Todd Bertuzzi’s Exciting Business Opportunity – Hurry!

TSN.com reported yesterday that veteran Todd Bertuzzi has cleared waivers, giving the Ducks the ability to buy out the last year of his contract. The Ducks are on the hook to pay two-thirds of the remaining $4 million they owe Bertuzzi, which can be spread over two years to lessen the cap hit. Bertuzzi will now become an unrestricted free agent when free agency officially begins July 1st.

One would think that this should be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, but as we all have grown accustomed to, some team or another will take a flyer on Bertuzzi. Shit, the Wild traded for psychopath Chris Simon at the trade deadline last year.

As MYFO further entrenches itself into NHL culture as every day passes, with more and more frequency we are becoming inundated with e-mails from people throughout professional hockey – people hoping to utilize MYFO as a conduit through which they hope to achieve whatever their respective individual aims may be.

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Pyramid Schemes Can Kill

jump_72001.jpgThe following is a transcript of the March 8th, 2004 intermission chat between Head Coach Marc Crawford and his team, the Vancouver Canucks. At time of transcript, the Avalanche held a commanding 6-2 lead.

Crawford: Men, I wish I could say that we’re still in this one, but I just don’t believe it. That’s why I pulled Cloutier over 20 minutes ago. I kinda threw in the towel.
Dan Cloutier: Not a problem, Coach. It gave me time to shower and play a few games of this new NFL Street game on Linden’s PS2. I also straightened up the catering table, improved all the plastic cutlery with the skate sharpener, and caught up on some e-mails. You can bench me anytime.
Crawford: You see? Now that’s the work ethic we need on the ice. The only one who has given any effort whatsoever is Brad May, and if Brad May is your best player, why even bother?
Brad May: Coach, I’m, uh, standing right here.
Crawford: Sorry, Brad. Look, you’re playing a great game. You scored both our goals and fought Peter Worrell TWICE. You’re fucking harsh. But it doesn’t matter tonight. This game is over.
Henrik Sedin: Coach, is this one of those speeches where…
Daniel Sedin: …you’re using reverse psychology to pysch us up?
Crawford: Nope, it’s nothing of the sort. We suck at hockey. It’s time to turn our interests to other pursuits.
Mike Keane: Working on our special teams play?
Crawford: No, you middling journeyman forward. NOT HOCKEY. I’d like to take this time to introduce a business proposition. How would you like to be able to afford luxury goods at a fraction of the cost?
Henrik Sedin: Come…
Daniel Sedin: …again?
Crawford: Surely you two would love a set of bunk beds crafted out of the finest cherry wood?
Henrik Sedin: Would we? Why…
Daniel Sedin: …we certainly would!
Brent Sopel: Can I get a race car bed, coach?
Crawford: Anything. Look, the plan is simple. You can order anything from this massive catalog of goods for a fraction of the cost and then in turn, your old coach gets a cut of the revenue!
May: Coach, are you selling Amway?
Crawford: No!  All I’m saying is that you never know when your players’ association may disagree with the league owners and cause a season-crippling, fan-eradicating lockout – it’s good to have a backup plan.
Cloutier: (looks up from his e-mails) That’s sound business advice.
Keane: Shouldn’t we be getting back on the ice?
Crawford: Yeah, yeah. Shut up, Keane. I gotta make this quick. If you guys agree to buy something from the catalog, and then in turn become salesmen for this company, I guarantee I can get you a brand new iPod free. Because you guys are my team, and my team is family.
Henrik Sedin: Do I get one free?
Crawford: FREE!
Daniel Sedin: Do I get one free?
Crawford: FREE!
Sopel: Me too, coach?
Crawford: FREE!
Keane:
What about Steve Moore of the Avalanche – I’m grabbing dinner with my old teammate him after the game. Can he get one free?
Crawford: No. Steve Moore must pay the price.

(just then, Todd Bertuzzi comes out of the bathroom. The rest is misguided history.)

Bertuzzi > Shatner

191.jpgGod, I hate Priceline commercials. 

It’s not the business model that I neccessarily despise (KSK’s Drew did stellar job with that premise in a recent Jamboroo), but rather the method of advertising by which they try and convince me that said model is for me.  It’s William Shatner.  He just won’t go the fuck away.  Once Comedy Central televises a Friars Roast in your honor, you should be required to retire from life.  Nothing you can do will improve your image as an actor.  GO.  AWAY.  And this “Priceline Negotiator” character makes me turn the channel every time I see it.  However, it seems that someone in the NHL isn’t reaching for the remote.

Todd Bertuzzi, for example.

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