Season Preview: Pittsburgh Penguins

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of Dan Hopper, Contributor to MYFO and Associate Editor of Best Week Ever.

Coping With Cup Finals Grief

For the sake of perfectly applicable argument, let’s say you randomly find yourself fighting in the death tournament from the game Mortal Kombat, and after easily beating down an alcoholic one-legged Canadian man, you end up squaring off against the guy at your job who you’ve always openly hated ever since he got promoted over you even though he’s asinine and incompetent and stole your girlfriend, and you end up ripping his head off, spinal cord still attached. Then in the next round, you face the kid who bullied you from Kindergarten all the way through your senior year of college before marrying and knocking up the prom queen you’ve always had a crush on, and you beat the crap out of him too, then turn into a dragon and bite him in half. Then in the Finals, you lose to the Detroit Red Wings. Who are, I don’t know, Johnny Cage.

Honestly – would you NOT consider that tournament a success?

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MYFO Takes Sidney Crosby Out Bar-Hopping For His 21st Birthday

Just in case you haven’t flipped your NHL-approved calendar, today is Sidney Crosby’s 21st birthday. Given that MYFO is by far the most friendly (and funniest, and best, and most outrageous, and sexiest, and most congenial – need I continue?) hockey blog on these here internets, we took it upon ourselves to show Hockey Jesus a good time on his milestone birthday.

Of course, Sid was more than happy to spend an evening out on the town with a bunch of bloggers he’s never met before. Drinks were drunk, laws and hearts were broken (as well as an incredibly valuable Hummel figurine collection, but we don’t need to get into that right now), but overall, we had a rip-roaring good time.

So follow me after the jump and follow along on our night of drunken debauchery.

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NHL Mascots: Exposed! (Volume IV)

Mascot Bukkake!

Mascot Bukkake!

Welcome to the fourth installment of MYFO’s NHL Mascots: Exposed! series. Today’s edition features only two mascots but what occurred between these once close friends but now bitter rivals deserved its own post as it fractured the tightly-knit NHL Mascot community so terribly, the extent of the damage may never fully be realized. Perhaps we can all learn something from this tragic tale.

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Back to Basics: Fuck you, Pittsburgh

Sorry I’ve been silent the past few weeks. An office move, a couple tragedies, lost furniture and files, and unfortunately, little time is left for overusage of curse words, beating comedy bits into the ground, and lots and lots of dick jokes.

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Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

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SYOTF Pittsburgh Edition 2: Back to the Minors

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 29 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course.  (And this time, Maxime Talbot can’t do a damn thing about it.)

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MYFO Liveblog: Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals

If you think I’m going to use that goddamned overtime cat again, you’re nuts. That was a jinx.

Anyway, Game 6 is tonight. Can the Pens gut out another win? We’ll find out.

In the meantime, join us here for the liveblog starting around 7:30 PM EDT