Sean Avery: Coming After Kolzig

[The Rangers enter the fifth and final round of a shootout. Our “hero” stares down famed Caps goalie Olaf Kolzig.]

Watch closely, crazy nickels! I’m going to shove this puck down your throat, and then perform the screwdicorn trick!


Yes! That’s where I stick a dildo on my head and fuck your ass like a unicorn on amphetamines! Now look at this…I’m going to stuff my shit down your mushy biscuit.

[Avery skates down the ice, dekes, shoots, and SCORES!]

[The Rangers have set their sights on the playoffs. But their final televised game of the season is against the Penguins. Avery should probably sit out the game with the playoffs locked up, but he wants a crack at Ty Conklin and Hockey Jesus. Which one should he focus on this time?]