Season Preview: New York Islanders

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. 

Today, with your preview of the New York Islanders, Sir Hotbod Handsomeface, retired MYFO founding father and semi-frequent deadspin commenter who, if he could do it all over again, would have made his handle Due Diligence and Initial Purchase Agreement Drafts for a Reasonable Price.

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Isles Suffer from Internal Breeding

Breaking news out of Long Island: Ted Nolan has been relieved of his duties of the Head Coach of the New York Islanders.  While Nolan has remained quiet in this brief aftermath, General Manager Garth Snow has let the media know that it was “philosophical differences” that forced the team to part ways with their coach of two years.  When asked to elaborate, Snow informed MYFO:

Simply put, I contend that the metaphysical plane on which team leadership, penalty kill shift lengths, and the seemingly endless inertia of a hockey puck sliding towards the corner boards of like must exist harmoniously at a glorious crux in time and space, while Mr. Nolan contends that he would like to punch me in the mouth.  Which he then did.
With a roster full of new free agents and young prospects, Snow now faces the arduous task of finding a replacement who doesn’t insist on mouthpunching him.  Wait, – what’s that?  Hold on – we’re getting something over the wires.  They have?  It’s who?  Well, I’ll be damned. Continue reading

NHL Quakes in Its ‘Boots’ Following Major Defection to Russia

As MYFO reported previously, the NHL initially professed little worry that a new Russian professional league would swoop in armed with railcars full of petrodollars and sign away premiere hockey talent. The Russian league, known as the KHL (“K Comes Before N”) tried, and failed, to sign Evgeni Malkin out of Pittsburgh. Now, however, they’ve got the next best thing. Continue reading

Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

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See You On The Fairway: NorthAtlantic Edition

Contrary to popular belief, not everybody in the NHL makes the playoffs.  Try as they may, 14 teams ended their hockey-related obligations this weekend after a long, hard year of sucktitude.  We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

First up, Hextall454 with the Northeast and Atlantic tee times.

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False Hope

 

Paul Maurice: My stomach doesn’t feel as bad as it once did. Weeks of cottage cheese, strained peas, and electrolytes have appeased my poor digestive tract. There’s still a lingering sensation of indigestion hovering around my duodenum. Will I ever fully recover? Ohhh, am I ever going to be rid of this?

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If Rick DiPietro Had My Job

EP-BT7101As I mentioned in my intro upon joining the MYFO team, I’ve got a job that allows me to read the maximum number of sports blogs while computing the minimum amount of ROI calculations over any given day.  Don’t get me wrong, I get my work done, but I’ve maximized it in such a way that allows me to keep busy with the on-goings of underground, and that includes laughing at the misfortunes of one Vesa Toskala.

What if Hockey Players had normal jobs?  They couldn’t rely on their speed, strength, and unpronounceable French Canadian and Czech names for a paycheck.  Now the last thing I want to be is an NHL goalie, using my face as a puckblocker.  But I have to wonder…

What if Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro had my job?

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