The New NHL.com: It’s Mission Impossible 2

I remembering seeing Mission: Impossible in the theater some 12 years ago.  (What else was I going to go see?  The Pallbearer?)  Looking back, I remember two main things about the flick.  First – it pushed the envelope action-wise, and left us with at least one iconic spy scene (you know, when Tom Cruise casts his Scientology magic to hover above a shiny kitchen floor.) 

Second – I have no idea what the fuck went on in this movie.

If you asked me to explain the plot of the movie now, in 2008, I could probably describe some visuals for you, name drop a few of the actors, and provide you with the most basic of information.  I would feel as if I did my job selling the movie to you, but both you and I know, I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  I’m still not sure if Jon Voight was a good guy or a bad guy.  (Based on my Varsity Blues bias, however, I’m going to assume bad guy.)

In essence, this is my opinion when it comes to the once and current NHL.com.  It seems like most of the basic things you’d want out of a league’s website are there, and you can get enough information to sound like you know what you’re talking about.  Other than that, it’s a backwards-logic, confusing implosion of hockey.

Good news, sports fans.  The NHL feels your pain, and has come out with a sequel.

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Apparently, The Members of Def Leppard Enjoy Having Sugar Poured On Them By 10-Year-Old Vietnamese Girls

God Save the Queens
God Save the Queens

As many of you know, there is a big to-do scheduled for October 9th in Detroit to kick-off the 2008-09 NHL season. It has been dubbed the “NHL Face-Off Rocks 2008” and hoo boy, is it ever going to rule. The reason?  The event will be headlined by none other than Def Leppard, “the greatest arena rock band of all-time” (the NHL’s words, not mine). For those readers too young to have experienced the awesomeness that is Def Leppard the first time around, not only did you miss out on glam rock greatness, you also missed the band that penned the most popular strip club song in history perform in their heyday.

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Gary Bettman: Great Commissioner? Or GREATEST COMMISSIONER EVER?

The NHL owners are conducting one of their periodic performance reviews of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. Some observers speculate that, despite earning exceptional marks during his entire 15-year run, Bettman could be in for a rough ride this time around. Or not.

Craig Leipold: All right, everyone, take your seats please. It’s time to get this special meeting of the National Hockey League Robber Barons Owners Association started. Today’s sole agenda item: a resolution thanking Commissioner Gary Bettman for his years of dedicated service to the league.

Charles Wang: Does this mean we’re firing him?

Leipold: What? No. Why?

Wang: It’s just that sometimes you thank people for their service at the same time security is hauling them out the door. That’s what I did with Ted Nolan. It adds that personal touch, you know?

Leipold: Well, let the debate begin! The chair recognizes…himself! Continue reading

A MYFO Special Announcement: Gary Bettman Is…Retiring?

Gary Bettman, since he truly has little else to do, has been watching the Brett Favre retirement/unretirement debacle from afar with great interest. In his infinite idiocy, he has hatched a little idea in an attempt to generate some interest and much-needed sympathy relating to his tenure as Commissioner. And, as always, poor Gary is a day late and a dollar short on this one as well. 

In a moronic attempt at relevancy, Gary has misguidedly decided to retire as Commissioner of the National Hockey League. Not only that, but he has elected to pattern his retirement after Favre’s. We take you live to his press conference from NHL Headquarters.

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In New Russian Pro League, Puck Plays You!

Much to the chagrin of the NHL, the restoration of a professional hockey league in Russia is posed to present plenty of challenges to the NHL’s stranglehold over the world’s most talented players. The upstart Kontinental Hockey League will be attempting to lure the region’s biggest stars back home to play by throwing obscene amounts of money and incentives at players. Number one on the Russian league’s hitlist is reportedly Evgeni Malkin, who apparently is set to receive a multi-year contract from the KHL for a mind-blowing $12.5 million per year.

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The NHL Employs Only the Best and Brightest

Of course, everyone reading this already knows that if you miss some playoff action, the best place to go in the morning to get informed is the NHL Closer on Deadspin, written by yours trulies. Pity the poor ignorant saps out there who get their playoff coverage from NHL.com. They are treated to gems like this recap of Game 1 of the Rangers/Penguins series.

“Putting Pucks on Net Pays Off.” That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Subsequent recaps to include titles such as “Allowing Many Goals Not Advisable” and “Committing Penalties Leaves Team a Man Short.” I know, it’s only a stupid recap on NHL.com, and only a moron would get their hockey coverage from such a suspect source in the first place. But morons are people, too. And they’re not going to get any smarterer if people keep talking down to them.

MYFO’s Completely Impartial Playoff Preview: Wild VERSUS Avalanche

As we enter the mystical time of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs, MYFO felt it was necessary to take an open-minded look at the matchups in the Quarterfinals and provide our dear readers with an even-handed preview of each series.

Next up is Weed Against Speed with his preview of the Wild/Avalanche series, which kicks off tonight at the Xcel Energy Center in Saint Paul.

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