MYFO Open Letter Series: The One Where Weed Against Speed Goes America All Over the Wild’s Ass

As you may or may not have heard, the Wild and dickmuncher agent Ron Salcer are currently locked in a battle over the Wild’s attempts to sign Marian Gaborik to a long-term contract. Gabby will be an unrestricted free agent after this season so it is imperative that the Wild either sign him before the start of the season or be forced to deal with the day-to-day distractions that the “will they or won’t they trade him” situations always undoubtedly cause (I’m looking at you, Mats Sundin, you assclown).

Alternatively, the Wild could ship Gaborik’s goldbricking ass to some other team before the start of the season. I’m not saying it’s the best option, but it may come to that.

What it all boils down to is this: GET THE FUCKING THING DONE ALREADY!

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Isles Suffer from Internal Breeding

Breaking news out of Long Island: Ted Nolan has been relieved of his duties of the Head Coach of the New York Islanders.  While Nolan has remained quiet in this brief aftermath, General Manager Garth Snow has let the media know that it was “philosophical differences” that forced the team to part ways with their coach of two years.  When asked to elaborate, Snow informed MYFO:

Simply put, I contend that the metaphysical plane on which team leadership, penalty kill shift lengths, and the seemingly endless inertia of a hockey puck sliding towards the corner boards of like must exist harmoniously at a glorious crux in time and space, while Mr. Nolan contends that he would like to punch me in the mouth.  Which he then did.
With a roster full of new free agents and young prospects, Snow now faces the arduous task of finding a replacement who doesn’t insist on mouthpunching him.  Wait, – what’s that?  Hold on – we’re getting something over the wires.  They have?  It’s who?  Well, I’ll be damned. Continue reading

In New Russian Pro League, Puck Plays You!

Much to the chagrin of the NHL, the restoration of a professional hockey league in Russia is posed to present plenty of challenges to the NHL’s stranglehold over the world’s most talented players. The upstart Kontinental Hockey League will be attempting to lure the region’s biggest stars back home to play by throwing obscene amounts of money and incentives at players. Number one on the Russian league’s hitlist is reportedly Evgeni Malkin, who apparently is set to receive a multi-year contract from the KHL for a mind-blowing $12.5 million per year.

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Peter Forsberg Takes A Stand…Occasionally

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My name is Peter Forsberg, and these are my thoughts of the day.

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Random Internet Blog Trade Rumors: Emery Boards

fair_trade.gifRay Emery is crazy. Cray-zee, baby. Word around the rinks is that he has been hitting the donuts hard–when he does show up for practice, there’s powdered sugar all over his sweater. He’s lost the support of many Ottawa fans, if the estimable Senators Lost Cojones is any indication. The coach won’t play him if he loses, his teammates can’t be happy with his practice-missing antics; he may even want out himself. So Ray is prime trade bait, even if he does come with lots of baggage and a hefty contract. But where should he start apartment-shopping? Continue reading

Mats Sundin Wishes Writers’ Strike to End Soon

00014281-857038_400.jpgHowie: Welcome back to Deal or No Deal, I’m Howie Mandel.  Our new contestant is a professional hockey player for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Audience, let’s welcome our newest contestant, MATS SUNDIN!

Audience: (wildly enthusiastic for no damn reason) WHOO!!!!

Mats: Great to be here, Howie (fist bump).  Why am I here again?  I already make millions playing professional hockey in a town that loves me and the sport that I play.

Howie: Excellent point, Mats.  You see, we here at Deal or No Deal received a call from the new GM of your team, Cliff Fletcher, who has a bit of a quandary on his hands.  Your team, the Leafs, are at the bottom of the Eastern Conference.  You are a highly-valued asset that could help a team in playoff contention win the Stanley Cup.  Yet, you refuse to go anywhere, therefore continuing your career without a championship and leaving the Leafs devoid of future prospects and draft picks to rebuild a once-great franchise.  That brings us here.

Mats: So what?

Howie: Each of our 26 beautiful ladies is holding a case.  The cases they hold contain the names of 26 NHL franchises –

Mats: Um, there are 30 teams.

Howie: Yes, we know.  Fletcher insisted on leaving out your division rivals.  Like I was saying, your job is to select a case.  That case will be yours, unless you cut a deal with our banker, Gary Bettman.  If you choose to keep this case throughout, you will end up with that team. 

Mats: Which case has Toronto?

Howie: I can’t tell you that.

Mats: Fine.  I pick number 13, for obvious reasons.

Howie: Because it’s your jersey number?

Mats: No, because of that leggy blonde holding the case with my number.  Come to Grandmaster Mats, baby.

Howie: Sigh.  I hate tie-in shows.  Mats Sundin, it’s time to play DEAL OR NO DEAL.

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Random Internet Blog Trade Rumors of the Week: Bring Me Some Figgy Pudding

Nobody said Eklund was a manWe at MYFO have scoured the hockey Ebays (or Eb’ehs, as they say up North) for the ridiculous, the preposterous, and the merely ignorant trade proposals floating around out there.

This week’s RIBT Rumors of the Week are a bit special. More special than usual, that is. Thanks to the holiday “trade freeze,” these rumors will have a couple of extra days to percolate before they disappear into wherever ass-talking-generated trade rumors go. So, enjoy the following as you savor your Christmas goose.

The first RIBT Rumor of the Week surrounds Ottawa winger Antoine Vermette. Although he has a first name better suited for the NBA, Vermette is young (25), cheap, and has shown glimpses of offensive skill. By dangling a player like this, the Senators clearly believe they have a legit shot at winning the Stanley Cup this season. One rumor has Vermette going to Pittsburgh. The return would be Gary Roberts. But Black Aces thinks Patrick Marleau would be a better fit. I’d rather have the tough old man, I think. Continue reading