Season Preview: Toronto Maple Leafs

Which one is CuJo?

Which one is CuJo?

Another excruciatingly long summer is (almost) over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Previewing YOUR Toronto Maple Leafs: Loser Domi from the Wonderful World of Loser Domi.
Howdy ho, folks. Loser Domi here with your 2008-2009 Season Preview of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I thought I’d do something a little different for this, so I re-wrote the classic Queen song “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Keep in mind that this can only be the third best “Bohemian Rhapsody” parody out there due to the existence of both the Zero Wing Rhapsody and the “Brohemian Rhapsody” With that in mind, enjoy!

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The Panthers Trade For an Aviation Trainwreck

Waiting until the end of the news cycle yesterday, the Florida Panthers announced that they have traded defenseman Mike Van Ryn to Toronto for a 4th-round draft pick.  Oh, and some guy named Bryan McCabe.  Because the 4th round pick has yet to be selected, we were unable to obtain an interview with it.  McCabe, on the other hand, is slighty pissed about the cheap shots I’ve taken over the year, but is ready to reconcile.  We tailed him through the Toronto Airport as he made his way to visit his new club in Miami.

My notes, taken on a Cinnabon napkin, are after the jump.

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You Can’t Spell Steen without N-E-S

Using only the constraints of Nintendo Ice Hockey, I will now explain to you the soul-crushing downfall of the once mighty Toronto Maple Leafs.  Continue reading

Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

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Vote Eventually, Vote Occasionally

As a delightful distraction to actual NHL hockey being played, the league office has used the last few weeks to sporadically announce the finalists for each of the many shiny and pointy awards they hand out after each NHL season.  And for every honor of an MVP, a Best Positional Player, or stellar rookie, there’s an ambiguously-awarded piece of hardware just waiting to collapse someone’s mantle.  Today, in a feature that shalt be recurring only if we’re out of column ideas, we present to you the nominees for the Masterton Trophy.

Who wants a giant gold cone of frozen custard?  I sure as hell do.

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Not on their Registry? Future Draft Picks.

As I write from a cubicle in Ajax, Toronto (ok, I lied.  It’s not a cubicle It’s an igloo.  I’m writing from an igloo, and I’ve hired a moose to edit and proofread.  Canadian stereotypes: CHECK!), I’ve realized I’ve been witness to a most depressing event in the Great White North.  With Montreal on the ropes, it appears that we’ll be entering the next round of the playoffs Canuckistan free.  And by sheer percentages, there’s an 80% chance that one of those teams should love nationalized healthcare.  This is madness.  How ever will Canada keep their focus on Ice Hockey, what with the CFL Draft to analyze?

Help me, Mats Sundin.  You’re our only hope.
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The Canadian Office Space

MONTREAL: Listen… Well, what are you doing tonight?  

[Scene: The Bell Centre Concourse. Montreal and Ottawa are there.]  

MONTREAL: There comes a place in a team’s season and, uh, maybe that time for you is now, when it doesn’t hurt to think about the future. 

OTTAWA: Uh, no offense, there, Montreal, but think about yourself, sport. You’re the one who’s been flaking out at work.  You traded a proven goalie to Washington for zero prospects.  You let Boston climb back into a series you could have swept.  You’ve put your hopes and dreams on the stick of Alexei Kovalev, of all people.  Whatever that religious experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or you’re gonna get eliminated.

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