Hockey Jesus Enters the Wilderness

Matthew Barnaby

The Gospel According To Barnaby 4:1-11

1Then Sidney was led up by the Trainer into the wilderness to be tempted by the Commissioner. 2He rehabilitated forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was behind in the scoring race. 3The tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of Mario, command these pucks to become shots on goal.” 4But he answered, “It is written,

‘One does not live by shots alone, but by every shift that comes from the mouth of the Coach.'”

5Then the Commissioner took him to the holy arena and placed him in the face-off circle, 6saying to him, “If you are the Son of Gretzky, rush the net; for it is written,

‘He will command his enforcers concerning you,’ and ‘On their fighting majors they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your face against the glass.'”

7Sidney said to him, “Again it is written, ‘Do not put the neutral zone trap to the test without support from your wingers.'”

8Again, the Commissioner took him to the Empire State Building and showed him all the cities of the League and their splendor; 9and he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will get injections in your ankle for the All-Star Game.” 10Sidney said to him, “Away with you, Bettman! for it is written,

‘Play for the Penguins who drafted you, and not risk injury for an exhibition.'”

11Then the Commissioner left him, and suddenly defensemen came and waited on him.

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Welcome Back! (Steeler Nation Edition)

Devastation

Welcome to the newest feature on MYFO: Welcome Back! We know there’s a lot of fans of football teams that have nothing to pay attention to anymore. Knowing that, they’re turning to other sports. We’re happy to help. Every time a football team’s season ends, we’ll welcome those fans back to the fold by giving them an update as to what that city’s team has been up to this year. Rock.

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We Were There: The Legend of Vincent Tremblay Celebrates the New Year with 71,216 of His Closest Friends

Ohmahgod! OHMAHGOD! THAT’S PAT LAFONTAINE’S MUSIC!

Most of the MYFO crew were nestled snugly in the butt grooves of their couches for the liveblog. The Legend of Vincent Tremblay, however, found the right combination of incantations and sacrifices to appease the TicketMaster Gods, and made his way to Orchard Park to witness the Winter Classic first hand. While his attempts at participating in the liveblog by email turned into a fight to prevent his wireless provider from remotely detonating the battery in his phone, he did collect enough notes to prepare this report.

Welcome to Buffalo

The drive up from Pittsburgh was an uneventful 3 1/2 hours. (This is called foreshadowing.)

This was, for all the travel I’ve done, the first time I’ve been a road fan. Other times, when I’ve travelled to a sporting event, there wasn’t a Pittsburgh team involved. So this would be my first chance to take what the Old College Roommate and I have dished out for years from over the visitor’s runway at Mellon Arena.

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An Open Letter to Bill McCreary and Chris Rooney

“55 Philly, 2 minutes, elbowing. 27 Pittsburgh, 2 minutes, roughing.”

That’s all you had to say, gentlemen. All one of you had to do was make the call without first checking to see who was fouled, and the third period of last night’s game wouldn’t have turned into an ECHL punch-up. Continue reading

Wayne Gretzky: Level 50 Coach/Legend Arch-Villain

Not every game can be a thriller. Sometimes, you just get a long, slow slog. Last week’s Coyotes @ Penguins tilt fell into the latter category. Let’s see if re-imagining the game as a City of Heroes PvP session can spruce things up.

SidKid87: Hey, the Desert Dogs just challenged us to Bettman’s Victory. Who’s here?

Magneto-gorsk: Im in.

Bug-Z: When are yinz startin? The missus wants me to wash the dishes first.

SidKid87: Go to bestbuy.com, order a dishwasher, and get in here.

Childofthecorn: ha ha BLEEP whipped

Bug-Z: ha ha old enough to drink legally

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Making Puck: Regression To The Mean

sundin101107_250x325_leafs.jpg

This was a night for streaking teams to stumble, for slow starters to get a little tailwind, and for somebody to be on the receiving end of a really, really bad mood.

Do shutouts count against the Thrashers this season? Buffalo needed to get their swagger back, so they went out and took it from Atlanta and their weak-sauce offense. Ryan Miller only needed 20 saves for the shutout, and six different Sabres scored goals. The most the Thrashers could brag about was Ilya Kovalchuk totally ruining his chances for the Lady Byng.

Carolina cloture vote ends Ottawa fillibuster. I’m using my one permitted team name pun here, only because I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “cloture” in a sentence before. And no, I don’t give a damn if Canadian parliamentary rules have the concept or not. The American team won, so I’m showing you how we do things inside the Beltway.

The final stage of being a hockey player in South Florida is acceptance. Tomas Vokoun has worked through the stages of being a Panther, and hung a bagel on the New Jersey Devils. The rare, but entertaining, “abusive language” minor penalty makes an appearance on the score sheet. You kiss your mother with that mouth, Aaron Asham?

Can’t tell your Coyotes goalies without a scorecard! It was Alex Auld’s turn between the pipes, and he helped deliver Phoenix’s first win of the season over the Predators. I’ll let my old buddy The Forechecker tell you about Colin Campbell’s Headache Of The Night.

Now that’s how you bounce back from a beating. The Leafs shelled Wade Dubielewicz for 8 goals, and Mats Sundin scored his 390th goal and 917th point, breaking the Maple Leafs team records held by Darryl Sittler. There is no truth to the rumor that Sittler had an assist taken away from Sundin in the second period, but the official scorer was heard to mutter something about “naked”, “steamer trunk”, and “Rideau Canal” as he walked to his car after the game.

Colder: Edmonton in November, or Buffalo in January?

So THAT’S why Theodore started using Propecia!There’s nothing as anti-climactic as a press conference for news leaked a long time ago. For the three remaining hockey fans who haven’t heard, the Penguins and Sabres will be playing outdoors on New Year’s Day. The game will be played at Ralph Wilson Stadium, which won’t be seeing any use for football in January if the first two weeks of the Bills’ season is any indication.

Officially, it’s known as the AMP Energy NHL Winter Classic. We all know that it’s really the AMP Energy Let’s See If The American Media Notices Us Now? Heritage Classic II: Electric Socks Boogaloo. Continue reading