Season Preview: New Jersey Devils

 

Any Shorties on This Side of the Paper?

Any Shorties on This Side of the Paper?

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of the Devils is brought to you by Pam.  Pam is not a hockey blogger.  She’s just a lazy Deadspin commenter and she hates work.  She still wants to be Zach Parise’s Shorty. 

“Then I’m dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Breaking out of my body
And flying away
Like a bat out of hell”
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Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

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Springtime Is For Making Up Not For Breaking Up

By now, everyone has heard about the incident that occurred between Martin Brodeur and Sean Avery after the Rangers disposed of the Devils on Friday night. To those who live in a Mormon Statutory Rape Community or a place with similar internet access, Brodeur refused to shake Avery’s hand after the game, as is the tradition when a series in the NHL comes to an end.

 

Ohhh, snap! You really got him on that one, Marty. You flipped him like a cheese omelette and left Avery sizzling. Total burn.

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Open Letter to Ron MacLean and Colin Campbell

Dear Canuckistani Terrorist Fuckbuckets,

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MYFO Completely Biased Playoff Preview: Rangers v. Devils

Oh, c’mon. Who did you think was going to be doing this preview?

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That’ll Teach You to Leave Your Wallet at Home

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Is there any way we can make them miss the playoffs for this?

According to Canadian publication The Star, The New Jersey Devils are being sued because the French are in the business of throwing their money in the air and optimistically hoping it lands back in the jar.

Here’s a summary of events:

1.  The French Bank mistakenly sent $125k to the Devils in 2006.

2.  The Devils snickered quietly in their best Scrooge McDuck accent, hoping no one would notice.

3.  The French Bank recently noticed the mistake, multiplied by four and sued.

4.  The Devils laughed.  Haughtily.

5.  The French Bank surrendered to somebody.  Probably whilst wearing silly pants.

Unconditional fiduciary cowardice or not, we’ve still got some accounts to reconcile.  The Devils were given free money thanks to some francostupidity.  After the jump, MYFO will play judge and make a ruling.  (Whereby the MYFO lawyer triumvirate will likely mock my ruling.)

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Welcome Back! (Super Bowl Champs Edition)

01super_bowl.jpgWelcome to the newest almost-ready-to-be-retired feature on MYFO: Welcome Back! We know there’s a lot of fans of football teams that have nothing to pay attention to anymore. Knowing that, they’re turning to other sports. We’re happy to help. Every time a football team’s season ends, we’ll welcome those fans back to the fold by giving them an update as to what that city’s team has been up to this year.

When you come down from your Super Bowl high, and are ready to tune into hockey once again, MYFO hereby brings you up to speed on New York/Jersey hockey. Continue reading