I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, Will.
(First off, do not underestimate the power of the live blog. See the post below this for details.)
You have to love tonight’s Awards Show, or any award show for that matter. All we’re doing is bestowing honors on people for being great at what they do for a living. Here’s what you don’t realize – they already know they’re great. They don’t need shiny pointy things to prove it. So sure, you can celebrate their greatness, as well as the two also-rans who have to clap politely as the winners ascend that glorious staircase of achievement.
Speaking of which, the process of releasing official nominees to the public seems unnecessary, no? After all, the league is merely identifying the second and third best players at a respective skill. It’s a little known fact that the NHL actually ranks ALL eligible players in each category from first to last. They may only let us know the top three, but I assure the people of MYFO, they’ve got it itemized right down to the very worst player.
Today we celebrate those very worst players with the 1st Annual NHL Lasties, probably brought to you by Edge Shave Gel and those Creepy Jet Pack Girls who Fly Up Your Nose.
While the Philadelphia Flyers are no doubt firmly entrenched in strategy meetings are lacing up for their morning skate, two of their star acquisitions are notably missing from the locker room. The first would be their number one blue liner, Kimmo Timonen, who has been ruled out of the Pittsburgh series because of a blood clot on his ankle. The other MIA? We join him at a dark coffee house with his guitar, the Fretmonster.
Ok, who are we kidding? He’s at a damn Starbucks.
No matter what you celebrate this season, I’m sure we can all agree on one thing. Sidney Crosby died for our sins. After the jump, a very special The Weekly Whoring in which we reveal a couple Christmas wishes for the league. Happy holidays, gang.
Flyers center Daniel Briere, whose self-realization of his emonocity was exposed over the summer by MYFO, has a diary. It’s disguised as a 2005 Sabres media guide covered in Snow Patrol stickers. As Briere was going through security for the team’s trip to Raleigh, a MYFO operative hijacked his knapsack and secured the document in question. (If promised a Cinnabon, the TSA folds faster than Bryan McCabe on a 2-on-1 breakaway.) Here’s DB’s entry following the Flyers’ 6-3 loss to Boston, which included a game misconduct for linemate Scott Hartnell.
But I don’t WANNA be a Broad Street Bully… -sigh-
So this John Buccigross character gets to write really rambly columns previewing the NHL season by vaguely comparing every team in the league to a really lame song, and he gets to write for ESPN?? Shit, I can do that. How hard is it? Move over, you intimidating Pop Culture Wizard (the actual name of his D&D character), I’ll show you how an Eastern Conference Preview is done:
1. Ottawa Senators
See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
– “The Best of What’s Around” by Dave Matthews Band
No matter how many setbacks the Sens face, they always seem to pull on through. Which, if you’ll notice, is kind of what the song is about.
2. New York Rangers
Woo-hoo! Take a look at this!
Hey man, that suit is you!
Whoo-whee! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!
Tell us how you doooooooo! Hoo hoo hoo!
– “Unchained” by Van Halen
The Rangers should be off their chain of lacking scoring depth, which will definitely translate into them getting some leg a bunch of nights this season.
3. Carolina Hurricanes
Elephants and acrobats, lions snakes monkey
Pele speaks “righteous,” Sister Zina says “funky”
How bizarre, how bizarre
– “How Bizarre” by OMC
Bizarre year for the ‘Canes last season; not only did they fall from Cup Champs to missing the playoffs, but people named Pele and Sister Zina were somehow involved.
4. Buffalo Sabres
Tell me all your thoughts on God
Cause I’m on my way to see her
So tell me am I very faaar…
Am I very far now?
– “Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God” by Dishwalla
After losing Drury and Briere to free agency, the Sabres would still like to know about God, but they’re still very far now. Also, they believe God is a ‘she’.
Christ, I’m emo.
I know, I’m as shocked as you are. All these years, I just thought I could push this jet-black hair back behind my ears like the rest of the guys and no one would notice. It’s the go-to haircut for any chirpy Québécois – the only guy I can think of who didn’t was Ray Bourque, and he was frickin’ harsh. Why did I substitute the F-bomb with frickin? That’s what emo does to you. Even when you try to display emotion, you operate at a checking-line level. God, it’s like I’m bleeding melancholy right now.