Guess Who’s Forty-Three and Ready to Rock?

–ALARM RINGS–

Unnh. Training camp still sucks. But why on earth does my face hurt so much this morning. I’m sensing a presence i haven’t felt since…since… Continue reading

How to Spot a Print Journalism Hack: A MYFO Public Service Announcement

NHL training camps are already beginning to crank up. This portends a high likelihood that your local birdcage liner will soon come out with an “NHL Season Preview” package (probably in a Saturday edition, behind the strip club ads and erectile dysfunction advertorials). Even at smaller papers, the package can appear to be pretty impressive. How did Stu Sportswriter have the time to pull all those nuggets of info on all 30 teams, in between covering high school soccer tournaments and profiling the starting tight end at State U?

Come, step with LeNoceur behind the curtain… Continue reading

Season Preview: Phoenix Coyotes

Thank your own personal deity, hockey season is right around the corner (personally, I attend the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). I have eschewed previewing my beloved Blues, for the simple reason that I can’t find anything funny to say about them anymore. Losing Doug Weight again was harder on me than I thought it would be.

The Coyotes. The Dogs of the Desert. The Grinders from Glendale. The Team Formerly Known as the Jets (Little known fact: Mikkel Boedker has “Slave” tattooed on his left ass cheek). Why are the Coyotes first, you ask? Because they were the first one done. In this post, to help you understand what the 2008-09 NHL season has in store for the Coyotes, I will tell you absolutely everything I know about the current state of the franchise. Continue reading

You Can Almost Smell the Sweaty Shinpads

Enough of this fucking summer already. Training camps are opening soon, which means that there will be actual real live hockey to digest. No more watching an NHL Network replay of a 1987 tilt between Winnipeg and Edmonton (and, scarily, sort of getting into it). No more reliving “classic” first-round playoff matchups from 2006.

In that spirit, starting tomorrow, MYFO (with the help of many, many guests) will be previewing each and every team in the NHL. October can’t get here soon enough.

Reason No. 256 Why Mats Sundin Can’t Hold Joe Sakic’s Jock

Sure, they played together a couple of seasons as part of the absurdly-talented-yet-comically-unsuccessful Quebec Nordiques (still my favorite NHL ’94 team, despite the frequent goaltending mishaps of Stephane Fiset). And both are members of the fairly exclusive 500-goal club. But since Sundin was traded to Toronto following the 1994 season, they couldn’t be more different.

Forget the rings. Forget the Conn Smythe trophy. Joe Sakic knows how to make up his fucking mind already. Continue reading

Uncle Ted Goes Hunting: Canadian Safari

Uncle Ted: My first (sort of) big-game hunt! How thrilling! After my first, successful foray into shooting down sports media people who shortchange me or my club, it’s time for something a little bigger, wouldn’t you say?

Boyd Gordon: Whatever you say, boss. But could you quit swinging that thing around? You’re making me a little nervous. Continue reading

OMFG NEWS ALERT: KINGS INVOLVED IN KIDDIE POR–Wait, what?

I nearly lost my lunch when I saw this headline on the L.A. Kings Web site. I thought “Kings Hope Kids Can Fill Holes” was the announcement of their bevy of teenage prospects’ participation in Vol. 36 of the estimable “Fill My Holes” DVD series. I know I suggested last summer that the NHL needed a scandal to spice things up, but this was beyond even my lurid imagination.

No, as it turns out, the article was just a halfhearted attempt to hype the Kings’ halfhearted rebuilding project (Now in Year 16 of 32!). Continue reading