Osteoporosis is a Fickle Bitch

DETROIT — Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios will be sidelined three to six weeks with a fractured shin bone.  The team says Chelios was injured while blocking a slap shot during the third period of Tuesday night’s 2-1 preseason loss to Montreal. On Wednesday, he was maneuvering around Joe Louis Arena on crutches.  According to the Detroit News, the shot hit his right leg, below the knee.

Also according to the Detroit News, Chelios hates everything but Matlock.  Ooh!  It’s on now!

Advertisements

Season Preview: Boston Bruins

To me, my Bruins!

To me, my Bruins!

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Today’s preview of the Boston Bruins is brought to you by Gabe and John of The Jumbotron.

Oh, yeah.  The Jumbotron laughs in the face of Word Counts.

The Blades Protocols: A Systematic, Player-by-Player Guide of How To Defeat The Boston Bruins

Although the Boston Bruins are celebrated as an “Original Six” team, did you know that not many people are aware of the Boston Bruins existence? You, yourself may have thought that the Boston Bruins were simply a rumor, or that if they had existed, that they died out years ago (1971-72 to be exact). However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The Bruins are indeed alive, and walk among us almost every day. Luckily, your friends at The Jumbotron have secured copies of the long-rumored “Blades Protocols”: A set of doomsday plans compiled by “beloved” Bruins mascot, Blades, scribbled on cocktail napkins and unsold ticket stubs, that detail the best way to defeat the current Bruins roster, including Coach Claude Julien and Blades himself, should they become too large a danger.

Continue reading

The 2008 Vincent Damphousse Award Winner: Jeff O’Neill

Every year around this time, you and your buddies gather and your local bar/pub/igloo (Canadians only) to conduct a fantasy draft.  Somewhere around 11 or 12, you’re left with a dilemma.  You could either roll the dice on a better player on a bad team (read: Nathan Horton, FLA), or a proven name who, well, did all of his proving on your Sega Genesis more than a decade ago.  This isn’t like fantasy baseball, where you may get lucky and get 180 innings out of an aging Mike Mussina or Randy Johnson.  This is hockey, damn it.  If you’re an old forward, you might as well buy a nice suit and start angling for plush assistant coaching positions with your current club.

Continue reading

The New NHL.com: It’s Mission Impossible 2

I remembering seeing Mission: Impossible in the theater some 12 years ago.  (What else was I going to go see?  The Pallbearer?)  Looking back, I remember two main things about the flick.  First – it pushed the envelope action-wise, and left us with at least one iconic spy scene (you know, when Tom Cruise casts his Scientology magic to hover above a shiny kitchen floor.) 

Second – I have no idea what the fuck went on in this movie.

If you asked me to explain the plot of the movie now, in 2008, I could probably describe some visuals for you, name drop a few of the actors, and provide you with the most basic of information.  I would feel as if I did my job selling the movie to you, but both you and I know, I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  I’m still not sure if Jon Voight was a good guy or a bad guy.  (Based on my Varsity Blues bias, however, I’m going to assume bad guy.)

In essence, this is my opinion when it comes to the once and current NHL.com.  It seems like most of the basic things you’d want out of a league’s website are there, and you can get enough information to sound like you know what you’re talking about.  Other than that, it’s a backwards-logic, confusing implosion of hockey.

Good news, sports fans.  The NHL feels your pain, and has come out with a sequel.

Continue reading

Season Preview: New York Rangers

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of the Rangers is brought to you by First Derivative of The Puck Stops Here.

Well, being that it’s either a Ranger preview or the script for Mystery, Alaska (Courtesy of Hex), I felt it was necessasry to defend my Prince of Whales Conference Contenders for the upcoming 08/09 season.

Continue reading

Season Preview: Anaheim Ducks

This is sewious!

This is sewious!

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Your Anaheim Ducks preview is brought to you by Earl Sleek from Battle of California.

Hellllooooo, melties! I was invited by a scary man with a scary gun to preview the Anaheim Ducks, apparently so that you can all go to bed on time this season. I’ve decided to allow my good friend Johnnie Walker along for the writing of this post, mostly because he’s a faster typist.

Here’s six things you might want to know about the Anaheim Ducks this season. If it turns out later that you didn’t want to know any of these, please consult your own personal Johnnie Walker, and he should help clear out those memory cells in your brain. Continue reading

How to Spot a Print Journalism Hack: A MYFO Public Service Announcement

NHL training camps are already beginning to crank up. This portends a high likelihood that your local birdcage liner will soon come out with an “NHL Season Preview” package (probably in a Saturday edition, behind the strip club ads and erectile dysfunction advertorials). Even at smaller papers, the package can appear to be pretty impressive. How did Stu Sportswriter have the time to pull all those nuggets of info on all 30 teams, in between covering high school soccer tournaments and profiling the starting tight end at State U?

Come, step with LeNoceur behind the curtain… Continue reading