The New NHL.com: It’s Mission Impossible 2

I remembering seeing Mission: Impossible in the theater some 12 years ago.  (What else was I going to go see?  The Pallbearer?)  Looking back, I remember two main things about the flick.  First – it pushed the envelope action-wise, and left us with at least one iconic spy scene (you know, when Tom Cruise casts his Scientology magic to hover above a shiny kitchen floor.) 

Second – I have no idea what the fuck went on in this movie.

If you asked me to explain the plot of the movie now, in 2008, I could probably describe some visuals for you, name drop a few of the actors, and provide you with the most basic of information.  I would feel as if I did my job selling the movie to you, but both you and I know, I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  I’m still not sure if Jon Voight was a good guy or a bad guy.  (Based on my Varsity Blues bias, however, I’m going to assume bad guy.)

In essence, this is my opinion when it comes to the once and current NHL.com.  It seems like most of the basic things you’d want out of a league’s website are there, and you can get enough information to sound like you know what you’re talking about.  Other than that, it’s a backwards-logic, confusing implosion of hockey.

Good news, sports fans.  The NHL feels your pain, and has come out with a sequel.

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Bring on Angola!

Apparently, if you can arrange so that your biggest draws in your league can advance to your Finals, even 4-letter Connecticuttian media hegemons will take notice.

Special to ESPN.com (meaning ESPN.com thinks he’s retarded), Damien Cox penned an article the other night that likens everyone’s favorite hockey savior to our version of Larry Bird.  And since every doofy comparison requires a Magic, it appears that our friend OVIE TIME has won the right to play the Laker on ice.  Bird and Magic = Crosby and Ovechkin?  Sigh.  Damien Cox, if you wanted to create an obtuse analogy, you would have done the following.

MYFO Presents: The 2008 NHL Dream Team (now, with less Laettner!) Continue reading

Not on their Registry? Future Draft Picks.

As I write from a cubicle in Ajax, Toronto (ok, I lied.  It’s not a cubicle It’s an igloo.  I’m writing from an igloo, and I’ve hired a moose to edit and proofread.  Canadian stereotypes: CHECK!), I’ve realized I’ve been witness to a most depressing event in the Great White North.  With Montreal on the ropes, it appears that we’ll be entering the next round of the playoffs Canuckistan free.  And by sheer percentages, there’s an 80% chance that one of those teams should love nationalized healthcare.  This is madness.  How ever will Canada keep their focus on Ice Hockey, what with the CFL Draft to analyze?

Help me, Mats Sundin.  You’re our only hope.
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Athletes Are Too Loyal Nowadays, Dag Blastit!

Leafs Fan

I viewed Mats Sundin’s decision not to waive his no-trade clause as the kind of difficult but noble (if a bit irrational) act of franchise allegiance that sportswriters are constantly claiming doesn’t exist in pro sports anymore. Even though it’s a case of sentimentality over short-term financial sense (and possibly a draft pick or two), surely columnists are going to see some merit in Sundin’s decision to stick it out with a franchise that’s been extremely loyal to him for the past decade, right?

Nope. If you’re ESPN’s NHL Columnist / Arbiter of Vague Anger Scott Burnside, you’re going to be mad about Sundin’s decision. VAGUELY mad. Let’s take a firejoemorgan-style peek at this article and see if we can figure out exactly who’s at fault here (hint – the answer is everyone):

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Mats Sundin Wishes Writers’ Strike to End Soon

00014281-857038_400.jpgHowie: Welcome back to Deal or No Deal, I’m Howie Mandel.  Our new contestant is a professional hockey player for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Audience, let’s welcome our newest contestant, MATS SUNDIN!

Audience: (wildly enthusiastic for no damn reason) WHOO!!!!

Mats: Great to be here, Howie (fist bump).  Why am I here again?  I already make millions playing professional hockey in a town that loves me and the sport that I play.

Howie: Excellent point, Mats.  You see, we here at Deal or No Deal received a call from the new GM of your team, Cliff Fletcher, who has a bit of a quandary on his hands.  Your team, the Leafs, are at the bottom of the Eastern Conference.  You are a highly-valued asset that could help a team in playoff contention win the Stanley Cup.  Yet, you refuse to go anywhere, therefore continuing your career without a championship and leaving the Leafs devoid of future prospects and draft picks to rebuild a once-great franchise.  That brings us here.

Mats: So what?

Howie: Each of our 26 beautiful ladies is holding a case.  The cases they hold contain the names of 26 NHL franchises –

Mats: Um, there are 30 teams.

Howie: Yes, we know.  Fletcher insisted on leaving out your division rivals.  Like I was saying, your job is to select a case.  That case will be yours, unless you cut a deal with our banker, Gary Bettman.  If you choose to keep this case throughout, you will end up with that team. 

Mats: Which case has Toronto?

Howie: I can’t tell you that.

Mats: Fine.  I pick number 13, for obvious reasons.

Howie: Because it’s your jersey number?

Mats: No, because of that leggy blonde holding the case with my number.  Come to Grandmaster Mats, baby.

Howie: Sigh.  I hate tie-in shows.  Mats Sundin, it’s time to play DEAL OR NO DEAL.

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Stanley Cups Are for Jerks

SuperMats

Mats Sundin is a terrific hockey player, and has been for a long time. He is also a particular kind of very attractive hockey player: a veteran who retains considerable skill, on a one-year deal (and a fairly cap-friendly one, at that). The kind of player who just screams “trade bait.” Media reports out of Canuckistan had Sundin being wooed by fellow Swedes Nicklas Lidstrom and Tomas Holmstrom to engineer a trade to Detroit, where he could cap off his stellar career with a Stanley Cup run.

Sundin says no thanks. “Let those stupid lingenberries win their Cups; I just want to be a Leaf forever and ever,” Sundin said. Or something to that effect. Sundin’s reaction can be viewed in one of two ways.

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Mats Sundin Mangles Other Sports’ Rulebooks

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LeNoceur, I couldn’t agree with you more: We DO need more Hope Solo on this site.

After all, is it so much of a stretch to highlight the attractive starting goalkeeper for the United States Women’s Soccer Team on an irreverant hockey blog?  She plays a sport that involves scoring goals; WE write about a sport that involves starting goals.  Her name sounds like in comes from the Star Wars universe.  We’ve got Jarkko Ruutu and Fedor Tyutin.  Come to think of it, the NHL needs Hope Solo more than ever – we don’t even have Tommy Salo to mock, ever since Mike Milbury sent him crying back to Sweden.

But the real reason we need to have Hope?  Because Mats Sundin thinks soccer can help right the Toronto Maple Leafs.

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