Our God is an Awesome God

So the Penguins deal away Colby Armstrong for Marian Hossa. Hossa is either acclaimed and reviled, depending on who you talk to. But universally, everyone wanted to see how he’d do on a line with Our Lord and Savior, Sidney Crosby.

FOOLS!

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Hello, My Name is Simon!

Gags(Contrary to popular belief, I really have little interest in drawing.)

Welcome!  Since the Flyers recently advised me to stop playing hockey for the rest of the season, I’ve got a little bit of free time on my hands.  You see, the concussion is the one injury that I can’t go into the practice facility and rehab.  The only way they let you play again is if you can convince them that there aren’t any lingering effect- wait, did that spatula just…blink at me?

Hmm.

Since the Flyers have relocated me to a brand new house farther away from the SkateZone in Voorhees, I’ve got a lot of unpacking to do.  But since Keith Primeau and Eric Lindros aren’t coming over to help me move this piano into the upstairs bath until later, I figured we could roll through my crib.  You know, like on MTV Cribs?  Let’s go cribbin’, Cribman.

(shoots deadly look at an idle house plant)

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Inside the Mind of Nicklas Lidstrom

NicklasLidstrom

 

[internal monologue]

Okay. First Period. The score is still 0-0 right? Man, we have to get out of this slump we’re in. But it’s okay, we are the Red Wings, we will be okay. Sometimes it’s nice to just let the mind wander a bit. The season is so long and we have at least a first-round playoff loss to look forward to. But six games losing in a row? Not acceptable for Nicklas. But look at that pretty lady in the stands. She’s fine and sexy…

What? Oh, my shift? Sorry coach.

(hops over boards)

Time for autopilot… Continue reading

Olie Jokinen decides on being O.J. Simpson for Halloween

WARNING! Don’t watch if you’ve just ate.
Um. Yeah. Holy fuck.
/dick joke

Hockey Jesus Enters the Wilderness

Matthew Barnaby

The Gospel According To Barnaby 4:1-11

1Then Sidney was led up by the Trainer into the wilderness to be tempted by the Commissioner. 2He rehabilitated forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was behind in the scoring race. 3The tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of Mario, command these pucks to become shots on goal.” 4But he answered, “It is written,

‘One does not live by shots alone, but by every shift that comes from the mouth of the Coach.’”

5Then the Commissioner took him to the holy arena and placed him in the face-off circle, 6saying to him, “If you are the Son of Gretzky, rush the net; for it is written,

‘He will command his enforcers concerning you,’ and ‘On their fighting majors they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your face against the glass.’”

7Sidney said to him, “Again it is written, ‘Do not put the neutral zone trap to the test without support from your wingers.’”

8Again, the Commissioner took him to the Empire State Building and showed him all the cities of the League and their splendor; 9and he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will get injections in your ankle for the All-Star Game.” 10Sidney said to him, “Away with you, Bettman! for it is written,

‘Play for the Penguins who drafted you, and not risk injury for an exhibition.’”

11Then the Commissioner left him, and suddenly defensemen came and waited on him.

MYFO Undercover: Is Manny Legace Dead?

For those of you who are new here, you should know that we here at Melt Your Face-Off have a crack undercover staff. We have infiltrated NHL Headquarters, tagged along on Boston golf courses, stolen Daniel Breeririererere’s diary, and found out exactly how Dan Boyle hurt himself. Last night, I received from our deep-throating informant, who dropped this bombshell: Manny Legace claims to be dead. After the jump, follow along in the transcript of a phone conversation between Legace and Blues team president John Davidson.

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Yet Another Team Who Can Beat the Kansas City Royals

senatormanager.jpgDamn you, Ray Emery.

I’ve got you on my fantasy team.  And since my other goalie’s name ends in -abibhulin, I was kind of depending on you.  You play for the reigning Eastern Conference champ!  Not only do I have to suffer, Ottawa has to rely on the Gerber Baby in your place.  At least you’re taking it easy and showing some effort in your recovery.  As a paid professional athlete, you are taking your job seriously and will be back on the – WHAT’S THIS?

Emery, already in coach John Paddock’s doghouse for questionable work habits during practice, left the ice early on Monday with back spasms he says were originally caused by playing baseball during an off-day on Sunday.

Emery says something happened when he bent over to throw pop-ups.

You’ve got to be kidding me, Ray.  This isn’t Field of Dreams.  Your last name isn’t Kinsella.

Since you’re so set on becoming the Canuckistanian Bo Jackson, I’ve taken the liberty of filling out your lineup card.  That’s right, Ray.  If you’re going to get to play baseball, all the Ottawa Senators are going to get to play baseball.  So after the jump, let’s play some baseball. 

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