Season Preview: Anaheim Ducks

This is sewious!

This is sewious!

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Your Anaheim Ducks preview is brought to you by Earl Sleek from Battle of California.

Hellllooooo, melties! I was invited by a scary man with a scary gun to preview the Anaheim Ducks, apparently so that you can all go to bed on time this season. I’ve decided to allow my good friend Johnnie Walker along for the writing of this post, mostly because he’s a faster typist.

Here’s six things you might want to know about the Anaheim Ducks this season. If it turns out later that you didn’t want to know any of these, please consult your own personal Johnnie Walker, and he should help clear out those memory cells in your brain. Continue reading

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Cashblowing…with Scott Niedermayer?

Picture this scenario.

Last summer, you went to the beach.  Since beaches tend to be fantastic places to misplace your valuables in the sand, you left your wallet in the car and chose to pocket ten bucks in your board shorts.  Why, might you ask?  Because beaches also tend to be fantastic places for the sun to kick your ass.  And it’s only a matter of time before the ice cream truck comes to your rescue.  You sprint over the scorched sand, cash in hand, ready to feast on Water Ice colder than the Blues’ power play.

Only to find they’re fresh out of Water Ice.  Fuck.

Flash forward to this summer.  It’s time to go to the beach.  And you’ve just found last year’s ten bucks still in your shorts.  FREE MONEY.  How will you spend it?

This is the dilemma Scott Niedermayer currently faces.  Continue reading

Todd Bertuzzi’s Exciting Business Opportunity – Hurry!

TSN.com reported yesterday that veteran Todd Bertuzzi has cleared waivers, giving the Ducks the ability to buy out the last year of his contract. The Ducks are on the hook to pay two-thirds of the remaining $4 million they owe Bertuzzi, which can be spread over two years to lessen the cap hit. Bertuzzi will now become an unrestricted free agent when free agency officially begins July 1st.

One would think that this should be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, but as we all have grown accustomed to, some team or another will take a flyer on Bertuzzi. Shit, the Wild traded for psychopath Chris Simon at the trade deadline last year.

As MYFO further entrenches itself into NHL culture as every day passes, with more and more frequency we are becoming inundated with e-mails from people throughout professional hockey – people hoping to utilize MYFO as a conduit through which they hope to achieve whatever their respective individual aims may be.

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MYFO Editorial: Open Letter to Gary Bettman

We here at MYFO try rarely to be serious about things. We bring the funny. But there are times, such as now, where we stare at a piece of news and can find no humorous slant to take on it, because it’s just infuriating. This summer, we will be introducing a series of Open Letters to personalities around the NHL. As always, much love and respect to the artist formerly known as I Party With Smoot for the artwork. Today, we introduce the first in that series, an Open Letter to Gary Bettman.

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Where the Party At? Western Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Western Conference.

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It’s an Honor Just to Be Patronized

(First off, do not underestimate the power of the live blog.  See the post below this for details.)

You have to love tonight’s Awards Show, or any award show for that matter.  All we’re doing is bestowing honors on people for being great at what they do for a living.  Here’s what you don’t realize – they already know they’re great.  They don’t need shiny pointy things to prove it.  So sure, you can celebrate their greatness, as well as the two also-rans who have to clap politely as the winners ascend that glorious staircase of achievement. 

Speaking of which, the process of releasing official nominees to the public seems unnecessary, no?  After all, the league is merely identifying the second and third best players at a respective skill.  It’s a little known fact that the NHL actually ranks ALL eligible players in each category from first to last.  They may only let us know the top three, but I assure the people of MYFO, they’ve got it itemized right down to the very worst player.

Today we celebrate those very worst players with the 1st Annual NHL Lasties, probably brought to you by Edge Shave Gel and those Creepy Jet Pack Girls who Fly Up Your Nose.

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See You on the Fairway: Anaheim

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 15 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

Next up, Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price with the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim Ducks.

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