RD is in love.
Hey everyone, it’s that time again! No, not to “Remember the Alamo” or perform one of our cute skits. The season’s starting tomorrow in Prague, which is slightly less dangerous than Bratislava. I wanted cover the game in person, but with rising Xanax and bourbon costs, the only way I’m crossing the Atlantic is by millions of seagulls. And I don’t see any giant peaches, do you? So, I offer this public service announcement.
Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.
Today’s preview of the Rangers is brought to you by First Derivative of The Puck Stops Here.
Well, being that it’s either a Ranger preview or the script for Mystery, Alaska (Courtesy of Hex), I felt it was necessasry to defend my Prince of Whales Conference Contenders for the upcoming 08/09 season.
As Rask so eloquently pointed out, there’s not a whole lot going on right now in Puck World. And without any logical tie-ins to the Olympics or NFL Training Camp, ice hockey beat writers are struggling with their August doldrum “PAY ATTENTION TO ME” pieces. But thanks to a bunch of pre-teens swinging metal bats somewhere in Pennsylvania, there’s still hope.
Ah, the Little League World Series.
For those not important enough to get a Beijing press pass or a unlimited expense account to visit suburban collegiate gridirons, they are left to cover a nationally-televised children with He Kexin-esque aging issues. Hey, hockey writers! You’re not doing anything! See if you can find an NHL tie-in at the LLWS!
Ah, Chris Drury.
As a few some all of you know, New York Rangers forward Chris Drury had a LLWS ring (he promptly traded it to Billy for a Todd Van Poppel rookie card). NHL.com has desperately interviewed Drury, learning such ground breaking insights like how he “remembers what a good time it was” and “it was exciting.” Get that guy a Pulitzer.
(Or a Todd Van Poppel rookie card.)
After the jump, we give you what Chris Drury really thinks about his diamond days, assuming he’s got a bit of Truth Serum Lager and Ale in him.
The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL. Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season. But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help. So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES. Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.
Today, the Eastern Conference.
Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 29 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course.
I was stuck watching the Rangers and Penguins through the magic of a Slingbox last night, due to my travels and travails across the Globe. Sitting in my room, staring at the fuzzy screen, thousands of miles from Madison Square Garden, I was screaming in unintelligible jibberish previously only known to Buzz Bissinger. Why?
BECAUSE THE FUCKING RANGERS CAN’T TAKE BEING HIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You flightless tuxedo-wearing birds. I saw March of the Penguins. It sucked. Farce of the Penguins was only cool because Lewis Black and Bob Saget are fucking gods among mortals.