Season Preview: Florida Panthers

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of YOUR Florida Panthers is brought to you by Deadspin legend, ladies man and dashing continental gentleman Jordan Bowes, aka Tattooed Messiah.

Before we get into it, let me indulge my inner Silky Johnston for a second and do some quality hating. Ahem…What can I say about this year’s Florida Panthers roster that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? They’re bombed out and depleted!

There are fewer stars on this team than at the Comedy Central roast of Gallagher.

From the casual fan’s point of view, Jacques Martin made more questionable moves this off-season than most guys do at last call on Thirsty Thursdays.

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The Panthers Trade For an Aviation Trainwreck

Waiting until the end of the news cycle yesterday, the Florida Panthers announced that they have traded defenseman Mike Van Ryn to Toronto for a 4th-round draft pick.  Oh, and some guy named Bryan McCabe.  Because the 4th round pick has yet to be selected, we were unable to obtain an interview with it.  McCabe, on the other hand, is slighty pissed about the cheap shots I’ve taken over the year, but is ready to reconcile.  We tailed him through the Toronto Airport as he made his way to visit his new club in Miami.

My notes, taken on a Cinnabon napkin, are after the jump.

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When the Cats are Down, the Rats Run Town

Jacques Martin: Yes, Mr. Cohen, with the Bouwmeester situation handled, we’re well on our way back to relevancy in this league … well, er, sir, I think you’ll still need to, um, siphon some more money away from the horses … no, I don’t think it’ll be much ..

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Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

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Stop Copying Me!

Uncle Ted

“Uncle” Ted Leonsis has always been an innovator. When he first acquired a controlling interest in the Washington Capitals, one of the first things he did was to re-vamp the game presentation. Now, you can’t go to a hockey arena without music, graphics, and video presentations galore.

The rest of the NHL is taking another page from Uncle Ted’s playbook this summer–plucking coaches from the minor and/or junior ranks and throwing them into the NHL fire. Continue reading

Jacques Martin Out as Florida Coach; Will Clean Out Office if Damned Paper Bag Will Let Him

Jacques Martin’s checkered career as a coach in the NHL is on hiatus (I won’t say “over,” because you know how NHL GMs love to recycle “veteran” coaches, even mediocre-to-bad ones). He has “agreed” to step aside so that he can “focus” on his front-office duties.

Martin was brought in to coach back in 2004, at the same time the Panthers hired Mike Keenan to be their GM. Hmm, that move didn’t work out too well, either coughLuongocough. Keenan, as we’ve seen, landed nicely on his feet in Calgary (the Devil is still kicking himself over that deal). Martin has not been quite so lucky. Without Luongo, the Panthers have been a doormat, failing to make the playoffs all three seasons he has coached. Moreover, they have been amazingly consistent, garnering 86, 85, and 86 points in those three seasons. Continue reading

See You on the Fairway: Southeast Edition

Contrary to popular belief, not everybody in the NHL makes the playoffs. Try as they may, 14 teams ended their hockey-related obligations this weekend after a long, hard year of sucktitude. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

Next up, Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price with the Southeast tee times.

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