MYFO Undercover: Is Manny Legace Dead?

For those of you who are new here, you should know that we here at Melt Your Face-Off have a crack undercover staff. We have infiltrated NHL Headquarters, tagged along on Boston golf courses, stolen Daniel Breeririererere’s diary, and found out exactly how Dan Boyle hurt himself. Last night, I received from our deep-throating informant, who dropped this bombshell: Manny Legace claims to be dead. After the jump, follow along in the transcript of a phone conversation between Legace and Blues team president John Davidson.

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How Wes Walz Spent His First Week Of Retirement

Wes Walz

As most of you are already aware by now, Wes Walz officially retired from the Minnesota Wild last Saturday. His announcement ended a month of speculation as to what the hell he has been up to during the past few weeks, as Walz had been basically incommunicado with the organization since leaving the team on November 1st. During his press conference, here is what Wes had to say on how he plans to spend his time post retirement:

“Change a lot of diapers. My 10-month-old is in go-mode right now. I’ll chase her around the house and get the kids off to school and hang out at Wal-Mart and Target and department stores and now at least I’ll have no excuse getting my Christmas shopping done.”

It sure sounds nice and relaxing, doesn’t it? But how is it really going for Walzy without hockey to occupy his every waking moment? Through sources I am not at liberty to divulge, I have secured a copy of Wes Walz’s daily journal (of course, hockey players keep journals – they have feelings, too, don’t they?). What follows are his entries for the past four days.

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You think it is over….but it has just begun.

MYFO Undercover has done it again. Last night, I was given a tape from our triple-secret undercover deep throat performer informant. The tape was of the meetings during the Lightning’s sale talks. After the jump, see how the sale faltered, then died, all because of a producer’s word.

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Danny Briere’s Dasherboard Confessional, Chapter II

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Flyers center Daniel Briere, whose self-realization of his emonocity was exposed over the summer by MYFO, has a diary.  It’s disguised as a 2005 Sabres media guide covered in Snow Patrol stickers.  As Briere was going through security for the team’s trip to Raleigh, a MYFO operative hijacked his knapsack and secured the document in question.  (If promised a Cinnabon, the TSA folds faster than Bryan McCabe on a 2-on-1 breakaway.)  Here’s DB’s entry following the Flyers’ 6-3 loss to Boston, which included a game misconduct for linemate Scott Hartnell.

11:33 pm:

But I don’t WANNA be a Broad Street Bully…  -sigh-

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Bertuzzi > Shatner

191.jpgGod, I hate Priceline commercials. 

It’s not the business model that I neccessarily despise (KSK’s Drew did stellar job with that premise in a recent Jamboroo), but rather the method of advertising by which they try and convince me that said model is for me.  It’s William Shatner.  He just won’t go the fuck away.  Once Comedy Central televises a Friars Roast in your honor, you should be required to retire from life.  Nothing you can do will improve your image as an actor.  GO.  AWAY.  And this “Priceline Negotiator” character makes me turn the channel every time I see it.  However, it seems that someone in the NHL isn’t reaching for the remote.

Todd Bertuzzi, for example.

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Rory Fitzpatrick is a Monster (.com)

resume-software-large.gifWhen MYFO HQ received this afternoon’s transaction press release, at first no one really batted an eye.  There’s a few reasons for this.  First, Reasonable Doubt and Raskolnikov were locked in an epic overtime playoff game on NHL 08,  Hopper was editing the finishing touches on his latest YouTube video, LeNoceur and Seaman were too busy putting on the foil, and Weed was, well, making Jay Mewes proud.  Secondly, batting an eye is a moronic idiom, and none of us would be caught dead doing such a thing.

I looked up from Deadspinning long enough to see that the press release du jour had to do with the Flyers.  It read as follows:

The Philadelphia Flyers announced today that they have signed 6’2”, 210-pound defenseman Rory Fitzpatrick to a one-year contract, according to club General Manager Paul Holmgren. Per club policy, financial terms were not disclosed.

Another defenseman?  The blue line is the one place where the Flyers are not only well-stocked, they’re all healthy.  That’s why the signing of Fitzpatrick seems so strange.  They have Timonen the Elder, Coburn, Hatcher, Smith, and Kukkonen as mainstays, leaving Randy Jones as the 6th man.  What, were Guenin, Picard, and Timonen the Lesser not enough competition for Mr. Jones?

But then it all became clear when I got a copy of Rory Fitzpatrick’s resume:

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Undercover MYFO: On the Trail of the Next American Hockey Prodigy

This Is The OneWe may bring the funny, but it is really the MYFO readers who make the site. We are lucky enough to have some extremely savvy and well-connected readers, who bring us important tips like this one. I was on the receiving end of yet another reader tip, and this one was the Mother Lode: I was given a lead to the next great hockey prodigy, this time an American.

It was an epic journey to meet and observe this prodigy. The full story of this top-secret mission is after the jump, but let me just say upfront that my source was not nearly glowing enough in his praise. The kid you are about to (virtually) meet will not only make Sid the Kid seem like an overhyped mediocrity, but will also change the way the game of hockey is played.

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