the goalie alone. Ideally, Sanford would suck less which allows Luo to have a break every here and again. Such as, I dunno, when his wife is totally preggers and expelling a baby from her lady parts.

Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! Hey, the Canucks still have the Wonder Twins! The Sedins continue to show up and score goals. Sometimes I am surprised Mama Staal hasn’t cranked out a two or three-fer package to net something pretty and shiny. The Sedins apparently want to continue to stick with Vancouver on the conditions they are paid better (yeah, I’d allow that) and for a long term contract (PS, Luongo’s out of there soon). Mattias Ohlund is maintaining what I believe is the Standard Swedish Quota (SSQ) required of all NHL teams since the installation of Despot Bettman. My pretty pretty Alexandre Burrows has been on the upswing and found a hetero life partner in Ryan Kesler. In fact, Burr and Kes are registered at Target. They really want the Issac Mizrahi dishes and matching DS Lites so they can battle Mario Kart.  

People Are Strange, When You’re A Stranger: Oh, the newbie Canucks. Filling out the bench is Pavol Demitra who specializes in getting shit done. Steve Bernier was swiped from Buffalo some draft picks, some Doritos and half a Peach Tea Snapple. Left winger Darcy Hordichuk was picked up and might make a run for my new Canuck crush object. Let me tell you, if a homeboy is going to make me think twice on Burrows well he is doing something right. Hordi trains with an ultimate fighter. Just look at him pound one of my other boyfriends. Hordi also played in Florida with Luongo and so did recent addition Ryan Johnson. So, the Canucks are trying to get the band back together or something? Oh, and Kyle Wellwood. Where do I begin with this one. I mean, how much fail is this guy full of to break his foot playing indoor soccer? Jared of London once said this of the center, “Welcome to the world of Kyle Wellwood, all the talent in the universe, held back by a love of deep fried Mars bars.” Also, Wellwood is already in danger from being cut. His physical isn’t up to par. I am not surprised. The last time he got injured, his dad sold him out to the press and admitted Kyle never trains and pretty much sits around playing Xbox.

You Can’t Run With The Dogs If You Piss Like A Puppy:There are lots of promising baby Canucks but the organization doesn’t seem to want to give them a chance. I would think you would want to build a nice, young strong core. But what do I know? I am just a dame who pays more attention to the WHL. The one baby Canuck who has been quite lovely has been Michael Grabner. Of course, I am going to be wildly biased about him since he was a Chief and as such I love him. I vouch for nearly all former Chiefs. Except Bryan McCabe. Grabner is a delightful skater and an expert sniper who I expect in a Vancouver sweater this season.

As if: I left off the wildcard. Which at this point, soooo isn’t not happening; Mats Sundin. Dollface? If there is anything the Four Habs Fans have taught me, it’s just because you throw money at a stripper doesn’t mean she is going fellash you and just because you give her your phone number doesn’t mean she is your girlfriend.

Wrap’s No-Nonsense Alcohol-Inspired Prediction: I figure the Canucks will start off strong. I won’t be hitting the bottle as hard and I will be sipping the classy liquors. And as they make the decline, I switch to bottom shelf vodka which I will filter through a Brita filter to make it slightly less likely to induce hangovers. Also, it making it less potent than paint stripper. I will pour the seven dollar vodka into a Stoli bottle to make me look like less of an alcoholic. By March, I will be sitting in a corner crying with smeared make up and shrieking, “am I smiling with my eyes, Miss Tyra?! Am I?!”

Do me proud, Canucks.

Fine, for you dudes out there…

Advertisements

12 Comments

  1. if it costs 7 dollar, it can’t be vodka..

  2. Wait, ex-Hab Trevor Linden retired?

    Wrap we’re like professors or something. Professors on meth. But Tiffany totally said she would call me! We almost engaged!

    If there is something cuter than a puppy playing air hockey, I don’t know what it is. Well done Wrap.

  3. Tanya, there is 7 dollar vodka. They tend to keep it in basements of liquors stores. You have to sign waivers upon purchase.

  4. As an important side note, you can in fact get an entire handle of Popov in New Hampshire for around $5.

    The more you know! # <– Piss poor shooting star
    ///
    ////
    /////

  5. AW MY FORMATTING!? WHAT THE HELL!

  6. @Wrap Around Curl:

    Just pass it through a Brita Filter. It will make it better.

    Passing a low-end vodka through a filter will make it better, but it won’t make it a top shelf vodka”

  7. @jibble; well at least it makes me feel classier. I won’t believe it until some such as Alton Brown confirms it.

  8. HAHAHA!!

    This rocks so hard. Well done. And your year end description is pretty much exactly how I looked last year. Oh being a Canucks fan…it’s never easy.

  9. Wonder twin powers, hockey, Tyra, and alcohol = the best times.

  10. uh-huh, Brita filter, good to know!

    And good stuff, Wrap!

  11. Is that 7 dollar for a handle vodka you’re talking about? Because if it is, I can believe that you had to sign a waiver to obtain it.

    Now I’m off to enjoy my roughly-as-cheap whiskey (it’s my “mixing” whiskey–the stuff I take shots of/drink on the rocks). After classes today I need it.

  12. Godspeed, Frodo.


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s